And then the World Cup.
I did not grow up in a place that recognized the World Cup.  In my little town about an hour outside of Toronto, soccer was a thing you played after school when the hockey season was over.  Filler I guess.  When I moved to Montreal the World Cup was a thing that was recognized for sure but I was a broke student in the music faculty.  I didn't really give a crap about team sports generally and had no money to go to the pub with my friends to socialize... and watch the game.  Hence, this soccer thing was not at all on my radar.
My subsequent move to Trinidad served to school me in the 'joys' of cricket more than anything else. I thought that all of these people must be talking about croquet.  Never heard of cricket and therefor it can't be that important.  After, I've been around and would have heard about it if it were a big thing.  Yup - it's a big thing... not croquet after all... turns out most of the world knows about a lot of things that I didn't even know existed...imagine.  Cricket and all of it's test match weeks and day long games are huge... HUGE.  Who knew.


We took a trip to London a few years ago.  We wanted to reconnect with some of D's family and to spend time in a place that I had heard so much about.  Our trip just happened to coincide with the World Cup.  Of course this meant nothing to me until I attempted to navigate around Piccadilly Square during an England match (god help us all).  You couldn't so much as buy a cookie that didn't have the white flag with the red cross on it.  I think even vegetables were branded with it.  Tv ads and even a music video - so ghastly that I shudder a bit even remembering it - marketing how well the England team would do.  Of course being the England team (I'm sorry - I really am) meant that they didn't get too far into the tournament.  Imagine my shock when the then Prime Minister, Tony Blair, gave a televised statement viewed across the UK expressing his deep disappointment (expressed by him as 'devastation' as I recall) that the team would not be bringing home the cup.  What... the Prime Minister... what's going on here.  I'm sure that all of the cakes and cookies stamped with the flag went on sale the next day.

A very dark picture of two members of my family watching a game.

For D this was a relief because finally I get it.  I understand just how important this world cup thing was.  I understand that this is something entire countries get behind in a way they never do in the Olympics.  I understand that even if you aren't from Brazil you can support them and that you'd better hope if you are in the pub that you aren't the only Brazil supporter present.  I understand that even if you've lived in Canada your entire life that when it comes to the world cup you absolutely become Italian.  I get that it's almost impossible to work at your desk during a game... and why fight it.  I know now that doing something, anything on a day when there are 3 or 4 games happening will be done by me by myself unless it happens in the 60 minutes in between game times.
I understand and I'm ok with it now.  I made rhubarb cake so that I could serve it to the construction guys in our house during the game.  'Cause I know now that they won't be working.


Rhubarb Lemon Cake adapted slightly from 'honey & jam'

Reasons that you can thank me for not posting recently:

1.  You have been spared the 'My best posts of 2013' blog post.

2.  And also the 'My favourite posts of 2013' blog post.

3. As well as the 'Winter is so depressing that I'm having trouble functioning let alone writing a blog post' blog post.

4.  And don't forget the sucky 'Winter Cleanse because that's what we all need to do in January' blog post.

5.  Then there's the 'Here are some awesome pictures of snow because I have nothing else for you' blog post.

That's as much as I'm going to say about it... and we move on.

Audition season has begun with gusto.  Kid #2 has completed one of her two auditions for grade 9 (I could write a whole paragraph on how it's a travesty that I'm a parent of a thirteen year old and how you would probably never guess that I was the parent of a teenager as long as you didn't see her standing beside me... but I won't)  Kid #2 has completed his vocal audition (with flying colours - huge sigh of relief) and has moved on to academic testing (cue more internal hand wringing).  I have also been helping a handful of other hopefuls prepare for their auditions.  This has made January not quite a slow as I had hoped.
This means that the bananas have gone straight to the freezer once overripe and not into a cake or cookie or pancake or the like.  It also means that I've cued a bunch of things but haven't moved beyond the cue.  The good news is that I have a cue... right?  The freezer is starting to feel a little over crowded with all of the bananas getting stuffed in there.  I've been thinking that I've got to get serious about working down the numbers.


This recipe worked perfectly for me because:
 - it used up 2 bananas
 - it made enough waffles to make two kids happy on a Sunday afternoon and gave them breakfast the next day
 - it used buckwheat flour
 - it could have worked beautifully as a dessert with just a dollop of vanilla ice cream and a little bit of maple syrup

I will, of course, also make some kind of obligatory banana cake but I'm thinking something cocoa'y'.  After that though, I'm all out of ideas and it's back to the drawing board.  I think that I'll work on borrowing my way through January first though.


Banana Brown Butter Waffles adapted from 'Two Peas and their Pod'
makes 8 - 9 waffles

2/3 cup unbleached all purpose flour
2/3 cup buckwheat or whole wheat flour
1/4 cup brown sugar
2 tsp baking powder
1 1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
6 tbsp unsalted butter
1 1/3 cup milk or buttermilk
2 eggs separated
2 medium sized overripe bananas, mashed
1 tsp vanilla

Heat a heavy bottomed saucepan over med heat.  Add in the butter and turn the heat down to low.  Let the butter brown for a few minutes (and some water will cook out too).  Remove from the heat and cool to room temperature.
Combine the flours together along with the brown sugar, baking powder, salt and cinnamon.  Set aside.
Combine the milk, egg yolks, mashed banana and vanilla.  Mix well.

Start preheating the waffle iron.

Whisk or beat the egg whites until peaked and stiff but not dry.  Set aside.
Add the milk mixture to the flour mixture and mix to combine.  Add the browned butter and combine well.  Fold in the egg whites just until combined.

Spoon about 1/3 cup of the batter onto the heated waffle iron and heat to specifications until you use up all of the batter.

