I celebrated christmas again recently with my best friend.
It was February and we had not seen each other since December 14th.
We got about an hour and forty five minutes together.
We live about 15 minutes away from each other.
This is sad.
I totally understand it and then I kind of don't. We are busy. We are so busy. There is always something. Even meeting up with my best friend I squished it in between going to the running track and a family movie night (to be fair, it was family day weekend so what's a girl to do?) We work. We parent. We hustle home. Then there is winter. And I remember how the same thing happened last winter. We got a nasty ice storm just a couple of days before christmas and that set the tone for the entire 80 days to follow. Cold, icy, snow and more snow... and nobody wanted to do anything because it just felt so hard to get anywhere. You really do feel like hibernating. The bare essentials - get to work - get food - and that is it. This year the winter hasn't been quite as brutal but it hasn't exactly been easy. The cold has been relentless this year. This has taken it's toll.
Here we are looking down the barrel of March. The calendar has just as many events on it as it did throughout February, maybe even more. And yet something feels just a little bit different in my soul. I've noticed that night time is not chasing my back on the way home from work. I looked at the forecast for this week and it looks like we have a couple of days that are sitting right around the 0C mark. We've got a tidy little week off nestled in about two weeks before easter long weekend. If I had to put a word on that barrel that I'm looking down right now (the one for March - remember?) it would be 'Promise'. Promise is a funny word because it is not a definite. March might not bring me everything that I am hoping it can but at least there is the hope.
Back to our hour and forty five minutes christmas celebration. My best friends gift had been sitting, ready and waiting for months... except for this. Her cookies. These I made on the day that we met. I made sure that they were just cooled enough that I could put them into little freezer bags - 3 to a bag, the perfect portion amount - so that she could take them home and freeze away. She loves this kind of thing and I love doing it for her.


I can tell you that these come together easily and would be great for a party when they would all get scarfed up. I wouldn't bother with them if it was a dinner party thing and there were lots of other courses that could over shadow these little delicacies though - plus who wants to bake cracker cookies when you have a whole dinner party to get ready for? Serve these cookies with some Boursin, Blue Cheese (if that's your thing) or a spreadable something or other. As part of an appetizer or tasting party  - olives, grapes, cheeses, meats, spreads - Lovely.


Oat and Parmesan Cookies adapted from thekitchn

1 cup old fashioned oats (I used quick oats BTW and it was fine)
1/4 cup warm water
1/3 cup olive oil
1/4 cup brown sugar
1 lg eggs (or two egg whites if you've just made ice cream and you've got extra whites hanging around looking for something to do)
1 cup unbleached, all purpose flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp basil
1/4 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp paprika
pinch black pepper
1 cup parmesan cheese grated (if you happen to throw in a little cheddar by accident I wouldn't be too upset)
coarse salt (maldon or sea salt)

Preheat oven to 350°F
Line a baking sheet with parchment or a silicon liner.
Combine the flour, salt, basil, baking soda, paprika and pepper together. Mix well and set aside.
Combine the oats and warm water and mix well.
Add in the olive oil and brown sugar and mix thoroughly until the brown sugar has dissolved.
Add in the egg and mix well.
Add the flour mixture to the oat mixture and mix until combined.
Add in the parmesan cheese and mix to combine.
Form into balls of about 1 1/2 tbsp or so then squish down into a cookie shape. Place on the baking sheet (they don't spread very much so they can be within an inch of each other) topping each with a little bit of coarse salt (might need to press it in a little)
Bake for about 15 - 17 minutes turning half way through baking. Cookies should be just turning golden brown at the edges.
Cool completely.

