I have written and subsequently deleted the beginning of this post three times now.  I get a thought and start to type it out and then when I see it in front of me it just looks stupid.  Delete.
I get another thought and once that one is starring back at me I realize that it's just one sentence and I've pretty much exhausted my point.  Delete.
Another thought starts.  I type for a bit and then I get distracted and it's gone... really gone.... Delete.
Jeez.  It happens sometimes I guess.
I've had what feels like 'all-kids-all-the-time' for the last while.  My head feels to full and muddled sometimes to make sense of things.  I hope that you all know I love my kids.  Fiercely.  But I'm not beyond wanting myself in there too.  I'm definitely not beyond feeling a bit resentful sometimes that it can't be about them AND me simultaneously (I've learned after almost 12 years that it just can't and I need to stop fighting it).  And I'm absolutely not beyond longing for those days when I was me.  Just me.  Not somebody's Mom.  Not somebody's wife.  Not somebody's entertainment.  Not somebody's voice teacher.  Just me... Wanda.
It's intensely selfish, I know.  And probably one of the most ludicrous and unrealistic things anybody could wish for because we are always defined by something that involves a label.  But there it is.  I wish I could just have a 'Wanda' label - which would mean nothing to anybody but me.  Even now as I'm writing my finger is hovering over the delete button.
Am I crazy?  Probably a little.  Too much time on my hands is the most likely culprit.  I remember when I was a teenager dreaming of riding away from life on a horse (I don't have a particular love of horses so I don't know exactly why the horse was involved) and I think it's the first thing that drew me to biking.  Driving never enticed me.  Although it's fast, the enclosed space really mucks the whole thing up in my mind.  I want to be out there in the world running away from it or running to it - not sure which - with the wind blowing and the sound track playing.  There is obviously no one with me.  It's this deep feeling of freedom in my chest - that's the best way I can find to describe it.  I still get the mental picture when I'm running or biking sometimes.
So I think that's why I struggle with these multiple labels.  It's like my backpack is full and I'm being slowed down on my ride or something.  It doesn't mean that I don't like people or need to be alone all the time... it's probably not even rational.  It's just one of those things that is.  It's one thing that is 'Wanda' and not any other label.


Summer is meant for things like this.  Contemplation.  Meditation.  Whatever you want to call it.  Existential pondering.  It's what makes me feel alive.  Longing and wonder.  Recipes like this one are so easy and quick that it gives me all the time I need to go out back, lie in the grass watching the clouds roll by and wonder about it all... while my kids shoot nerf bullets over my head.
Three paragraphs ago I was on the verge of deleting this whole post again but now that I look at it, although it's rambling and a little narcissistic, I kinda like it.  The moral of this post is:  1.  Make this dish and you might just have a wonderful afternoon of stream of conscious existential thought.  2.  Don't press Delete.


Orzo, Sausage and Veggie Casserole adapted from Family Bites
serves 6 - 8

1 3/4 cups orzo
1 veggie bouillion cube
pinch of salt
pinch of saffron
3 1/4 cups water
1 small onion (could use leek here too), sliced
1 small zucchini, sliced
1 lb sausage (I used honey and garlic but italian or spanish would work well here too), casings removed
4 med sized leaves of kale (could use chard, mustard greens or spinach), chopped
1 cup corn (I used the kernels off of one cob)
1/4 cup finely minced herbs (use some kind of combination) or 2 lg tbsp of green seasoning
pinch of pepper sauce or cayenne
1/2 cup cream

In a medium sized pot bring the water to a boil and then add in the boullion cube, salt and saffron.  Add the orzo and simmer for about 6- 7 minutes.  Drain if there is still too much water and set aside - I didn't drain mine as it had absorbed most of the liquid.
Heat a heavy bottomed dutch oven to medium heat and add in about 2 tbsp of oil.  Add the onion and zucchini and cook together for about 3 - 4 minutes.  Add in the sausage, breaking it up with your fingers so it's like mince.  Cook together stirring as needed for another 5 minutes or so - until the sausage is no longer pink.  Add in the kale and the corn and cook just until the kale has withered.  Add back the orzo and turn the heat down to low.
Add the herbs and the pepper sauce.  Mix well.
Add in the cream.  Cover and remove from heat.  Check the taste and adjust if necessary.
Cool for about 10 minutes before serving.