The starting gun has gone off and the race has begun.  Everything back to normal - at least, what that normal is for ten months of the year.  I know that there are a lot of mixed emotions for people at this time of year and it doesn't necessarily mean that you and/or a dependant are heading back to work or school.  I'll be honest with you, I'm usually at the bitchy, grouchy, having-bed-head end of the spectrum.  Things are changing though.  I am making a conscious choice this September to grit my teeth and be okay with it all.
Think of everything that we no longer have to think about.
Routine:  We no longer have to decide when to get up (or not) and when to go to bed (or not) and when to eat (or not).  The worry of it all has been taken off of our hands.
Bills:  For those of us on a ten month contract, by the time we get to the end of August we are frantically calling banks and credit companies deferring payments and scraping change out of the kids piggy banks to buy milk.  We look longingly through the window of the dollar store and wonder what it might be like to have disposable cash to spend in said shop.  Canned beans become our best friend and we figure that things like meat and toilet paper can wait.  For us, as of today that knot in your stomach can disappear (well maybe after the first paycheque).
Penmanship classes:  All of those cheques we are writing for school uniforms, karate, piano lessons - Yes, those cheques mean that we no longer have to be concerned with our failing penmanship.  After a week or so our writing is back in top form.
Keeping track of time:  You know how in the summer we so easily forget important dates - birthdays, anniversaries, etc.  We don't even know what holiday you are celebrating because every day feels like a holiday.  Maybe we've slept through two days.  Once September hits that's all behind us.  We live by your calendar.  In fact, we may have to have your calendar on our person at all times.  No worries about forgetting our own birthday... or sleeping through it.
Cream:  We no longer have to wonder about whether we have enough cream for our morning coffee because we no longer have our morning coffee at home.  We have our morning coffee once we get to work or maybe in the quiet, bliss of our very own car on the way to the job or school that we love.

No more worries about which flowers make you sneeze.

Overeating: (Not that this was a worry for anyone of us in the 'Bills' category) The summer is time for sweet indulgence.  When we are not sleeping or drooling on the couch, we are usually eating.  There is so much ice cream and watermelon, BBQ'd burgers and kebabs, pasta salads and grilled eggplant.  How is anyone supposed to stop?  And there is nothing but time.  Time to eat.  That worry is now long behind us.  Things will stop growing soon and it doesn't matter anyway because we don't have time to stop and eat.  Most days it's 1:44 in the afternoon before I remember to eat and then I'm in the middle of a class or a meeting or a client call.  We swallow some hummus at 3:50 and two leaves of lettuce (not in season) at 6:45.  That's called a diet people.


So, as you can see, I have decided to make a 180° turn and become an optimist.  I'm pretty sure that this  optimism is gonna last too.
In the spirit of optimism and less to worry about, I give you banana cake which is totally healthy because it's got all this brown flour that's going to make you happy and believe in the existence of unicorns.


Red Fife and Buckwheat flour Banana Cake adapted from Attune Foods and A Sweet Spoonful
makes 1 9x9 cake

1 cup Red Fife flour
1 cup less 2 tbsp Buckwheat flour
2 tbsp all purpose flour
1tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp cardamom
3/4 cup sugar
1/2 cup unsalted butter at room temperature
2 eggs
1 cup (about 3 med bananas) ripe, mashed banana
1 tbsp vanilla
1/2 cup buttermilk (or 1/4 cup milk mixed with 1/4 cup plain yogurt)
1/2 cup granola, muesli or oats
icing sugar for sprinkling

Preheat oven to 350°F
Butter and flour a 9x9 baking dish.
Combine all of the flours, baking soda, salt, cinnamon and cardamom together.  Mix well and set aside.
Whisk together the sugar and butter until fluffy.  Add the eggs and continue to whisk until completely incorporated.  Add the ripe banana and mix well.  Add the vanilla and mix.
Add the flour mixture to the banana mixture.  Mix until the flour is completely incorporated with no lumps.
Add the buttermilk and continue to whisk until completely mixed.
Add the granola and mix.
Pour the mixture into the prepared pan.
Bake for about 35 minutes, turning the pan half way through.  The edges of the cake should be pulling away from the edges and a cake tester should come out clean.
Cool for about 10 minutes and remove the cake from the pan and cool on a cooling rack.
Sprinkle with icing sugar once cooled.

Let me preface everything I'm about to list off here by saying that this bread really and truly does not need to be sprinkled with a post of the kind of potential fluff that's about to hit you between the eyes.  Nope.  Not at all.
I found this bread recipe while leafing through the pages of 'Nourishing Traditions' and dreaming about making sour dough bread - which will (I hereby solemnly vow) be my next project where things bread are concerned.  The recipe looked like it was one step away from sour dough by literally letting the flour/butter/buttermilk mixture sour for about 24 hrs before adding yeast and all that stuff.  You don't get the sourdough feeling for sure but you do get a damn fine loaf of bread.  FYI - the buttermilk is essential.  Don't skimp.

So.  You and your partner have been planning to do this for a while but you haven't quite plucked up the courage to bite the bullet?  This pizza deal may just tip the balance for you.

A very serious study and subsequent conversation around convenience food saving time... or not.  FYI the convenience food in question here is not of the chips and lucky charms variety but rather the stuff that we use to help us prepare our dinner stuff.  And yeah, it doesn't actually save us time.  If you stick to the chips and lucky charms though, turns out that you will still save time.

The sweet potatoes in my pantry have petitioned to be turned into this quiche crust.  I will oblige.

Our Prime Minister is really into Pandas.  Super Bad.  Serious Panda Thing.

If you want to check out my adventures in Italy (along with the adventures of 250 grade 5 - 12 boys) then check things out here.  P.S. I will not be on a red Vespa.

I have no link for this but can I just tell you that the crossing-guard lady who cheers me on and wishes me a safe ride everyday as I'm riding through Regent Park is an inspiration and sometimes her encouragement brings a tear to my eye.

I want to read this book soooo hard right now.

