I saw this posted by a friend on FB. The article managed to almost capture a conversation that I've had over and over since getting back from our trip. In fact, D and I were discussing this very thing just yesterday over a well-deserved, relaxed and very enjoyable beer. When you go away with kids it is a trip. A trip is not necessarily a vacation. There are times when an event can be both a trip and a vacation... I guess, if that's your thing. I'm beginning to think though that travelling to a place you've never been before and staying in a wonderful new city or town or villa or whatever may never mean that I am having a vacation. If vacation means relax, read endlessly at breakfast with my coffee in hand, not have to think about food for even a second, stare contentedly at my umbrella topped drink, not even once have to read something in a language other than my mother tongue... then yeah, why would I travel somewhere wonderful for that. I can do that at home... mostly. If I'm in a new place then I want to see it and be a part of it. Walking around is my favourite way to do that cause I really do think that on foot you have a chance to take a place in... wander a bit. Weaving through streets and parks and taking turns that you might never consider in a car or be able to get to on a bus.
Nope, we took a trip. With our two kids on an overnight flight (they did better than we did with that), our destination in a 6 hr ahead time zone, got through customs, rented a car and drove about 45 minutes away from the airport to a place we'd never been to before. We stayed for a few days about 45 minutes outside of Amsterdam in a lovely, quiet 'trailer park' - these are not the north american trailer parks... think small cottages (2 bedrooms or more) on a compound and all with boat access to a lake. We travelled to the North Sea for a friends wedding. We hopped on a plane and spent a weekend in London whooping it up with family. Saw as much of downtown London that we could in 3 hours. Hopped on another plane 72 hrs after arriving and found our way back to Amsterdam. Stayed in Amsterdam for another 3 days before plopping onto a big plane and landing back in Toronto.

One of our rare family shots with D's wonderful university buddy on my right... the best host ever!

Just outside the only museum we dragged our kids to.

The small row boat on the left was used to completely embarrass my children when I took them out in it... and rowed terribly of course

It was wonderful. It was exciting. It was not frenetic but it was NOT doing nothing.
We still cooked. We walked through markets. We searched for ice cream. We made sure that a nose piercing happened. We kept kids happy, healthy and entertained (which isn't really much of a chore with our kids) and it was amazing but make no mistake... it's not a vacation. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

One of the few indulgences...

My morning coffee oasis

Did I mention that we threw in a weekend in London... family reunion and all

St Paul's just in case you needed further proof

On one deliciously hot, steamy night with jet lag throwing us all off our game and not really knowing what the hell was in the fridge of the cottage, this is what I found and threw together. Everyone was very happy.


Fridge Pasta 
serves 4 (maybe)

2 cups dry pasta - rotini, spaghetti, fusilli, whatever - boiled to al dente, drained (reserve pasta water) and set aside
1/2 cup onion (or green onion, leek... whatever) diced
3 garlic cloves, crushed
1 red pepper, thinly sliced - or green pepper or eggplant or sausage or mushroom or whatever
1 small zucchini, thinly sliced
1 1/2 cups cooked chicken diced - or cooked hamburgers, or hotdog sausages or whatever
1/2 cup tomato, finely diced with juice
1 peach - or nectarine or plum or whatever - peeled, diced and crushed
1/2 cup beer or stock or wine or milk
1/3 cup pasta water
1/4 cup cream
2 tsp salt
pinch of pepper
- optional - pinch of pepper sauce (cause I never leave that)
1 tbsp lemon zest or orange zest or lime zest
1/2-3/4 cup cheese (any cheese) diced
1/2 cup fresh herbs - parsley, chive, oregano, whatever - coarsely chopped

Heat a large skillet over medium heat
Add about 3 tbsp olive oil.
Throw in the onion, garlic, red pepper and zucchini. Cook over med/low heat for about 7-10 minutes or until softened and beginning to brown nicely.
Add in the chicken and heat for another 4 minutes.
Add in the tomato and peach. Mix well
Add in the beer/stock/whatever and pasta water. Stir for two minutes.
Add the cream, salt, pepper, lemon zest and pepper sauce (optional)
Mix well and heat through (about 4 minutes)
Check the taste and adjust if necessary
Turn heat off and add in the pasta. Mix well
Take the whole skillet to the table and sprinkle the diced cheese and the fresh herbs over everything.
Serve.

I have a few problems with pesto.
I'm a little ashamed to admit it because pesto is decent tasting and it's easy to make.
My first problem is that I never know quite what to do with it.  It's supposed to work with pasta - just tossed in pasta... and not much else.  I'm not a tossed pasta kind of person typically so that's just lost on me.  D is not much of a tossed pasta kind of person either.
I've also seen it used to coat meat.  Usually chicken.  Chicken that I'm going to stick in the oven and bake or that I'm going to cook on the stove top.  Just chicken and pesto.  I'm not much of a 'just chicken' cook.
Pesto works well on bread.  As an appetizer.  With tomato and cheese or something.  I'm not much of an appetizer cook either.
The texture is weird.  It's creamy/goopy but also leafy.  That feels odd on my tongue.
It can also be a pretty intense flavour depending on how you make it - and because I make my own it can get pretty intense.  I use a lot of parmesan.  The intensity can overwhelm easily I find and it has to be well balanced out.  I always reach for cream or a creamy cheese to add in but it does add to the richness.
As you can tell by now, even though I like the idea of making pesto I'm a little lost when it comes to using it.  This means, of course, that the pesto remains in my freezer for undetermined (read: LONG) time.  This is not good for pesto... or pretty much anything.


