A very interesting thing happened this week.  I had a day off on Friday.  Many of us did because it was a school parent/teacher interview day.  If we had no interviews then we had the day to ourselves.  The kids and I wandered around for a while.  Haircuts were had.  We took in some local bakery treats.  A movie was watched and I went for a run.  Finally - a run.  A run that I've been waiting to take since what feels like forever.  But I still haven't given you the 'interesting' thing.
You see, after all of that I decided to take a bath.  I never take a bath.  Only when I'm feeling sick does the thought of lying in hot water sounds soothing to me.  Whatever the case may be, on Friday I found myself taking a bath.  A wonderful warm/hot bath.  All by myself, nobody daring to disturb me.  This is my chance to steal a few moments alone with my thoughts.  To breathe deeply and let the psychological knots untie themselves a little.  What do I find myself doing?  I start cleaning the bathtub while I'm in it.  I'm whittling away at little spots on the tile.  I rub my fingers on some of the grimy spots to get them off.  I even reach outside of the tub and start to pick up little fuzz things on the floor.  As I'm doing it I realizing how completely ridiculous this is.  I at least have the presence of mind to know that I'm completely missing the point of this 'quiet time'.  Why is it so hard to simply not do anything.  I refuse to believe that this is a 'male vs female' thing or a 'working professionals' issue or a 'parent' problem or whatever else is thrown out there.  I think that in reality it's just damn hard to unplug and sit still with oneself.
In university I spent a lot of time and mental energy (probably too much of both which may explain a little about why my degree took so long) researching, reading about and working at being still with oneself.  It seems silly to use the word 'work' when referring to being still but in my experience that is the reality.  It takes work.  The minimal amount of success that I achieved felt wonderful.  I felt so much better connected both to myself but also to those around me.  It felt like I could listen better.  I could tune in and really focus on something outside of myself which is a paradox really when you think about how much time you spent just 'listening' to yourself.  I know that my 'success' (these word don't really fit) was minimal and it made a big difference but it was a LOT of effort.
I think that it might be our lives - both our outward and inward lives - take on this inertia like being on a treadmill.  If I'm running on the treadmill I can't just stop running without slowing down the whole machine.  I've got to stop the treadmill and I've got to slow it down relatively slow otherwise my body wants to keep going.  In other words, everything has to follow suit.  I can't expect to be able to compartmentalize to such an extent that my quiet bath hour will be my meditation time - it won't work for me.  It was a a real wake up to me about how far away from myself I've gotten.


Honestly, I understand why it would be so natural for monks to make bread.  It's quiet work really.  There is something caring about the whole process beginning to end.  The proofing, the flour, the kneading, the rising.  It's nurturing and comforting and quiet.  It was just what I needed this week.  My kids declared this the best bread I've ever made.  It's got a larger than normal proportion of white flour which is probably why the enjoyed the texture so much.  It just felt amazing to make it, to knead it, to be forced to stay home and take care of it.  I probably won't be hoping into the bathtub anytime soon but I'm thinking about using my bread making as part of my quiet/meditative/focussing routine.


Whole Wheat and Rye Bread adapted from King Arthur Flour
makes 1 loaf

2 1/2 cups unbleached all purpose flour or bread flour
1/2 cup whole wheat or Red Fife flour
1/2 cup Rye flour
2 tsp salt
1/4 cup dry milk powder
1 1/4 cup water, warm but not hot
2 tsp active dry yeast
2 tbsp sugar
1 tbsp honey
3 tbsp butter (melted) or oil

Butter or grease a medium sized non-reactive bowl and set aside.
Combine the warm water, yeast and sugar together.  Stir and place in a warm, draft free spot to proof for about 10 minutes - it should be bubbly and yeasty smelling and probably will have risen.  If it hasn't then you should start again.
Meanwhile, combine 2 cups of the all purpose flour, the whole wheat flour, the rye flour, the salt and the dry milk powder together.  Once the yeast mixture has proofed add it to the flour mixture along with the honey and the melted butter or oil.  Mix well until it has formed a sticky dough ball.
Turn out onto a lightly floured surface and begin to knead, adding the reserved all purpose flour if needed, until it forms a silky, smooth and elastic kind of texture.  Place the dough into the greased bowl, turning so that everything gets covered.  Cover with a clean cloth and place in a warm, draft free spot to rise for about 1 hr (dough may not have doubled).
Butter or grease and loaf pan.
Once the dough has risen, gently punch it down and knead just a little to form it into a log form to fit into the loaf pan.  Place in the loaf pan and cover with a clean cloth and place in a warm, draft free spot to rise for about 1 1/4 hr.  The dough should have risen over the top of the loaf pan.
Preheat oven to 350°F.
Place the loaf into the oven and bake for about 30 - 35 minutes or until browned and the crust hardened enough to sound hollow when knocked on.
Let it cool completely (preferably for an hour or two) before slicing.