Even though we are just peaking at Spring through the door that's only cracked open, there may be some of you out there who are still pining for the glory that was Christmas 2012.  Let Christopher Lee (Saruman/Willie Wonka's Dad - among other roles) help you through.  Take a listen to 'The Little Drummer Boy'.  Go ahead... listen to 'Silent Night' too... you know you wanna.



Whole Wheat, Slightly Soured, Yeasted Bread adapted from 'Nourishing Traditions'
makes 2 loaves

1 1/2 cups spelt flour
2 1/2 cups whole wheat/red fife flour
1 - 1 1/2 cups buttermilk, warm
1/2 cup butter

1/4 cup water, warm
2 1/4 tsp yeast
2 tbsp honey or brown sugar

4 tbsp honey or brown sugar
2 1/2 tsp salt (preferably sea or kosher salt)
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 cup unbleached, all purpose flour

Combine the spelt and whole wheat flour.  Add the butter and 1 cup of the buttermilk.  Mix well and add the rest of the buttermilk in order for the mixture to form a cohesive dough ball.  Put the dough ball in a bowl and cover with a clean kitchen towel.  Place in a warm, draft free spot for 12 - 24 hours.
12 - 24 hrs later:
Combine the warm water, yeast and 2 tbsp of honey or brown sugar together and set aside in a warm, draft free spot to proof (get bubbly and yeasty smelling) for about 10 minutes.  Once you know that the yeast mixture is good then add the remaining honey or brown sugar, salt, baking soda and unbleached, all purpose flour.  Mix and divide in half.
Divide the whole wheat flour mixture in half and add to half of the yeast mixture.  Do the same with the other half of both.  Keeping the dough balls divided begin to knead each for about 4 - 5 minutes or until the yeast mixture has mixed thoroughly into the whole wheat mixture.  Once both dough balls have been kneaded then combine them and knead for another 5 minutes or so.  The dough should be silky and smooth.  Place the dough into a buttered stainless steel or glass bowl (make sure that both sides of the dough have some grease on them), cover with a clean cloth set in a warm, draft free spot to rise for 1 1/2 - 2 hrs or until about doubled in size.
Butter or grease two small loaf pans or cookie sheets if you want to make two round loaves.
Turn the dough onto a flat surface and divide in half.
Shape each into either a log or a round ball.  Grease the top of each and place either in the loaf pans or on the cookie sheets.  Cover with a clean cloth and place in a warm, draft free spot to rise for another 1 - 2 hrs or until doubled in size.
Preheat oven to 350°F.
Bake for about 30 minutes or until the crust is hard, golden and sounds hollow when you knock on it.
Cool completely before slicing.

I'm going to Italy.  I don't think that I've mentioned this yet.  Maybe I have.  I am not in Italy presently.  I am not leaving for Italy tomorrow.  I will be gone in a couple of weeks.  I would love to tell you that I'd be idling around Florence and Rome for two weeks on the prowl for the best coffee and gelato but that is not the case.  I wish that I were telling you about the red Vespa that would transport through the narrow streets of Rome.  Nope - that's not happening either.  Although I'm not a big fan of biscotti in the afternoon, I am a fan of red wine in the afternoon but there won't be much of that happening either.  Instead, I'll be running around Florence and Rome with an entourage of about 250 of us most of whom are under the age of 18.  I will be one of the chaperones for these fine gentlemen - yes, they are all boys.  I will also be helping to prepare some of the soloists for the Mass that will be held at St Peter's with Pope Francis.  Hmmm - red wine in the afternoon with my red Vespa parked just off the terrace sounds much more fun.
With my trip only a couple of weeks away I am already thinking ahead for this blog.  I don't want to bore you all with two weeks straight of pictures from Italy and complaints about how many times 12 yr old boys complain about being hungry and needing to go to the bathroom.  I've spent the later part of this week and most of the weekend (well not most) cooking, baking and taking pictures.  I want to start getting ahead of things so that I've got some good stuff to give you when I'm away.  As a result of my kitchen plotting I didn't get my bike into the bike shop for it's tune-up.  That will be for next weekend.  I also didn't get around to getting my next tattoo arranged.  Maybe that's for next weekend too - I have been fawning over these one's though.  I'm not going to feel bad even for one minute about not cleaning my bathroom.


I've got some gorgeous blueberry squares coming and some Trini food in the pipe as well.  I've got faint plans to do something with this cauliflower crust pizza thing before winter is completely over with.  I spied this cornmeal casserole thing that looks interesting too.  Chicken potstickers.  Yeah - there are a lot of plans floating around in my head.

Buckwheat flour has these dark specks  - so beautiful.

One of the first things that left the kitchen this week were these muffins.  They did not stick around for long but mostly because I shared.  It happened to be playdate day for both Kid #1 and #2 so I shared with each family involved.  I made these with orange juice and orange zest which I decided - once I tasted the zest in the batter - that I don't really like.  I would leave it out next time.  The recipe itself called for persimmon pulp which I didn't have so I just replaced it with buttermilk (and orange juice) and things turned out quite fine.  They are pretty chocolatey and rich so sharing was perfect here because a little goes a long way.  I'm going to point ever so gently to the sentance earlier in this paragraph where I mentioned 'playdate' and refer you to my previous post where I talk about my parenting philosophy.  We had an afternoon and evening of 'playdates' happening in the middle of our March Break week.  Both D and I felt like stellar parents and celebrated ourselves heartily afterwards... and we survived BTW.