I'm not exactly sure that pesto and asparagus/fiddleheads are a good combination but somehow this worked.  Considering I found the pesto in the back of the freezer and it had no date on it, it's amazing that this worked at all.  At least it worked the first day.  This is not one of those baked pasta things that gets better the second day.  It gets way too dry for my taste.  I would recommend making this at a time when you have a few hungry friends coming over and maybe not when you are undergoing kitchen and house renovations.
I'm not really selling this recipe I realize but if you have the right situation to serve it in OR like a sane person make about half of the recipe then you will be fine.


Asparagus and Sausage Pesto Pasta Bake
serves 8

1 lg bunch asparagus (about 1 1/2 cups), ends removed and cut into 1 inch pieces
1 1/2 - 2 cups fiddleheads, stems removed
1/2 cup red onion, diced
1 red pepper, deseeded and thinly sliced
4 cloves garlic, crushed
3 - 4 cups spinach, washed, stems removed and coarsely chopped
1 lb sweet sausage (I used honey garlic), casings removed
1 boullion cube
1 1/2 cup pesto (I used homemade but store bought is just fine)
1/2 cup chèvre (soft goat cheese)
1 cup milk or half and half (5%)
2 tbsp worcestershire sauce
1 1/2 tbsp honey
1 tsp balsamic vinegar
pepper sauce (optional - you know I'm gonna throw in a little half tsp or so)
salt and pepper to taste
1/3 cup parmesan, finely shredded
1 cup mozzarella, shredded
3 cups cooked pasta (rotini, penne), cooked to al dente, drained (save the water though) and set aside

Preheat a large sauce pot over medium heat.
Add in about 1 1/2 tsp of olive oil.
Add the asparagus and onion, turning down the heat to med/low.
Cook together for about 4 minutes.
Add the fiddleheads, red pepper and garlic.  Cook for another 4 minutes, stirring regularly.
Add in the sausage meat and mix well, cooking together just until the meat browns.
Add in the bouillon cube and mix well.
Add in the pesto, chèvre and milk.  Mix well and let everything come back up to temperature.
Add in the worcestershire, honey and balsamic vinegar.
Add in the spinach, parmesan and 1/2 of the mozzarella.  Mix well and cook just until the spinach has wilted and the cheese has melted.
Check tastes and add salt and pepper as necessary.
Add in the cooked pasta.  Mix and add enough of the pasta water to make the mixture reasonably thin (I used probably about a half a cup)
Pour everything into a large baking dish and spread evenly.
Sprinkle the rest of the mozzarella on top of the pasta.
Bake for about 25 minutes or until the mozzarella on top is bubbling and golden brown.
Cool for about 15 minutes before serving.

I'm all in.  It's been one week.  I am 1/6th through and I'm all in - I've bought the farm so to speak.  Jumped into the deep end.  I've decided to stop thinking about how hard it will be and just do it.  However, that gets difficult when there is no beer at home to dull the senses.  I've learned my lesson and am working to correct the situation.

A friend put some comic thing from bitstrips on FB about me.  I hate bitstrips.  I don't feel the need to be in my own personal comic strip.  I don't find them entertaining.  In this case, it's fine.  I swallowed my hate.  I smiled.  I left a nice, if slightly strange, comment and have moved on.  I love my friend.  She's a real friend and not just a FB friend.

Our Mayor is still the Mayor which is weird because nothing else seems to be happening in this city but figuring out what to do with the Mayor.  I wish that we all got this upset about his governing (or lack thereof) and not just the crack smoking, constant inebriation, domestic issues and alleged criminal connections - although all of those things add up to quite an impressive resume to discuss.  All of this has come out over the last two weeks.  Imagine where we'll be by the end of November.  I was going to link you all to some Rob Ford article or other but there are so many.  Just google him and you can check out all of the tawdry details yourself.

I am conducting one of our choirs at Mass tomorrow.  I don't really know what I'm doing.  I'm not really a conductor.  I fake it.  The boys do this every Sunday from September through June.  They know what to do.  If I forget to tell them to stand it's ok - they remember and do it themselves.  If I forget which way the go to line up for the Eucharist, it's ok - they line up on their own.  Tomorrow happens to be the one Sunday when we are being taped by a tv station.  The Sunday I am subbing and trying not to look like I don't know what I'm doing.  Oh.

I forget that this time of year sucks.  I forget that it's really hard to get out of bed.  I totally forget that I always feel like I can't move out into that dark space outside of my door past 7pm.  I went for a long run today and remembered that when I don't run it's ten times worse.  Biking is great.  Biking gets me to work and it helps me feel like I've accomplished something good.  However, running is my happy drug.  Especially in the winter.  There is no replacement for it and I need it like I need medication.  I cannot go for five days without my medication.  I started to feel like a human being again.


This recipe leaves me with one 3 lb bag of turkey left in my freezer.  I will pull that bag out week after next.  I don't yet know what I will do with that turkey.  The second to last bag in the freezer turned into Turkey Paprikash - which turned out well and I wish that I had written the recipe down so that I could share it - and this orzo thing with butternut squash.  I guess the Paprikash thing really makes this 'Leftover Turkey #6'  The squash really needs to be roasted.  It just does.  The recipe is tasty and although it didn't get gobbled, it did get mostly eaten entirely.  A month of turkey later that is saying something.