It's interesting to note what inspires people and how inspiration and motivation can often be interpreted as one and the same thing.  Maybe they are the same thing.  In reality at least.  I think that adversity and/or the negative experiences we go through tend to inspire and motivate me more than the positive ones.  Sad but true.  I would venture to say that this is the case for more of us than we would care to admit.
The western world has been motivated to assemble in unity against terrorism and for freedom from censorship.  I had the odd experience of all of this outcry not quite sitting right with me.  Not being sure exactly why I felt odd about it, I started to let myself dwell on the situation and the issues that have arisen around the Paris incident.  Rolling it around, here is where my thoughts have gone up to now:
 - Is freedom from censorship the same thing as freedom of speech?
 - We talk about how powerful words are all of the time.  Our words affect people and can illicit a strong response - sometimes we can determine that outcome and sometimes we can't.  When does what we say become translated as hate?
 - We censor ourselves all of the time - every single day.  Journalists, artists, writers, researchers... you name it.  That censorship is based on the acceptable social norms currently in existence.  There are certain people groups and religious groups that I would never even consider writing negatively about.  However, that might not have been the case 75 short years ago.
 - No one should have to die for the things that those in the Charlie Hebdo offices died for.  Full stop.

I started to articulate what I was thinking to D.  I thought that maybe I was crazy to even be thinking this way.  Turns out that D, while not asking exactly the same questions, was definitely rolling things around as well.  He forwarded this article to me from The Intercept.  As I was reading it, I found myself feeling so thankful that I wasn't alone in feeling odd about this whole thing, I wasn't crazy either and that someone out there had managed to articulate their thoughts in a much more logical and concise way than I could have.  I'm not done stewing about this for sure but there are other things that are just as concerning... what about these guys?  Shall we march?


Look, cookies certainly are not at the top of the news food chain.  World crisis will not be widely affected by the baking of two more dozen cookies.  Still I make cookies.  Maybe I bake cookies for the same reason others watch reality tv or awards shows - for the record, I can't even force myself to sit through either one.  We do it to feel normal.  We do it because it helps us lose ourselves in something else.
Full disclosure:  I found that the cookies I made were a little too clementine overwhelmed.  The maple will be subtle no matter what (sometimes I wonder why I use maple syrup at all when I'm baking) but mine just turned into clementine cookies with a couple of weird bacon sprinkles on the top.  I have adjusted the amount of zest accordingly... feel free to add vanilla as well to round it out more.


Clementine, bacon and maple (?!) sugar cookies adapted from here
makes about 2 dozen

2 cups icing sugar
1 cup unsalted butter at room temperature
1 lg egg
1 tsp grated clementine or orange zest (no more than that!)
3 cups all purpose flour
1 1/2 tsp salt
dash of nutmeg
2 tbsp maple syrup

1 egg white
1 1/2 cups icing sugar
1 tsp maple syrup
3 strips bacon - cooked until very crisp, drained and broken into small pieces

Combine the flour, salt and nutmeg together and set aside.
In a large bowl combine the icing sugar and butter.  Beat together until creamy.
Add the egg and clementine zest and continue to beat until light and fluffy.
Continue to beat on low and slowly add the flour mixture.  Beat only until combined.
Divide the dough into two portions.  Roll each portion into 3 inch round logs.  Cover each in plastic wrap and refrigerate for about 12 hours.
Preheat oven to 370°F
Line a cookie sheet with parchment or a silicon liner.
Slice each log into 1/4 inch discs.  Place the discs on the lined cookie sheet leaving some room between each for spreading while baking.
Bake for about 7 - 8 minutes.
Remove cookies to a wire rack to cool.

Icing:
Beat together the egg white, icing sugar and maple syrup until creamy.
Pour about a tsp of icing on top of each cookie and immediately sprinkle with a little of the bacon (might want to press the bacon down just a little to wedge it into the icing)
Leave cookies for a while to let the icing get solid.

It's been a while... a long while.  I've had this recipe sitting unpublished for a long time.  Truth is that things just got really busy.  This sounds lame I realize but it's the truth.  Another truth is that my kids have been using the computer a lot and once they are done using the computer it's late (or it feels like it) and my brain has nothing left in it (sad face).  Also, I've been away on tour with the crazy school I work for.  It's a concert tour of course, so while I'm chaperoning half of the grade 9 class I am also the designated stage manager for all concerts... easy right?  Then there's that other thing where my kitchen is getting slowly ripped out.  This is a good thing of course but it takes a long time and it's messy and although I'm really excited about what it's going to look like once it's done, it hasn't added to my kitchen malaise.  This brings me to yet another truth - my kitchen malaise.