Whole Grain Chocolate Muffins adapted from 'Good to the Grain'
makes about med/lg 13 - 15 muffins

1 cup buckwheat flour
1 1/2 cups unbleached, all purpose flour
1/4 cup + 2 tbsp cocoa powder
2 tsp baking powder
1 1/2 tsp instant espresso powder
1 1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking soda

3 oz unsalted butter, soft or almost room temperature
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/3 cup sugar
2 eggs
1/2 cup plain yogurt or sour cream
grated zest of 1 orange (optional)
2 cups total: use the juice of the zested orange and fill to 2 cups with buttermilk
7 oz dark chocolate (42  - 60%) coarsely chopped

Preheat oven to 350°F.
Rub a muffin tin with butter or line with silicon  or paper cups.  Set aside.
Sift together the buckwheat and all purpose flour, cocoa powder, baking powder, espresso powder, salt and baking soda.  Mix and set aside.
In another bowl beat together the butter and both sugars until light and creamy coloured.  Add in the eggs and continue to beat until combined.
Add in the yogurt and mix well.
Add the dry ingredients to the wet.  Mix well and gradually add the buttermilk/orange juice mixture.  The batter should be much thinner at this point.
Gently fold in the chopped chocolate and mix gently.
Scoop the batter into the prepared tins until the batter comes just over the top edge of the muffin cup.
Bake for about 35 minutes or until the muffin springs back or until a tester comes out clean.
Cool on a rack.
Eat warm or store for a couple of days.  Freezes well.

I'm totally distracted by lots and lots of things in my life.  At the moment my big distraction is that I have no one to go to a concert with me.  I'm gutted.  I desperately want to go and see Kate Nash who is in town next week.  I sent a call out to my cyberworld friends and sadly, have gotten no response.  D is not into K enough to go to the show although, to be fair, we haven't talked about it yet.  Kate is definitely just weird enough to be just a smidge inaccessible to most pop-loving north americans but not weird enough to make it into the super fringe crowd.  Her music speaks to me.  She seems unafraid to be a 'hysterical' female.  I'm itching to go and it's my March Break week... do I go by myself... it's pretty late in the night... I'd feel weird standing there alone...
Then I thought about how far the tables have turned... and in the weirdest way.  When I was in university I was the girl that didn't go out.  I stayed home.  I put my favourite CD in the disk player and plugged in the headphones.  I would lie on the couch and get lost in the sound.  I would read.  I would go to church.  I would grab the local and free newspaper and read about what was going on... I would never do it.  My friends would ask me to do stuff... I wouldn't.  Sometimes I would go to a movie - usually either while I was supposed to be in class (ie. during the day) or at midnight (I wasn't afraid of the movie theatre... just of some movies).  Mostly I went to friends places for dinner if I did anything at all.  Once.  ONCE!  My friend dragged me kicking and screaming (and terrified on the inside) to a Bare Naked Ladies concert.  It was fun but I felt lost, I didn't know what to do.
It's taken me many years to be okay with not knowing what to do, to stop worrying about whether I looked the part and to actually let myself want to do something.  I am now at the stage of life when most of us slow down - kids, work, home - and yet now I feel finally ready to get out there and do somethings.  Let me be clear, I still don't want to do a lot.  I'm not and probably never will be much of a party person.  But there are some things that I just want to do.


It's weird how life does that to you.  Just when you feel good about yourself and you're ready to put it out there you discover that your boat just set off from dock and you're scrambling to find another solution.  I don't know if you've ever found yourself in that situation.  Wondering how it is in your circle of friends or in your family that you are the only one who's giving a crap about some special thing or whatever.  Thing is, I'm one week away from a great show and I've got no date.  Should I consider hiring someone?  Do I ask someone to go who doesn't know KN at all - then I have to explain her or feel all apologetic when she's not what they expected.  Do I just not go?  I can get her music online after all... it's not the end of the world right?
While contemplating my dilemma I made these muffins.  Muffins are still weird for me because I feel like they are cupcake's boring cousin except... they're not.  Aside from not rising as much as I might have preferred in a perfect muffin world, these were great.  I sat with a cup of coffee (which I'm drinking again for those with an interest) and let the carrot muffin pieces in my mouth lull my into a false sense of 'ok'.


Whole Grain Carrot Muffins adapted from Good to the Grain
makes about 8 - 10 medium sized muffins

Streusel: (I only used about half of this for the muffins - the other half can go in the freezer for next time)
1/4 cup + 2 tbsp spelt flour
2 tbsp oat bran (I used quick oats instead)
3 tbsp brown sugar
1 tbsp sugar
1/2 tsp salt
3 tbsp (or so) cold, unsalted butter, cubed

Muffins:

1 cup spelt flour
3/4 cup unbleached all purpose flour
1/4 cup oat bran (I used a mixture of bran and quick oats 'cause that's what I had)

1 tsp allspice
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp salt
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1 1/2 cups carrots, shredded
1 cup buttermilk
1/4 cup unsalted butter, melted and cooled slightly
1 egg

Combine the streusel ingredients in a bowl and using your fingers, pinch together the ingredients until they form a crumbly texture.  Do this quickly and then set aside in the fridge until needed.
Preheat the oven to 350°F.
Line a muffin tin with about 10 liners and set aside.
Combine the flours, oat bran, both sugars, allspice, cinnamon, salt and nutmeg together.  Mix just until combined.  Add the shredded carrots and mix until the carrots are mixed and coated with the dry ingredients.
In another bowl combine the buttermilk, melted butter and egg together and whisk until the ingredients are combined and just a little frothy.  Add to the flour mixture and stir together just until everything has incorporated to form a wet batter.
Fill each muffin cup just to the brim with the batter.  Sprinkle a generous amount of streusel on top of each muffin (about 2 tbsp or so, if you can manage it).
Bake for about 32 - 35 minutes, turning half way through baking.
Cool slightly before removing from the pan.
Keeps for about 2 days.