Turkey and Roasted Butternut Squash Orzo
serves 6

1 med butternut squash, peeled and cut into 1 inch chunks
4 tbsp oil or grease
1 small onion, sliced thin
2 1/2 cups leftover turkey or chicken, cut into big chunks
3 cloves garlic, crushed
3 cups chard, thickly sliced
3 cups turkey or chicken broth
2 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1 tbsp soy sauce
2 tbsp mixed herbs (parsley, oregano, rosemary, marjoram is a nice mix)
pinch of cayenne, chipotle powder or pepper sauce
pinch of saffron
pinch of cumin
2 tsp salt
1 1/2 tsp honey
3/4 cup orzo (cooked for 3 minutes in boiling water, drained and set aside)
1/2 - 3/4 cup parmesan cheese, grated
1/2 cup cream

Preheat oven to 350°F.
Combine the butternut squash chunks and the oil or grease of your choice.  Mix to coat and place the chunks onto a baking sheet in 1 layer.  Bake for 45 minutes, tossing half way through.  Remove from the oven and set aside.

Heat a large dutch oven over low heat.
Add a little oil and add the sliced onion.  Cook over low heat for about 10 minutes, stirring to prevent sticking.
Add the garlic and turkey or chicken.  Cook for about 2 minutes.
Add the Worcestershire, soy sauce and herbs.  Mix to combine.
Add the turkey or chicken broth.
Bring to a simmer and add the saffron, cumin, salt and honey.  Stir to mix and add in the orzo.
Continue to simmer for about 5 minutes.
Add the chard and mix.
Cook for another 5 minutes.
Turn the heat down to low and add the roasted butternut squash and the parmesan cheese.  Mix to melt the cheese.
Add the cream and stir to mix.  Check the taste and adjust if necessary.
Serve

Things you can't do when you contract a stomach bug:
 - eat
 - make food
 - stand up
 - think
 - answer phone calls
 - work
 - run
 - write a blog post

Things you can easily do when you contract a stomach bug:
 - sleep in your bed
 - lie down in your bed
 - find comfortable positions in your bed
 - doze while your 7 yr old reads to you in bed
 - allow yourself to be looked after in your bed

It's so easy to forget how immobilizing a stomach bug can be.  When you can't stand long enough to even brush your teeth.  That it becomes so difficult to concentrate that you can't even focus on a text message.  How many days it takes to go over it and how frustrating it can be. This has been my life over the last 5 days.  Incidentally, those same five days included our entire Thanksgiving weekend.  It's almost embarrassing to consider how much time I've spent sleeping over the last five days and alarming to realize how little I've eaten.  But such is the business of stomach bugs and, fingers crossed, it's the last time I have to deal with that business for a good, long while.


Needless to say, I did not do much eating of this lasagna.  I got hit just after I made it.  I am assured that it was very good though and, in case you were wondering, feeds an army.
It was Thanksgiving weekend in Canada so many or even most of us were celebrating in our way.  This was one of the first years in which we were completely on our own.  So even though I was not feeling great at all I managed to churn out some mashed potatoes (with the help of Kid #1), Trinidadian callaloo, stewed pigeon peas, stuffing and apple pie (at the request of Kid #2 who decided that he didn't like it)  D took care of the turkey - purchasing, prepping, roasting, basting, carving and making of gravy - all of it, thankfully.  I was able to eat some of our turkey dinner but not much.


This lasagna is a great way to use up some cooked chicken and an even better way to incorporate kale (the new superfood - I'm sure you've heard of it)  The best part is that it tastes good and everybody doesn't mind eating the super food.  It might not be the best thing for you if you have a stomach bug but quite frankly there is just nothing that is 'the best' when such things are in play.


Chicken and Ricotta Lasagna
serves 10

16 lasagna noodles (whole wheat is fine), cooked to al dente, drained and cooled slightly
4 cups cooked chicken, diced
1 small onion, diced
2 lg cloves garlic, crushed
2 1/2 cups mushrooms, quartered
5 cups kale, finely chopped
1 cup broth (chicken or vegetable) or wine
3 1/2 cups ricotta
1 cup cream cheese
1/2 cup soft goat cheese (chèvre)
2 tbsp worcestershire sauce
3 tbsp italian seasoning (or you can combine your own)
2 tbsp fresh lemon juice
2 tbsp honey
2 1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp pepper
good dash of pepper sauce (optional)
1 egg
1cup grated parmesan
3 cups mozzarella cheese, grated
4 cups tomato sauce (I used my homemade stuff - anything you've got that is already seasoned is fine)

Preheat oven to 375°F
Heat a heavy bottomed dutch oven over medium heat.
Add about 3 tbsp of oil.
Add the onion and garlic, cooking until the onion is softening and turning golden.
Add the mushrooms and cook until they become soft.
Turn the heat down to low, add the kale and cover until the kale wilts.
Add the broth, ricotta, cream cheese, goat cheese, worcestershire, italian seasoning, lemon juice, honey, salt, pepper and pepper sauce (optional).  Mix well.
Add the chicken and mix well.
Add the egg and parmesan and mix well.
Take a large roasting pan and put enough tomato sauce in to just coat the bottom of the pan.
Line the pan with a layer of lasagna noodles.
Add a layer of the chicken mixture and then layer with about a half cup of tomato sauce and sprinkle with some mozzarella.
Continue layering it like this until everything has been used up, making sure to reserve enough mozzarella for the top.  If you have some extra parmesan then go ahead and sprinkle it on.
Bake for about 40 - 45 minutes or until the top is golden brown and the sides are bubbly.
Cool for about 15 minutes before slicing.