I don't know what to do.  I don't care about eating or cooking or baking.  I'm phoning it in.  Going through the motions.  Looking after the bare necessities.  Reality is though that I have not even the remotest interest in getting creative.  I am being driven by pure need and nothing else.  The only redeeming moment was when I finally and (hopefully) forever jumped over the hurdle that is 'Trinidad Pelau'.  I think that I've got it... and yes, I will share eventually.  It is totally worth sharing.
Here I am sitting in my ripped up house, trying to feel happy that it's spring (I think... I hope) finally, hearing about garlic scapes and stinging nettle and whatever else is popping up out of the newly thawed earth and none of it is doing anything for me.  Not peaking my interest in the slightest.


I am equal parts hand wringing and apathetic.
I haven't even made ice cream.  This should give you some idea as to how serious the problem is.
I'm sure that this all will pass.  It will.  Meanwhile, about a month ago the banana convention in the freezer started to get rowdy again and I had to drum up something to do with them.  The freezer party happened to coincide beautifully with a popcorn blitz that kid #1 was experiencing.  I remembered reading a recipe that combined both with chocolate and managed to gather enough energy and inspiration to throw this cookie recipe together.

Who can resist a face like this?  I will admit to being inspired by it just a little.

Banana, Oatmeal, Chocolate Chunk, Popcorn Cookies adapted from 'Supernatural Everyday'
makes about 2 1/2 doz medium sized cookies

1 1/2 cups oats
1 1/2 cups unbleached, all purpose flour
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
3/4 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp salt

3 overripe bananas
1/4 cup unsalted butter at room temperature
1 egg
3/4 cups sugar
1 tbsp vanilla

1 cup chocolate chunks (dark chocolate - about 70% cocoa solids)
2 cups (approx) popped corn

Combine the oats, flour, baking powder, cinnamon and salt together.  Mix well and set aside.
Preheat the oven to 350°F.
Line a cookie sheet with parchment or a silicon liner.
Mix together (I used a hand mixer) the bananas and butter for about 1 minute or until the butter is completely combined with the banana.  Add in the egg and sugar and continue to mix until completely combined.  Add the vanilla and stir to mix.
Add the oat/flour mixture and mix together by hand until completely incorporated together.
Add in the chocolate and mix well.
Gently fold in the popcorn little by little until the batter can't take any more.
Drop onto the prepared cookie sheet in about 2 tbsp heaps leaving about 1 1/2 inches in between each mound.
Bake for about 14 minutes or until the cookies are turning golden at the edges.
Cool and store in an airtight container.

This winter has kicked my butt.  Like kicked it clear across the province or maybe even the country.  It's kicked me to the curb.  It's slapped me up one side of the head and down the other.  I think you get the idea.
As I claw my way through the last of it, still afraid to dwell on how it might end some day, it seems hard to remember that warm used to be a thing that described more than just huge sweaters and crazy thick socks.  It feels like I'm drowning in an ocean of clothing and I haven't seen my body in months.
Right now I am sitting in front of the computer in multiple layers and the thickest socks I could find... and slippers.  Fortunately, I am on March break at the moment which means that I can at the very least be sitting in front of the computer covered in so many layers that my arms can barely move in the middle of the day with the sun shining instead of 5:30pm in the dark (well not quite dark, I exaggerate just a little).
Before the break, I was about to run out and grab a coffee when I bumped into a colleague.  My colleague invited me to grab a coffee offered at a major fast food chain that was being offered for free that week.  Ummm Nope.  My colleague berated me for refusing the offer and accused me of being a coffee snob.  I decided that I'm ok with being a coffee snob and it drove home a thought that I've been mulling for a while now.
We are obsessed with wanting.  We want _________  (fill in the blank).  It's bred in us, male and female, from a young age.  We are constantly told what we want.  Every ad, every newspaper, magazine, website whatever, billboard tells us what it is we want.  Obviously, very few of us truly NEED anything.  What would happen if we all decided that we would only purchase what we needed as opposed to what we wanted?  Yikes - disaster.  My real problem with this wanting thing is that it's often indiscriminate.  I want chocolate.  Any chocolate will do as long as I can get chocolate... or just candy... or maybe just some form of sugar.  I want clothes so I will go to the mall and get some.  I don't need anything specific but I want clothes.  In fact, I just want.  I've decided that I'm ok with being picky and if that makes me a snob then I'm ok with that too.  I don't just want a coffee, any coffee, thank you very much.  If I can't have my own home ground, delicious coffee then there are only two places that I will ever get coffee from and if I can't get that coffee then I will skip coffee.  If I can't get the specific kind of chocolate that I am craving then I won't just buy anything to fill the void.  I will skip it altogether.  I know what I like, I know what I want and I know what I need... I don't care if that fast food chain is offering free coffee to me for the rest of my life.


