I'm mostly pretty sure that it's probably kinda wrong for me to admit this but *gulp* I find myself wishing more often than I'm even comfortable with that we could all hibernate for a couple of months a year.  I'm not talking the oh-it's-summer-let's-take-time-off kind of hibernate.  That's more like just playing hooky or something.  I'm talking about the oh-it's-bloody-freezing-and-dark-let's-just-stay-in-bed-until-it's-light-for-more-hours-in-the-day-than-it's-dark kind of hibernate.  I wish for it.
D told me the other day that when it gets to this time of year for him the hardest thing he has to do in a day happens in the first few minutes of waking up.... getting his ass out of bed.  My first response was to tell him that on the bright side, once you were up you could find consolation in knowing that when it comes to sheer will and effort you'd already reached the summit.  It's all downhill from there so to speak.  I've mentioned here before just how hard D has worked to cope with Season Affective Disorder and that now he is more functional during the winter months than he's ever been before.  I don't deal with anything close to that kind of seriousness or severity but I still feel it.
Getting up in the dark, biking downtown (in the rain this past week - jeez), working like a mad-woman, biking home and collapsing at some point in the evening.  It's around this time every year that it starts to catch up to me.  I don't feel myself.  I feel disconnected from everyone and even from my own thoughts if that's even possible.  Throw in an upcoming memorial service for my father-in-law, learning that my Mom just had a melanoma removed and losing one of my closest, bestest and longest friendships to a city 3 1/2 hrs down the highway and I'm at my tipping point.

FYI: When cutting marshmallow's buttering the knife or scissors is absolutely necessary.

All of that to tell you that this has not been the best week for me and my sugar reduction diet.  It's not like it's over or anything.  Far from it.  My hearts still in it and I'll be back on the bandwagon - I will.  I just really needed sugar.  I know that's bad.  I know that the mere fact that I'm craving sugar at 10:45 a.m. almost everyday is an indication of how terrible the stuff is.  I can practically feel it rotting my teeth and my gut as I eat it - savouring each and every morsel mind you.  It's just that this week I needed sugar.  One too many phone calls, texts, emails, work emergencies and soaked clothing wardrobe malfunctions (which I will not detail here) drove me back to my beloved enemy.  We looked at each other with uneasy longing.  I could already feel the texture in my mouth.  I knew what it would be like to have that sweet thing on my tongue and the little bitty rush that would come after.  I knew I needed it and my enemy knew it too.


I made cookies - I'm bringing some to work because if I'm going down then we all might as well go.  My kids will eat most of it here at home but I won't lie to you, I'll be helping them.  The moral of this story for me is two fold:
1.  Never give up.  I'm going to get back on the wagon.  I might not stay there but I'll always get back up.
2.  Maybe pulling into the dark, cold days of winter isn't exactly the best time to start big time scale backs on little indulgences.


S'Mores Cookies adapted from The Globe and Mail
makes about 3 dozen cookies

2 1/2 cups unbleached all purpose flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup unsalted butter at room temperature
1 cup brown sugar (not packed)
1/3 cup sugar
2 lg eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1 1/4 cup graham cracker (about 11 halves or so), broken into 'dime' and 'quarter' sized pieces (I used a ziploc bag and broke them up but honestly it doesn't even need to be that complicated)
100g bar of milk chocolate, coarsely chopped
100g bar of dark chocolate, coarsely chopped
about 6 - 7 lg marshmallows (or the equivalent in mini's), cut into thirds

Preheat oven to 375° F.
Line a cookie sheet with parchment or a silicon liner and set aside.
Combine the flour, salt and baking soda together in a bowl and set aside.
Combine the butter and both sugars.  Cream together (using a mixer or by hand) until the mixture is creamy and well mixed.  Add in the eggs and vanilla and whisk until the mixture is kind of fluffy and creamy.
Add in the flour mixture and stir in slowly at first - once incorporated, the dough will feel quite stiff at first but it loosens up after a few minutes.  Mix until the flour has disappeared and you can't see any chunks of anything.
Add in the chocolate and stir to mix.  Add in the graham crackers and stir just until mixed (the pieces will keep breaking up if you mix too much).
Drop by large tbsp (about 1 1/2 tbsp altogether) onto the cookie sheet and press a marshmallow piece into the top.
Bake for about 8 - 10 minutes (mine came in at about 9 minutes) - the marshmallow should look a little toasted.
Remove the cookies to a cooling rack and store in an airtight container.