The first week of the next 10 months is squarely behind us all.  Thank Jeebus.  It felt like the starting gun went off and the race is on.  It won't stop now until June 2014.  Long race.  I went to the staff social on Friday after work.  This is newsworthy because I never go.  Nobody noticed because we were all too shell shocked to really converse with each other in any meaningful way.  No amount of alcohol could help us.
Kid #2 has added to his PTSD-inducing-non-stop-talking by way of making movies on my phone.  He sets up the phone on the couch so that it's at precisely the right angle to catch his moves (talking non-stop) and then records himself acting out some sword fight from something or other.  Full sound effects and stage worthy bow at the end.  Who says violent video games don't do damage.  He's done about 12 movies so far.  The only thing that changes is the lighting (afternoon into evening).  I have already deleted 6.
Kid #1 is happily walking into 'teen land' having started at a new school (an arts school which she had to audition for and we're very proud of her for getting accepted into).  We've been inundated with stories of new friends, new teachers (all of whom are epic apparently) and how today's dance class was... oh yeah, and can I take clarinet lessons (god... NO)
Huffington Post classified this piece as 'Weird News' but I don't think that there is anything weird about it.  In fact, I was thankful for the information and appreciated the commitment to education that the artist displays.  Be warned: There is audio that kicks in automatically (which I can't stand Huffington Post... Please make it my choice, Thank You) so if your kids aren't comfortable with the word 'clitoris' then think about volume.


First pay cheque day is not until the middle of the month which means we are still scrounging around and making whatever we can find in cupboards and the freezer.  Beans are my friend.  Orzo is cheap but looks classy.  Fortunately, being the end of summer means that vegetables are plentiful.  Also, fortunate that I haven't used everything in the freezer from last year.  I think that the very last thing will be soup with last years frozen green beans and broccoli along with whatever is dying in the crisper.  I would guess that this dish comes in at well under 10$ in total but don't quote me on that.  If it's not under 10$ then it's awfully damn close which is saying something when it makes that much food.


Corn, Zucchini and Tomato Orzo adapted from Eat to Thrive
serves 6-8

1 generous cup orzo, uncooked
1/2 cup onion
1 med/lg zucchini, thinly sliced
3 cups cremini or button mushroom, stems removed and quartered
1 cup corn kernels
1 can (about 400 ml) black beans, drained and rinsed
2 cups diced tomato (keep the juice)
3/4 cup vegetable broth
2 tsp honey
2 tsp salt
2 tsp chili powder
1 tsp cumin
1/2 tsp chipotle powder
1/2 tsp cardamom
1 cup cheddar cheese, shredded

Bring about 3 cups of water to a boil.  Add salt and then the orzo.  Cook until al dente (about 8 minutes).  Drain - reserving some liquid - and set aside.
Heat a heavy bottomed dutch oven or large pot over med heat.  Add about 2 tbsp oil.
Add the onion and the zucchini.  Cook for about 6 or 7 minutes, stirring regularly.
Add the mushrooms and cook for another 5 minutes - turn down the heat a bit if you need to.
Add in the corn kernels and drained black beans.  Mix well
Add the tomato with the juice, vegetable broth, honey, salt, chili powder, cumin, chipotle powder and cardamom.  Mix and simmer at med/low heat for a few minutes.
Turn the heat down to low and add in the cooked orzo - add a little bit of the pasta water - and mix well.
Add the cheddar cheese and mix.  Remove from heat, cover and allow the cheese to melt for about 5 minutes.
Serve.

No less than 3 times over the past week and a half have I found myself intimately discussing women's bodies.  It wasn't the good kind of discussing unfortunately.  It made me sad.  It reminded me that for women body image hasn't changed much since the late fifties.  Very sad.  It reminded me that as a woman body image is going to be an uphill challenge for the rest of my life.
One conversation was regarding the royal pregnancy (which, can I just reiterate here - I don't care much about at all beyond 'it's nice they had a baby') and more specifically the royal post pregnancy body.  Now this I care about.  I am absolutely incensed that Kate is being maligned for having a post pregnancy belly not two days after giving birth.  I must give kuddo's where kuddo's are due.  Since most celebrities either don't show their post-birth bodies until they've lost all of the weight or they have surgery immediately after the birth, I must applaud Kate for what must have been a very gutsy and honest decision... to walk out of that hospital.  Guess what.  That's what most women look like after giving birth.  It's beautiful - she and her beautiful belly are powerful and gorgeous.
Another conversation was about a woman's legs and booty.  A performer was wearing a wonderful pair of shorts which beautifully showed off her ample thighs and booty.  She wasn't skinny.  She had cellulite (OMG).  She was gorgeous.  Not just her face but all of her... absolutely gorgeous.  My friend thought that, although this woman had a beautiful face, she needed to keep that thigh stuff under wraps... clothing more specifically.  Allow me to clarify that the performer was not wearing anything obscene.  To clarify further, I don't believe that cellulite is obscene.
A third conversation was about not wearing shorts... for many years because of insecurity and fear of judgment.  By the third conversation I was starting to feel frustrated, angry and even militant.