Of course, this has nothing to do with these cookies.  I'm ok with that too.  I didn't eat any of these cookies unfortunately but my kids did.  They ate a lot.  I took a good solid dozen and a half to our friends place and still had plenty (about two dozen) leftover for home.  I don't know if you'll get that much out of this recipe, maybe my cookies were just exceptionally small.   They looked good, made a nice host gift and made my kids happy for a good few days.
Trust me, you WANT these cookies.


Triple Chocolate Oatmeal Cookies adapted from Kitchen Treaty
makes about 3 dozen med/small cookies

1/2 cup unsalted butter at room temperature
1 cup brown sugar
1 lg egg
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup all purpose flour
1/3 cup cocoa powder (I used dark 'Cocoa Camino')
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp espresso powder
1 1/2 cups rolled oats
1 cup dark chocolate chunks or chips
1/3 cup white chocolate chips

Combine the flour, cocoa powder, salt, baking soda and espresso powder together and set aside.
Preheat the oven to 350° F
Line a cookie sheet with parchment or a silicon liner and set aside.
Mix together (I used a hand mixer) the butter and sugar until light and fluffy (about 2 1/2 minutes).  Add in the egg and vanilla and mix for another minute.
Gently add the flour mixture to the egg mixture and mix until combined.
Add the rolled oats and stir together until well mixed.
Add in both the white and dark chocolate and mix until evenly distributed.
Spoon onto the prepared cookie sheet using about 1 1/2 tbsp of cookie dough.  Leave a little room for the cookies to spread.
Bake for about 10 minutes or just until the outer edge of the cookies are beginning to brown but the middle is still kind of gooey.
Gently remove the cookies to a cooling rack.

True Story:
I had a small epiphany at work the other day.  It was a personal epiphany as opposed to a work related epiphany.  I'm not even sure that's a thing.  Sometimes I think about things other than work while at work... it's a bad habit and I'm working on it.  So, I have a colleague who loves to come to my office about 10 minutes before I'm planning to leave.  He comes in, plops himself down and sets in for a nice ole chat.  Since he's probably the sweetest person on the planet, I tell myself that it's ok.  Even though I'm super busy trying to wrap things up and get out the door so that I can pick my kid up from school.  It's ok - keep chatting.  Tell me more... I'm changing my shoes under my desk where he won't see.  I'm trying really hard not to check my phone every 15 seconds to see what the time is.  I'm working even harder to quell the rising tide of panic in my chest.  I smile back at him but I'm only thinking about how to slow down my breathing.  When he finally makes his way back to his own office, I wait to hear his door close and then bolt.  Bolt to the subway station.  It's not until I'm on the train that I finally feel calmness restored.
In speaking to another colleague about it, how conflicted I feel because he's so sweet and how weird I feel inside when it's happening, I realized something kinda cool.  When I was a kid I took skating lessons.  I loved skating and still do.  I only stopped skating lessons because when I was about ten the demands just got too intense and none of us (Mom and Dad and me) were willing to commit the kind of time and effort that it demanded.  When I started doing lessons I was about seven - still have the super cute pictures of me in my little skating suit with the top hat for my first end of year skating show.  My skating class was at a time when the zamboni was scheduled to come on after and clear the ice - or maybe the zamboni does it's thing after every class... whatever.  It was coming on.  So even though my skating class was clear across the rink, far away from the exit off the ice and my teacher was still talking and/or showing us some super cool move once I sensed movement from behind the zamboni gates I was moving.  Can't explain it really.  I wanted to yell that it was time to end, tell everybody to start getting themselves off the ice - yep, the gates are opening now, he's ready and he's coming - why is the teacher still talking - we have to go - he's started the engine now and my teacher is still telling us about our ankles(!) - ok that's it... and Wanda is backwards skating away from her class, across the rink, towards the exit.  Wanda's teacher is calling her back but she ignores it because she is getting away from that zamboni damn it.  You all can stay but I'm leaving... Wanda out.  Panic.  I was having an anxiety attack at seven.  Almost everyday at work at about the same time I have a little mini I-have-to-get-out-of-here-now anxiety attack.
And now I know.