I don't do martyr well.  Oh sure, I play a good game.  I'll sacrifice a lot for the sake of the kids.  I don't look like your typical diva and I certainly don't act like one.  I can tell you one thing though.  I am stamping my foot on the ground and saying 'I want my hour back!'
I was reading this article... again (!) and I've realized that what upsets me most isn't what I thought it would be.  The whole calorie counting/exercise mania/to look gorgeous crap is what initially hit me.  I tried the food restriction/calorie counting in my twenties which corresponded nicely with being desperately broke and not being able to generally afford things like meat, eggs and cheese in quantities of any significance.  What I lived on I can't remember exactly but I have vague thoughts of beans and lots of them, toast, peanut butter (thank god for that one) and coffee.  What it got me was a lot of malcontent, a size 2 and digestion problems.  Glad that one's behind me.
The exercise, as you all know, is something that I'm religious about - one of the few things really.  I don't do it to be skinny.  I am a size 8 and proud.  Why I exercise is simple.  I feel wonderful, my health is off the charts (literally, as far as my insurance company is concerned) and I think better out there on my bike or on a run than I do at any other time in the day.  It's my time.  I don't do spa days (maybe spa hours but not days) to rejuvenate, I do a run.
So what finally made me mad when I read this article?  You know, after all of these years of liberation, 'equality' and authority, we women are still working at a disadvantage all the time.  We still bear the lion's share of work in the home (in most cases) whether or not we work outside of it.  We still have children and carry a lot of the responsibilities that go along with kids.  We still feel an incredible amount of pressure to look the part... well put together, of a certain size, doing all the right things.  In other words rather than freeing ourselves over the last 50 years it feels more like a 'make work' project.  I do want my hour back.


I don't want my hour back so that I can be told what I'm supposed to fill it with.  I don't want my hour back so that I can watch reality tv on cable.  I don't want my hour back so that I can wander around in a mall.  I don't want my hour to go from being told to fill it with the Jane Fonda workout to being told to fill it with... anything.  I want it to be my hour.  And that's the martyr piece that I'm not good at.  When I don't get some time - without restraint, without demands, without mental invasion - then I start to get antsy, panicky even claustrophobic.  When I go from getting up in the morning to get ourselves and kids ready, to work, to gym, to home, to laundry, to clean, to cook, to read, to sleep then I start to feel lost in there.  Today, I'm tired of feeling lost and I want to feel found.  That's it - I'm finding myself.


Today I am eating chocolate cake - maybe even multiple pieces - and I'm going for a run - maybe even a long one - because today that's how I want to fill up MY hour.


Plain Old Chocolate Cake adapted from Alexandra's Kitchen
makes 1 8x8 inch square cake

1 1/2 oz semi-sweet or dark chocolate (not unsweetened), chopped
3/4 cup coffee, still warm
1 1/2 cups unbleached, all purpose flour
3/4 cups dark cocoa powder
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1 egg + 2 egg whites (or two eggs)
1 1/2 cups sugar
1 vanilla pod seeds
1/4 cup + 2 tbsp melted butter or oil (coconut or veg)
1/4 cup + 2 tbsp buttermilk

Ganache icing: adapted from Martha Stewart
makes enough when thickened to cover 1 square chocolate cake

3/4 cup cream
4 oz chopped dark chocolate, finely chopped
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp espresso powder
2 - 4 tbsp sugar (depending on how sweet you like it)

Grease and flour a square 8x8 cake pan.  Set aside.
Preheat oven to 300°F.

Combine the hot coffee and chopped chocolate together and set aside.
Combine the flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, baking powder and salt together.  Sift and mix well.  Set aside.
Whisk (or use a mixer) the eggs until lemon coloured and slightly frothy (about 1 1/2 minutes).  Add the sugar and continue to whisk until frothy and thickening slightly.  Add the melted butter and continue to whisk for about a minute.  Add in the vanilla and the coffee/chocolate mixture and whisk until well mixed.
Add in the flour mixture and gently whisk until well mixed.
Slowly add in the buttermilk mixture and whisk until the batter is smooth.
Pour into the prepared pan and drop onto the floor or counter just to get out the air bubbles.
Bake for about 40 - 45 minutes or until a cake tester comes out clean.
Cool completely before removing from the pan.
To make ganache:
Bring the cream just to the boiling point in a heavy bottomed saucepan.
Remove from the heat and add in the chocolate and salt and stir until the chocolate is melted and the cream and chocolate have completely mixed together.  Cool to room temperature (about 40 minutes), stirring regularly.
Whip using a hand mixer or whatever until it gets thick and spreadable (took me between 5 and 7 minutes)
Spread onto completely cooled cake.

Even though it feels like spring here in Toronto it really is just a few days away from Christmas and only a couple of days from the winter solstice aka the end of the world as we know it.  Cool.  I'm biking to and from work consistently and I'm contemplating planting the garlic cloves that I forgot about earlier in the fall.  It's that warm.
Still, it's the holiday season.  I know that because I feel like I haven't come up for air in a very long time.  I've lost what feels like days and days inside of concert halls.  Concert halls are weird places.  You lose track of everything in concert halls.  There are usually very few if any windows.  Most have none.  It's like time stands still in those places.  It's like a time vacuum.  It's weird.  I know it's the holidays because The Mall near my work is oozing with people carrying bag after bag.  I know it's nearing Christmas because there are little presents sitting on my desk each day at work from one of the boys that I teach.  I know it's the holidays because I'm going to pick up my christmas ham in a couple of days.
Up to a couple of days ago I hadn't baked anything Christmas like at all.  Nothing.  No white chocolate (a near abomination at any time of year anyway).  No cranberries.  No red or green sprinkles. (which are surprisingly hard to find BTW) However, I had a couple of spare hours in between sleeping and concerts so I decided to get creative.


This recipe didn't quite turn out the way I had imagined.  It's a little more brown than I might have liked but that's due to the whole wheat flour.  It's a little less sweet than I might have liked but that's due to the fact that I halved the sugar content - you could change that if you feel so inclined.  It's got no lemon juice in it due to the fact that I had no lemons only some zest that I had frozen a little while ago.  It has no topping, no glaze, no streusel.  I did mention earlier that I only had a couple of spare hours and the topping was the first thing to go.  So given the fact that the whole thing turned out so differently than expected I'm happy with it.  It's a brown, not too sweet way to add some cranberry to your christmas diet.  If you don't have cranberry and would prefer to use jam instead then go for it.  If jam is not your thing than throw in some frozen blueberries or even dried cranberries.  That would be fine.  Toasted nuts of some kind or even candied nuts.  Yup.  That would be fine too.  I would stay away from the white chocolate on this one.  That would not be fine at all.