This weeks food box contents - for those interested.

So now I start thinking out loud.  Just rambling really because I can't even quite put together what is most upsetting for me about this whole body image thing.
Cellulite, jiggling, flat stomach, ripped abs, stretch marks, arm flab... hell, even grey hair.  Everything must be altered according to.. to what?  Social convention?  I don't even know but it feels like we are never good enough unless we've changed stuff about how we look and therefor we are constantly working on changing it so that it better matches what we see on a page or on a screen 'cause sure as shit our mirrors don't reflect those images back at us.  I wonder:

Why do we judge each other's bodies with such damning severity?
After all of these years, is Twiggy still the only benchmark for body beauty?
Is my daughters generation as obsessed with body image as my generation is/was?
Who cares if people think I'm fat?  I'm not hiding.

I've been reading this blogger quite a bit over the past few months.  I especially loved what she said about running and really exercise in general.  She has given me hope that there are a growing number of women out there not constantly judging themselves and others against this extremely rigid model of beauty or so-called normal.

I love what this photographer is promoting.  Sometimes I feel like I'm going to cry when I look at the pictures.

When I think about the crazy that surrounds weight loss on this continent it makes my head spin.  Keeping us  - most especially women - unhappy with their bodies means that a lot of people make a lot of money.  A lot.  Quite frankly, none of us can keep up with all of the diets and 'good' advice.


To conclude my not-so-well-put-together rant:  I don't believe that skinny is beautiful.  I don't believe that fat is beautiful.  I believe that being a woman is beautiful... whatever her shape and size.  I'm so tired of fighting against the machine that my insides hurt.  I believe that I am beautiful because I am.

Here is a recipe of food that tasted good.  Eat and love yourself.


Roasted Summer Vegetables with Sausage and Rotini
serves 6

2 fennel heads, cut into 1 inch thick slices
2 red pepper, seeded and cut into 1 inch thick lengths
2 yellow or green zucchini, halved and cut into 1 inch thick slices
4 italian sausages (about 1 - 1 1/2 lbs), halved
5 - 6 tbsp olive oil
salt and pepper
4 cups rotini pasta, cooked al dente (as per the package instruction time)
juice from half a lemon
pinch of nutmeg
1/2 cup (approx. - think a generous sprinkling) parmesan cheese, grated
drizzle more of olive oil

Preheat oven to 350°F.
Place all of the vegetables on a big baking sheet or cookie sheet.  Add the olive oil and toss the veggies to coat everything.  Spread the veggies out evenly on the baking sheet.  Sprinkle with salt and pepper.
Add the pieces of sausage to the top.
Roast for about 25 - 30 minutes or just until the veggies have browned nicely at the edges.
(Meanwhile - cook the pasta if you need to)
Remove the baking sheet and cool slightly.  Sprinkle with a pinch of nutmeg.
Combine the veggies and pasta together in a large bowl and toss well.
Add the lemon juice and toss.
Sprinkle with the parmesan cheese and toss.
Drizzle with a little more olive oil if you like.

There are certain phrases that have been going through my head over and over again.  The big one has been: Stop waiting to not be afraid to do anything.  It's a weird phrase and I'm giving it to you exactly as I thought it.  I haven't tried to make it unweird at all.  I'm not exactly sure why it's been running on replay in my brain for the last while but there it is.
Dealing with being afraid has been a running theme throughout my life but then who doesn't have that?  We all deal with it in one way or another.  Fear is a big deal.  I don't buy that it's not a big deal.  Just because it's only an emotion doesn't mean it's not a big deal.  Just because it's not a physical wall in front of me or a huge monster blocking the road doesn't mean that it's not a big deal.  In fact, I think that it's more easy to be afraid than not.  And it's not always about being afraid of doing something or confronting something, I can also be afraid to say no or of doing nothing.
Having this phrase rolling through my head has given me some time to ponder, to turn it around and lift it up and look underneath it a bit.  I think that being a bit older has now given me a different perspective.  I find myself looking at situations where I'm terrified to confront or things which I'm afraid to admit and I think about how I'm going to feel after I do it.  I experienced a situation recently which in the scheme of life was pretty small but I went ahead and did what I needed to do even though I could hardly swallow and my hands were shaking.  Sure, there was a desired outcome - a kind of 'ideal situation' thing (which didn't happen incidentally) - but I knew that I had to do it because I would be so disappointed with myself if I didn't.  After I did it.  After I said what I wanted to say (which was brief ie.  really no big deal) I had what was probably one of the best nights I've had in a while.  I felt so good for just doing it.  So good that the outcome didn't matter nearly as much as I thought it would.  I didn't feel like all I was made of was chicken s$#@.
That, my Peeps, makes me think about the bigger things.  Is it possible that those bigger things that I'm terrified might work the same way.  If I look those bad boys in the face (and be so scared that I possibly have an accident on the spot) how good will I feel afterwards.  How proud of myself will I be?  Will it matter whether the outcome was the one I was looking for?  It feels good to be proud of yourself.  I know this already from performing.  When you've done the work, when you know it's good and you have something to say and get up there and you say it... even though you're scared.  It feels great.  I never thought about how that could transfer into the other areas of my life.  I've got some thinking to do now.