The moral of this story is: When experiencing daily anxiety attacks (or not) it helps to make cookies. You can eat them if you choose but you don't have to (I usually don't).

BTW - this song is haunting me.



Peanut Butter, Chocolate and Sugar Cookies adapted from 'Averie Cooks'
makes about 2 dozen med/small cookies

1 cup peanut butter
3/4 cup brown sugar
1 lg egg
1 tbsp vanilla
1 tsp baking soda
4 oz dark chocolate chunks
2 oz milk chocolate chunks

Line a cookie sheet with a silicon liner or parchment and set aside.
Preheat oven to 350°F.
In a large bowl mix together the peanut butter, brown sugar, egg and vanilla until light and fluffy and no longer grainy.  I used a hand mixer for about two minutes but be careful not to over beat because then the oil will start to separate from the peanut butter... gross - not the end of the world as it won't ruin the recipe, it's just oily.
Once mixed until light and fluffy then fold in the chocolate until reasonably mixed (there should be lots of chocolate)
Spoon about 1 1/2 tbsp full into your hand and form a ball.
Place balls on cookie sheet, leaving a little space between each.
Bake for about 8 minutes or until the cookie edges are just beginning to brown.
Remove cookies carefully (they'll be gooey) and cool on wire racks.

I hope that you've had a wonderful Christmas if you celebrate that.  I hope that you've had a wonderful rest otherwise.  My rest is truly beginning now that all of the Christmas obligations are done.  Christmas itself was wonderful - lots of food, lots of laughs, lots of family.  Exactly what it should be I guess.  The kids are happy, we haven't had any returns to make, we had power outside of the 36 hrs that we didn't and in general we are thankful and content.  My uniform for the next week will be yoga pants and tee shirt - when I choose to change out of my pj's.
I made my traditional 'Cappuccino Flats' for the holidays which we hoard selfishly as a family because they are amazing.  I decided to make peanut butter balls with rice crispies, icing sugar and chocolate... nasty.  Nobody wanted to eat them.  Totally disgusting.  They are going in the bin and I won't be sorry about it.


Then I made these cookies.  I made them really because they are the only thing that I remember my Grandma making.  Well, she also made christmas pudding.  I can't tell you exactly what it was because I never ate it.  As a kid it sounded disgusting.  It was brown, it was steamed, it had carrot in it.  Probably contained dates and molasses too.  Either way, as a kid not even caramel sauce could entice me to eat it.  So I didn't ever eat any of it.  The honest truth is that I never ate these cookies either.  Maybe a couple.  They weren't my favourite because they didn't contain chocolate.  I don't know why kids are so hooked on chocolate.  It's weird.  I'm sure that if only she had thrown in 3 tbsp of cocoa powder I would have downed them like there was no tomorrow.  So I had a few cookies and left the rest to my brother and sister to eat.  Each year my Grandma made them.  Always at Christmas.  Sometimes she used green cherries and sometimes red - sometimes both.  They look 'festive'


So after making these cookies in honour of my Grandma and just because I felt nostalgic, I realized that I had no interest in eating them.  Seems that I'm a stickler for tradition after all.  This left me relying on the other three people living in the house. D? Nope.  He's about as interested in sweets as I am.  The kids?... ummm, where's the chocolate?  Not touching them.  I should have known.  Fortunately, I was able to take them to our Christmas dinners (we did have more than one).
As a result, I can't tell you whether the cookies taste good but they sure do look festive.