Cranberry Swirl Bread generously adapted from 'In Praise of Leftovers'
makes 1 large loaf

Swirl:
2 cups cranberries, quartered
1/4 cup + 2 heaping tbsp sugar
3 tbsp water
dash of salt
1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
1 star anise
1 clove
1 tsp lemon zest

Combine all ingredients and simmer down for about 15 minutes or until the mixture is quite thick but still spreadable/pourable.  Set aside to cool slightly.

Loaf:

1 cup whole wheat flour or red fife
1 cup unbleached all purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1/2 cup melted butter
2 eggs (use 3 eggs if you are skipping the egg white option)
2 tbsp lemon zest
1/2 cup honey
1/4 cup sugar
1/2 cup buttermilk
1 tsp vanilla
3 egg whites (optional)

Preheat oven to 350°F.
Grease and flour a large loaf pan (don't use a smallish/med one like I did and then have a bunch spill over into your oven) and set aside.
Combine the whole wheat and all purpose flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt.  Mix together and set aside.
Combine the melted butter, eggs, lemon zest, honey, sugar, buttermilk and vanilla.  Whisk together until thoroughly combined and set aside.
Whip the egg whites (I used a hand mixer) until fairly stiff and can hold a peak.  Set aside.
Add the butter and egg mixture to the flour mixture and whisk together until they're fully incorporated.  Add in the egg whites and continue to whisk gently until they're fully incorporated into the batter.
Pour a third of the batter into the prepared tin.
Add about 6 tbsp of the cranberry jam on top.  Gently spread it evenly.  Pour another third of the batter on top and then another 6 tbsp of the jam spread evenly over that.  Finally pour the last bit of batter over the jam.  Take a chop stick or knife and stick it into the batter top to bottom and run it end to end once.
Bake for about 50 - 60 minutes or until a tester comes out clean.
Cool in the pan for about 10 minutes and then finish cooling on a rack.

It's the sun. We've gotten sunshine today.  It has lasted through the duration of the whole, entire day.  It's staggering the difference a little sun can make. Just like that it didn't seem too cold to run out this morning and grab a cup of coffee from down the block.  All of a sudden my butt wants to go out for that afternoon run instead of needing to be dragged out the door whilst kicking and screaming.  All it takes is a little sunshine and winter doesn't feel like a black hole anymore.  The world is a better place all 'round.
The appearance of Mr. Sun beyond generally boosting my morale has also meant that I've had a chance to take some decent pictures.  The yellow-light-kitchen-in-the-dark pictures have been truly bumming me out.  It happens every year.  I make this bad-ass, awesome food and the pictures are just disappointing and frustrating.  It's dark by 4:30 and pitch black by 4:45.  By 3:30 or so using natural light for a picture is not really possible. Sure I could set up some kind of light box configuration or ask Santa for some kind of awesome photography light that makes everything look normal but who's got the space or the time or the money for all of that.  So I wait, most impatiently, for the days when it stays light beyond 4 in the afternoon.  I long for it.  It becomes an obsession, I can taste it.  Today... well, today's gift of sunshine was a little bit of heaven.
And this is the crux of the thing really.  It's not the cold that gets us.  Cold we can deal with.  We bundle up.  We layer.  We're great at layering.  We heat our homes and drink hot toddy's.  It's the dark that really eats away at us.  It's the dark that makes this time of year so difficult to deal with.  I always thought that people had trouble with Christmas.  It's so demanding, so intense, there are so many expectations and it's overwhelming.  But now I think it's the dark that is really the problem.  If Canadians held Christmas in July it would be totally different.


If winter got you where it hurts and you're having trouble dealing with all the stress of the season then it sounds to me like you need some additional potassium in your life.  Potassium is good for you.  Potassium helps your heart and your nerves.  Bananas contain lots of potassium.  Dark chocolate is good for you too.  It has anti-oxidants which help you do stuff better (I don't know - I'm just making it up) and think like a super hero.  And that is why I made this cake.  Mostly.  I also made this cake because I'm working on whittling down the  myriad of frozen egg whites clogging up my freezer and the large bag of over-ripe bananas taking up valuable freezer space.  Now if you want to leave out the chocolate because it just turns it into the equivalent of one of those nasty after-school-specials they used to replace my real after school tv viewing with then I completely understand.  By all means do go ahead but I would highly recommend toasting a few walnuts or pecans and adding them in instead.  The whole thing will be a little ho-hum without a little additional assistance.


Red Fife, Banana Snacking Cake adapted from Canadian Living and an old recipe that I got from a friend.
Makes 1 8x8 cake

1 cup all purpose flour
1/2 cup Red Fife or Whole Wheat flour
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 cup (approx. 3) banana, mashed
6 tbsp melted butter
3 tbsp buttermilk
1 egg (+1 more if not using the optional egg whites
3/4 cup sugar (can use half and half brown and granulated sugar if you wish)
1 tsp vanilla
4 egg whites (optional), beaten until frothy, doubled in volume and peaked
1 cup chocolate chips or chunks (or toasted walnuts)

Preheat oven to 350°F.
Grease and flour an 8x8 cake pan.  Set aside.
In a large bowl combine both flours, baking powder, baking soda and salt.  Set aside.
Combine the mashed banana, melted butter, buttermilk, egg, sugar and vanilla.  Whisk together until blended.
Add the wet mixture to the dry mixture and whisk or stir to combine.  This mixture will be quite thick if you are using the egg white option.  Gently fold in the beaten egg whites until completely incorporated into the batter.  The batter will be much thinner now.
Add in the chocolate chips and stir gently just to mix.
Pour into the prepared pan.
Bake for   min.  or until cake tester comes out of the middle clean.
Cool for about 15 minutes before removing to a cooling rack.