This, of course, has nothing to do with the recipe here... or maybe it does, I'm not sure.  I got some fiddleheads this past week along with some ramps and stinging nettles.  I love fiddleheads but decided not to stress out about making them into some kind of thing in which they are the only star of the show. I just wanted to eat them.  So I made this.  I had mine on top of some salad greens because it just made sense to me at the time but you certainly don't have to do that.  Adding the saffron and the chipotle powder changed the whole dish and I liked where it went.


Spicy Fiddlehead Orzo
serves 6 - 8

1/2 cup onion, diced
1 cup mushrooms, halved
4 cups fiddleheads
4 cloves garlic, crushed
3/4 lb (about 2 cups) ground pork, lamb or seasoned tempeh
1 1/4 cup orzo (uncooked)
3 cups veggie or chicken broth
1/2 cup wine (white or red - whatever you have around)
1/2 tsp each - basil, oregano, parsley
1/2 tsp saffron
1/2 tsp chipotle powder
2 tsp chili powder
2 tsp honey
1 1/2 tsp salt (to taste)

Heat a large, heavy bottomed pot over medium heat.
Add about 3 tbsp of oil or grease.
Add the onion and mushrooms and cook for about 4 minutes.
Turn the heat down to med/low and add the fiddleheads and garlic.  Cook together for about 3 minutes.
Add in the ground meat or tempeh and cook for another 4 minutes.  Stir when necessary to keep from sticking to the bottom.
Add the orzo and stir until the orzo is mixed well and coated with oil.
Add in the broth and stir well.
Add in the wine, herbs, saffron, chipotle powder, chili powder and honey.  Stir well.
Turn the heat down to low and cover the pot.
Cook for about 30 minutes or until the orzo has cooked through.
Taste and add salt if needed.
Serve.

I went to my first professional basketball game this week and I was totally... BORED.  It may have had something to do with the fact that I had been working my ass off for the entire day because we were the choir singing the national anthems at the games.  It might have had something to do with me not sleeping well for a couple of nights prior to the game.  It might also just be that I'm not into that kind of thing.  The only game I seem to find any pleasure at all in watching is soccer (known as football by the rest of the world) and even that is pushing it.
It got me thinking about how bored I got watching baseball and even (dare I say it) hockey.  The weird thing is that I do like sports.  I even think of myself as somewhat athletic.  So much so that I wonder if the current 'Me' went back to high school now 'Me' might consider trying out for volleyball or track or something.  That's saying something.  What I find when I'm watching a game from the stands of these huge arena's is that I am so far removed from the game itself, it's so far away, that I don't invest.  I'm not connected to it at all.  There are so many people watching and we're all so far away and it starts and stops so much and so many of us are moving around and talking and leaving to pee and going to buy junk food that I can't focus.  There is the constant drone of the announcer and the lights flashing on the jumbotron.  It's too much for me.
And then I don't know the game well and I certainly don't know the players.  I'm out there at Centre Court for sound check with the players all warming up around us and watching our high school boys freaking out and thinking that this would probably be pretty meaningful if I had a clue who these guys were.  It seemed funny to me.  The highlight of the night was seeing that a well known Canadian actress was sitting court side (they gave her some flowers and a stuffed mascot toy - we could only see it on the jumbotron).  Realising that this was the highlight for me pretty much sealed it.  Yup - I'm not meant for this kind of stuff.


So if you were thinking about buying some season's tickets for a hockey/soccer/basketball/baseball team in the city you might want to reconsider.  I'd be pretty happy that you thought of me and might feel a sense of obligation to attend some of those games just because you spent the money on me but I wouldn't enjoy it much.  I really enjoyed the moment when D and I realised we just wanted to leave early and go home for a beer... which is exactly what we did.



This, of course, has nothing to do with the recipe that you will find below.  That's because there is no cool story for this recipe.  This recipe isn't really glamorous or cool.  It's just good and kinda healthy because it's using cooked cauliflower in place of the flour.  I don't know, maybe that is kinda cool.


Cauliflower Alfredo Sauce adapted from 'cupcakes and kale'
makes about 4 cups of sauce

3 1/2 cups cauliflower pieces
1 cup onion, sliced
4 med cloves garlic
1 can (about 1 cup) white beans, drained and rinsed
1 cup cream
3/4 cups milk
2 tsp salt
2 boullion cubes
1/2 tsp paprika
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1 tsp honey
1/2 - 3/4 cup parmesan cheese, grated

4 cups cooked pasta of choice (I used cooked penne)
4 cups veggies - I used greens (kale and chard mixture) - steamed until wilted or softened
3 slices of bacon (optional), diced
1 1/2 cups mushrooms, halved
1/3 cup walnuts, coarsely chopped

Bring a large, heavy bottomed pot to a boil with about 3/4 cup of water (approx).  Add in the cauliflower pieces, turn the heat down to med/low and cover.  Cook for about 15 - 20 minutes or until the cauliflower is softened and mashable.  Drain and set aside.
In a large dutch oven or heavy bottomed pot heat about 3 tbsp of oil over medium heat.  Add in the onion and cook for about 4 minutes.  Add in the garlic and cook for about 3 minutes together.  Add in the white beans.  Turn the heat down to low.
Add the cauliflower, milk and stir well.  Using a hand blender or pouring the whole thing into a regular blender, puree until the whole thing forms a sauce consistency.  Making it as smooth and consistent as possible.
Add in the cream, salt, boullion, paprika, nutmeg, honey and parmesan.  Mix until the parmesan has melted in.  Check the tastes and adjust if necessary.

