I'm getting ready to go out for a run.  The weather doesn't totally suck and I feel fantastic (usually) when I get in from a run.  I feel like I can do and eat anything.  Which is what has set me off here to be honest.  I mean why is it that after all these years I still feel like I need to go for a run or do a workout before I allow myself to really eat.
Now it's not like that all the time but still it pisses me off that it happens at all.  I've had a few minutes to do some blog browsing lately and came across this post on one of my favourite blogs.  Thanks Chandelle, you spoke to me.  I've been through the whole ringer when it comes to feeding my body.  I did some pretty dumb stuff.  Finally, after much pain and suffering and probably jacking my digestion to all hell, I've come to a new place.  What I'm hoping is a better place.  I finally think that it's ok that there is a little pudge on my tummy.  It's even a little cute... some might even find it a bit sexy (although that is still a stretch for me I can accept the idea).  I'm not obsessing about being a runner and a biker in order to lose weight.  I'm a size 8 and I'm ok with that.
I remember a moment back in University.  At the time I was nannying and teaching voice on the side, trying desperately to pay my bills (and failing with quite a few of them) and still finish my degree AND obsessing about being 110 lbs.  If there is one thing that can suck the joy out of everything that you put in your mouth it's obsessing about losing another 5 lbs.  On this day I was at my nannying job.  The kids were having their afternoon nap.  I was doing some laundry and in the laundry room was a scale.  I stepped on the scale (wrong move) and discovered that after weeks of not eating to the point where I felt faint and biking myself everywhere around the city that I was still 117 lbs.  I cried.  It felt like all that hard work had completely been for nothing.  It was a breaking point for me because in reality I was way to thin.  My friends were concerned.  My family was concerned and even I couldn't imagine myself any thinner.  But there I was crying because I was 7 lbs to heavy.  I realized that I had a problem that I couldn't ignore anymore.  That began a slow and not so steady journey back to 'normal'.
What is 'normal' in our culture though?  How can we even find a normal when everything we read and see give us mixed messages?  On one hand every ad and commercial places skinny women in front of us and we get the message that women shaped like that are all that exist.  Then the other ads tell us to go and eat a doughnut and a burger.  How do I help my own daughter face the onslaught of input about her own body and come out 'normal'?  I don't know if I could find a friend that isn't presently trying to lose weight or hasn't been 'working on it' recently.  I can't count the number of people that I know who won't eat carbs.  Does a world exist where women don't feel guilty at some level when they place a forkful of food in their mouths?  I want to try and find it.
I'm starting, just starting to be ok with the curves that my body has.  I think that I don't 'need' to be skinny or fat... I need to be me.  I'm guessing that 139 lbs and size 8 is probably my normal and that took me a lot of years to discover.
What's your 'normal'?  Are you ok with your size?  Do you want to change the way that you eat because it will make you stronger or thinner - they're not always one and the same.  Do you think that there is a way to replace the guilt with contentment and satisfaction?


In celebration of all shapes and sizes and in anticipation of a time when we can truly look at each ourselves and love what we see, I give you... Puddle Cookies.  Don't ask.  Just know that they are good.  If you try them and screw them up... no biggie.  Just crumble them into some vanilla ice cream and look like you meant to do it.  Now I'm going for my run and I'm going to enjoy every second of my heart pumping and my body working and getting stronger... not skinnier.


Chocolate Puddle Cookies adapted from 101 Cookbooks

1 1/2 cups walnuts or pecans, lightly toasted and chopped
4 cups icing sugar
1/2 cup + 3 tbsp dark cocoa powder
1 tsp instant espresso powder
scant 1/2 tsp fine sea salt
generous 1/2 cup egg whites (whites of around 4 or 5 large eggs)
1 tbsp vanilla (real stuff)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
Line two (or more) cookie sheets with parchment.

In a large bowl sift together the icing sugar and the cocoa.  Add in the espresso powder and the salt.  Mix together.  Add the nuts and mix again.
Add in the egg whites and the vanilla.  Stir until everything is incorporated.
Drop by tablespoons onto the prepared sheets - don't place them too close together because they spread a lot.
Bake for about 12 - 15 minutes (if you under bake like I did the first time then you won't be able to get them off of the parchment in one piece -if you over bake... well duh, they'll be crispy and maybe burned.  Also, I found that if I let the cookies cool for at least ten minutes before taking them off of the parchment they came off much more easily)
Should keep well in an airtight container for a few days.