What do you want for Christmas?
It's not a question that I particularly savour.  I don't need much and I certainly don't want to spend time thinking about it.  However, I have kids and family members who aren't quite ready to let go of the whole 'gift thing'.  As a result, I'm obliged to think about what I do want for Christmas.  So here's the start of my Christmas list.
1.  A lego finder/extractor/exterminator.  'Nuff said.
2.  A day with my BFF just us, no restrictions.
3.  A day with my other BFF just us, no restrictions.
4.  Weather that allows me to bike all year but does not indicate the onset of global climate meltdown.
5.  The ability to see through B.S. quickly, easily and without holding a grudge.
6.  The recipes that I asked for last year but didn't get.
7.  Champagne
8.  Non Cable TV that's even remotely worth watching.
9.  A new cookbook that incorporates everything I love about cooking - seasonal vegetables (heavy emphasis on the winter ones that get ignored most of the time), honey, whole wheat, humanely raised animals, locally made cheese, wine and chocolate.
Hmmm - it seems that once I got started things flowed a lot more easily than I expected.  I don't expect to get any of the things on the list with the exception of #7 and the remote possibility of #'s 2 and 3.  And that's all fine with me.


December isn't all about Christmas and concerts and gigs and running to rehearsals and moping around about the baking that hasn't happened yet and making a list of presents to buy that probably won't ever get done.  December is also about birthdays in our house.  The celebrations begin on the 2nd and don't end until the 31st.  That's right.  December 31st.  Most people I meet with a birthday in December (and I've met many many many) are resentful about it.  It's busy and birthday inevitably get overshadowed by those dang holidays.
Defying the odds, we managed to get a slice of cake down D's gullet in between gigs and we were only missing one of the fam.  This cake has made up for absolutely everything.  Everything that makes having a birthday in December frustrating.  I took a chance.  I tried a new recipe that I'd had my eye on for a while.  I adapted and swapped and added.  And it worked.  It worked beautifully, exceptionally, thrillingly.  There is absolutely nothing Christmassy about this cake and I promise that you won't care one single bit.


Chocolate Birthday Cake adapted from Marcus Samuelsson and Alexandra's Kitchen

Cake:
1 3/4 cup unbleached all purpose flour
3/4 cup cocoa powder
1 3/4 cups sugar
1 tsp espresso powder
1 tsp salt
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
2 tsp baking soda
2 lg eggs
1 cup buttermilk
1/4 cup canola oil
3 egg whites (optional, but it worked out nicely)
3/4 cup boiling water

Icing:

1 cup unsalted butter at room temperature
3 cups icing sugar, sifted
3 - 4 tbsp cream
1 - 1 1/2 tbsp espresso powder

Preheat oven to 350°F
Butter and flour 2 round baking pans and set aside.
Combine the flour, cocoa powder, sugar, espresso powder, salt, baking powder and baking soda together.  Mix well and set aside.
Beat the egg whites until stiff and set aside.
Combine the eggs, buttermilk and canola oil.  Whip together until the eggs are completely mixed in.  The mixture should feel just a little thick.
Mix the egg mixture into the flour mixture by hand or using a mixer until the liquid is incorporated.  Add the boiling water and continue to mix well until the water is evenly mixed in.
Gently fold in the egg whites until they have completely mixed into the batter.
Pour the batter evenly between the two baking pans.  Drop the baking pans onto the counter once or twice to let some of the air bubbles escape.
Bake for about 30 - 35 minutes or until a cake tester comes out with crumbs and not liquid.
Cool for about 10 minutes in the pans and then remove to a cooling rack.
Cool completely before icing.
Icing:
Mix together the icing sugar and butter until it begins to get cream slowly add the cream by a tbsp at a time.  Save 1 tbsp of cream and mix it with the espresso powder. Add the espresso cream just before the icing reaches the consistency that you are looking for - spreadable but not runny.  Add the espresso cream and mix until incorporated.  Spread over the first layer of cake on the top and sides.  Add the second layer and finish icing the top and sides.

It has come to my attention that there are a few of you out there who actually suspend your lives for a few minutes to look at my blog.  This is awesome and I love and appreciate you.
I have learned recently that there are others from this same group who not only stop on this blog for a few minutes to scroll through the pictures and see if sugar and chocolate are involved in the recipe but who take the time to read what I spew out in these paragraphs.  Just knowing this scares me.  You are the people who send shivers down my spine.
You see, I don't think about who is going to read any of this while I'm typing.  I'm not typing to a demographic.  I'm not typing in response to an expectation.  The way it usually works is that I think something and then start writing not.  I'm not even joking.  This post is a great example of my lack of planning.  I didn't even know what I was going to write literally as I started typing.  The first sentance just sounded good to me and I went with it.
I'm sure that this knowledge explains a lot about my writing to you.  It might explain the typo's (maybe - that's just not re-reading though).  It might explain the rambling.  It might help you understand why my paragraphs are so bloody short.  It doesn't, however,  explain why I keep doing it and this is the embarrassing part for me. I don't even know why I keep doing it.  Why does anyone keep doing something that they don't really want to do and think is lame?  Why do I keep telling myself that I can book that night out with a friend and then have to cancel every single time?  Why do I tell myself that I'll totally get to folding the laundry that's hanging on my hall railing this week and it still hangs there until Thursday or Friday... every single week.  Why do I keep ordering apples, telling myself that this week I will take them for lunch,  when I know that none of us really really like eating them and that they will probably go soft before we remember that they are there.
And that my friends is the real point of this post.
Apples.