To make the casserole:
Heat a large frying pan over medium heat and add the bacon.  Cook about two minutes or until just beginning to get brown.  Add in the mushrooms (and the greens if you don't want to steam them) and cook for about 4 minutes.
Combine the cooked pasta with the bacon and veggie mixture.  Toss to combine and pour into a large baking dish or serving bowl.
Pour the sauce over the pasta mixture and stir well.
Sprinkle with a little additional parmesan and the chopped walnuts.
serve.

The house is quiet.  Amazingly, Blessedly quiet.  I've been longing for quiet lately.  It's a craving in my gut.  I can't think of a time in my life when the noise of life has felt like such a heavy weight to bear.  At 6:30 p.m. last evening I went to my room - like a teenager.  I went there by myself.  I curled up in bed and read some.  Then my eyes felt heavy and I let myself doze a little.  After that I read some more.  I didn't feel like eating more than I felt like staying put.  So I stayed put.  Every time the door to my room opened the noise felt deafening, jarring.  I didn't want to interact. No questions, thank you very much, because I'll feel coerced to answer.  No music.  No voices from a computer screen or tv coming at me.  I even turned a fan on in my room so that I couldn't hear anything from the floor below.  I stayed in my room until 8:30 a.m. this morning.
I'm not sure if I'm an extrovert or an introvert and to be quite frank, I don't care.  I get impatient with labels (I'm remembering, back in the early nineties, a friend of mine peddling and pushing personality tests like doing it would get me into heaven) because I think that it can prevent us from truly listening to our 'self' and to what we need at any given time.  It can also excuse a hell of a lot of behaviour that we should in all honesty seek to change.  So this weekend I'm an introvert.  Next weekend or even tomorrow, I might be an extrovert.  Maybe not today but on another day and in a moment of gritty honesty I would tell you that I'm some of both and that I think we all are.  I would also add that it's probably really important that we are all some combination of both.  Can we allow this duality to exist within our 'self' (I'm not sure why I'm putting that word into quotes but it seems like the right thing to do at this moment).


Admittedly, I'm not comfortable with duality.  We've been socially conditioned for generations now to avoid it.  All black or white.  Not a blend and never both.  It's wrong politically.  It's wrong religiously. It's wrong morally... and all that.  I'm working on relearning those ideas.  I'm working on feeling okay about how much I squirm when faced with it.  I'm working on embracing the idea of needing that duality.  We need to have both right and left in our society and in ourselves.  We need each other.  We need the happy and the sad, the good and the bad.  It gives us the depths of feeling, emotion and appreciation that connect us together.  We need *ahem* the black and the white.  And we need the quiet and the loud. Today I'm happily hugging up the quiet.  We're drinking each other in with gusto.


There are certain constants for me though and the desire to get my hands dirty both outside in the garden and inside the kitchen doesn't change.  Whatever the emotional place I'm in, the getting of my hands dirty feeds it in the best of ways.  Given that my sweet potatoes were nearly on the outs and that I had been meaning to make something like this for a long time, today was the the perfect day to dive into the project.  These definitely make a winter meal and would go beautifully with some kind of braised meat.  I choose to serve mine with some winter greens and bacon.  The greens are definitely a must, the bacon definitely optional.  I've cooked up enough for all of us to have a taste and then I put the rest (uncooked) into the freezer.  I still didn't feel much like eating today but I did down some of these and I'm the better for it.


Sweet Potato Gnocchi adapted from Aida Mollencamp
serves 6 - 8

3 med sized sweet potatoes, halved
2 med/sm russet potatoes, halved
oil of choice
2 tsp + a sprinkling of salt
dash or two of pepper
1/2 cup parmesan, grated
1 egg, beaten
1/2 cup whole wheat (or Red Fife) flour
1 - 1 1/2 cups unbleached, all purpose flour

Heat oven to 350°F.
Rub the halved sweet potato and regular potatoes with oil, sprinkle with salt and roast on a roasting pan for about 30 minutes or until soft.  Remove from oven and cool.  Scoop the insides of the sweet potatoes and potatoes into a bowl.  Mash with a masher, forks or a hand blender (that's what I used).
Add in the 2 tsp of salt and a dash or two of pepper.  Mix and add the parmesan cheese, beaten egg, the whole wheat flour and about 3/4 - 1 cup of all purpose flour.  Mix well.  If the dough is still damp but doesn't stick to your hand then it's fine and you don't need to add any more flour.
Turn out onto a lightly floured surface.  Form the dough into a square(ish) kind of shape and slice into about 8 logs.  Flour your hands and roll the log out until it's about 1/2 - 3/4 inch in diameter.  Slice into about 1 1/2 inch long pieces.  You can roll each piece with the fork tines or leave them as is.
[At this point you can place the pieces on a cookie sheet and freeze.  Once the pieces are frozen then you can put them into freezer bags - you might want to do this if you won't be eating them all at one time.  Once the gnocchi are cooked they don't keep.
You can also refrigerate for a few hours and bring to room temperature before cooking. ]
Bring a med/large pot of water to a boil.  Once boiling add a dash of salt.  Add the gnocchi to the boiling water and simmer for about 6 minutes.  The gnocchi will resemble the texture of dumplings at this point.
Have sauce ready.
Remove gnocchi from the simmering water with a slotted spoon and toss in the sauce that's ready.
Pour the gnocchi onto a plate and sprinkle with a little more parmesan cheese.
Serve.

Brown Butter Sauce
will do about half of the gnocchi

1/4 cup butter
1/8 - 1/4 cup onion, finely chopped
12 (or so) fresh sage leaves

Heat a heavy bottomed sauce pan over med heat.  Add the butter and onion.  Continue to simmer the butter over medium heat.  Add the sage leaves for about 2 minutes and then remove with a slotted spoon.  Once the butter starts to turn brown then turn the heat down.
Toss with the gnocchi and add in the sage leaves.

And just like that the holidays are over and it's back to normal and I for one am so happy to be going back.  In the winter we all get a little stir crazy being inside.   Oh I wish that I were more adventurous as a parent, sure.  I watch with awe and wonder at the parents schlepping their kids here, there and everywhere in pursuit of happiness and fun.  I'm not that parent.  I'm the parent letting their kid have a cookie at 10:30 a.m. because it's the holidays.  I'm the parent letting their kid stay in pyjamas all day and doing movie marathons.  I'm the parent who might not even say a word to her kids for 2 or 3 hours because your all off in a different room... maybe napping.  I'm not out snowshoeing.  I'm not out at the mall.  We are not skating.

Note: Them - Outside/Me - Inside... maybe napping

With that in mind, we've all had a ton of relaxation and down time and are ready to brave the rest of the winter and get back to a routine.  My Christmas ham is getting it's final send-off by going  bone and all into split-pea soup.  The wine is drunk.  The champagne bottles are empty.  Birthdays have been celebrated.  Mother-in-laws have been moved.  Gingerbread houses have been decimated.  We are having our last holiday visitors over today... the tree is gone (thank god - goodbye) and the alarm clock is set for tomorrow.
Things go back to normal.  Back to waking up before the sun gets up.  Back to listening to CBC 'Metro Morning' which ends at 8:30 a.m. so I don't think I need to explain why I didn't listen over the holidays.  Back to being the lessons and classes taxi service.  Back to really listening to news and reading the papers.  A return to my normal cynicism around the politics of change as opposed to the politics for theatre.  And hence, back to my regular frustration.  It's back to piano practice and homework after school and cleaning out lunch kits.
And finally, it's back to the comfort of the everyday and food that can be transported for lunches or work well as leftovers.  Enter: Squash.


Squash - that stuff I hated when I was a kid.  Squash - the stuff I only knew as a thing that you cut in half, de-seeded (never done by me mind you) and roasted with sugar and butter.  Sometimes it was bearable and other times it was the WORST.  Squash - the food that you tolerated for dinner and hoped that something better (like taco's or spaghetti from a can) was coming tomorrow.  Squash - the dinner guest that I discovered would come out of my brother's nose if I got him to laugh hard enough.  Squash - the stuff that I thought only came in dark green acorn and bright orange pumpkin.  Squash - the food that I would never in a million years have guessed could make a rather nice sweet loaf... seriously, who knew that one.
Now, squash has become synonymous with comfort food for me.  Roast that squash and it further transforms into amazing.  Put it with some sausage, greens and cream and you've got winter heaven in a bowl.  Honestly I don't need to eat this with anything else but it does go nicely with some pasta and would do well with rice or something like it as well.


Squash and Sausage Pasta Sauce
serves 6

3 cups butternut squash (or other winter squash), peeled, deseeded and cubed
1 cup onion
3 cloves garlic
1 1/2 cup mushrooms
3 cups curly Kale, diced
1 lb sausage, (I used Honey, Garlic) uncooked and thinly sliced
1 cup vegetable or chicken broth
1 1/2 - 2 cups cream
2 tbsp lemon juice
1 tsp paprika
1 1/2 tsp nutmeg
2 tsp salt
2 tsp italian seasoning
2 tbsp honey
4 - 5 cups rotini or penne pasta cooked to al dente, drained and set aside

Preheat oven to 375°F.
Line a baking sheet.  Toss the butternut squash in melted lard or olive oil.  Place on the baking sheet and roast for about 40 minutes (if it looks ready after 30 minutes in your oven take it out then).  Set aside.
Heat a large wok or dutch oven over medium heat.   Add 2 - 3 tbsp of lard or oil.  Add in the onion and cook for about 4 minutes.  Add in the sausage and garlic and cook together another 5 minutes.  Turn the heat down to med/low and add the mushrooms and kale.  Cook together for another 5 - 7 minutes (the kale should be fully wilted at that point).  Add in the roasted squash and mix.  Add in the paprika, nutmeg, salt, italian seasoning and honey.  Mix well.  Add in the broth, lemon juice and cream. Check the taste and adjust if necessary (I might add in a little heat for example).
At this point you can remove the sauce from the heat and add it to the pasta, mix well and serve OR plate the pasta and add the sauce over top on each plate.