I know it took a while and I bet your head is still spinning a little.  Don't try to figure it out just accept it.   Don't sit back and wonder why I wrote 4 paragraphs just to get to apples.  It's fruitless.  I couldn't give you a decent reason but either way apples were the point all along.  I buy them and them we both look at each other and think 'later'.  And then they're soft.  So last week I made apple crisp with honey and I felt so awesome for being all 'whole wheat and honey'.  This week I've added egg whites because when you make your own ice cream (and yeah, apple crisp  absolutely does NEED vanilla ice cream) you have a lot of egg whites slowly getting freezer burn.  So it's begun.  The mission to empty my freezer of egg whites and to use up this week's apples.
Just for the record, apples are coming with my food box again tomorrow.


Apple Spice Bread with Egg Whites adapted from 'Great Good Food' by Julee Rosso
makes 1 lg sized loaf

1 1/2 cup all purpose flour
1/2 cup whole wheat or red fife flour
1 tbsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground ginger
1/8 tsp nutmeg, cardamom
zest of 1 small lemon
3/4 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup unsalted butter, melted
1/2 cup buttermilk
4 tbsp plain yogurt or sour cream
juice half a small lemon (probably about 1 tbsp)
1 egg
2 - 3 egg whites
1 1/2 cups apples coarsely chopped but not necessarily peeled

Preheat oven to 350°
Grease and flour a loaf pan (I used a smaller one but should have used a large one) and set aside.
Combine both flours, the baking powder, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, cardamom and lemon zest together.  Mix and set aside.
Combine the buttermilk, yogurt and lemon juice together and set aside.
In a large bowl whisk or beat the brown sugar together with the melted butter until there are no lumps and the butter is completely incorporated into the sugar.  Add in the egg and the egg whites.  Beat at a slightly higher speed until the mixture has increased in volume just a little.  It should feel like one big combined light paste.  Add in a bit of the flour and continue beating or whisking until it's all mixed in.  Add a little of the buttermilk mixture and beat until it's all mixed in.  Continue to alternate the two until everything is used up.  Try to end with the flour mixture.
Gently fold in the apple pieces and stir until they are well mixed into the batter.
Pour the batter into the prepared loaf pan.
Bake for about 50 minutes or until a cake tester comes out clean.
Cool completely before cutting - although I couldn't quite accomplish this... Kid #1 and I shared a piece quite a bit sooner than 20 minutes... totally worth it.

I had a funny conversation with someone I'm close with recently.  We were talking about how she is dealing with our family member's illness.  How she's doing her best to cope and how little things like me bringing baking by brightens up their day.  That's nice.
Then it got a little weird because she starting telling me about how other people aren't really doing enough - I can hear that.  Really I can.  I also understand the other side of that coin though.  She then went on to explain that she purposely does not ask people for help - family or otherwise - because she wants to sit back and see who comes and helps of their own accord.  Because they care so much and it's so important to them.  Now again, I understand the argument I really do.  I just think it's dumb.
We don't ask for help.  We don't ask for anything if we can and then we get sick or we age or something happens and no matter whether we like it or not, we have to ask for help.  We have to rely on others.  So we're gonna have to get over it and it might as well be sooner rather than later.
I also think that most people are more than happy to help out.  Especially when there is an honest need and when the help is truly appreciated.  The problem is that we all get busy.  We're busy doing all kinds of crazy things.  We're busy living our lives.  Jobs.  Classes.  Homes.  Families.  Friends.  Cooking.  Working out.  Listening to music.  Reading.  You get the idea.  I think that most of us are willing but we don't have time to try and figure out what somebody needs and then go and do it for them.  It's not that we don't care it's just that it's so much extra work when we have to guess.
I, more than anyone, knows how hard it is to ask for help.  I'm terrible at it.  Really terrible.  Sometimes I simply don't know what to ask for even though I know that I need something.  I think that it's bred into us or something.  Like we'll be exposing our weakness or failure or something if we have to ask for help.  In principle though I think that it's important that we don't just wait until help is offered in order to ask for it.  It keeps us separated from each other, this not asking.  It denies people the opportunity to get to know me a little better or maybe in a way that they didn't know me before.  And it just feels good to be able to help someone else.  It's sharing not just giving... 'cause you get so much back.  I've got to give that some thought and learn to take my own damn advice.


On another note, my freezer is really dwindling now.  We are down to corn, peaches, blueberries, a few bananas and 1 portion of pesto.  I'm not feeling bad about it, it's a good thing.  Getting ready for the new season.  So when I saw this recipe originally for blueberries I thought that I should just try mixing it up a bit.  I chopped up some peaches as well and threw them in.  I suspect that raspberries would do nicely here as well.


Blueberry and Peach Buttermilk Cake adapted from Alexandra's Kitchen
makes 1  9 inch square cake

2 cups all purpose flour
2 tsp baking powder
1 1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup unsalted butter at room temperature
3/4 cup + 1 tbsp sugar
1 lg egg
1 1/2 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup buttermilk
2 1/2 cup mix of blueberries and peaches (peaches should be peeled and diced)
2 tbsp sugar

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
Grease or line a 9 inch square baking pan and set aside.
Combine the flour, baking powder and salt together in a bowl and set aside.
Beat together the butter and sugar until light and fluffy.
Add in the egg and continue to beat until fluffy and well combined.
Add in the vanilla and mix well.
Add in the flour mixture and buttermilk in alternating batches.  Beginning and ending with the flour.  Take about 4 alterations with the flour.
Batter should be quite stiff.
Mix in the fruit and stir just until mixed.  Stir gently.
Pour the cake batter in the baking tin.  Smooth out the batter.  Sprinkle with the remaining 2 tbsp of sugar.
Bake for about 35 minutes or until a cake tester comes out clean.
Cool for about 7 minutes before removing from the cake tin.

This is what we did on Mother's Day... went for a walk.