Shortbread Cookies with Cherries and Pecans adapted from my Grandma and Kuntal's Kitchen
makes about 2 dozen medium sized cookies

1 cup unsalted butter at room temperature
1/2 cup icing sugar
2 cups unbleached, all purpose flour
3/4 tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla
3/4 cup maraschino cherries, quartered
1/2 cup toasted pecans, coarsely chopped

Combine the flour and salt and set aside.
In a large bowl beat or mix the butter and icing sugar until light and fluffy (I used a hand mixer here).  Add the vanilla and mix until well combined.
By hand, add the flour mixture and mix until fully incorporated.
Add the cherries and pecans and mix.
Form two logs (about 3 inches round each) cover each log with plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least an hour or overnight.
Preheat oven to 350°F
Line a cookie sheet with parchment or a silicon liner
Remove the logs from the fridge.
Slice one log into about 12 cookie rounds and place on the cookie sheet - leave a little space for them to spread.
Bake for about 10 minutes or until the edges are just barely turning brown.
Remove and cool on a wire rack.

It's officially winter and two weeks away from Christmas.  Two out of three December birthdays have passed and I have a total of 5 events left until I can breath a sigh of relief.  I've 'stretched' myself in new directions at work more than I ever thought I could.  I'm still biking and running out there in the cold (but I won't tell you I like it) and generally keeping active.  My kids are happy and doing well.  I should be contented and happy about all of this and I suppose that somewhere deep down I really am.  The problem is, I haven't been able to take it all in yet.  At least that's how it feels.  The pace just hasn't let up enough for me to absorb it.
Happily, the pace did not prevent me from making chocolate mousse cake for D's birthday.  Add to that the sweet and sour meatballs meal that was requested (we do that for birthdays - favourite meal kinda thing)  It also did not keep us from ordering a lovely flower arrangement for my Mom's birthday... but that was thanks to D.  In fact, D is doing a lot of things right now while I learn how to stage manage concerts and organize events and get Cantors ready for Christmas Masses.  D is getting the tree (and possibly trimming it).  D has ordered the Ham (and will probably be picking it up too).  D has organized our Christmas Day family get together.  Guess who's going to be doing the bulk of the christmas shopping?  If it weren't for D then I would be treeless, presentless, hamless mess on December 20th.  As we slowly approach the 20th, I try not to dwell too much on how awesome that first sleep in and morning coffee is going to feel because then I get more depressed.
One of the things that I'm looking forward to most is being able to take a day or two (or four) and bake.  I don't want to eat the baking.  Couldn't care less - I just want to bake and for some reason the thought of baking cookies holds the most anticipation.  I can't wait to make my traditional christmas cookies and this year I want to add my Grandmother's shortbread to the list.  I want to have the ingredients surrounding me and be stirring and mixing and breaking eggs.  I want to feel the warmth of the oven and hear the comforting tick of the timer.  I want to see all of those cookies piled up into containers and enjoy how lovely they all look together.

Just a part of the cookie carnage.

I made these cookies in a one hour window on a Sunday afternoon where I had both time and light on my side.  Barely though and in my haste to get a photo of the cookies I dumped a few on the floor... it happens.  These will be a lovely addition to anyone's christmas cookie party and I might even make them again before the year is out.  However, I will make sure that when I carry them out to take pictures that I walk carefully.  Also, kids will eat molasses cookies when you put white chocolate in them.  FYI.


Molasses and White Chocolate Cookies adapted (slightly) from Peabody
makes about 3 dozen med/small cookies

2 cups unbleached, all purpose flour
1 cup oats (old fashioned)
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
2 tsp ginger (I used fresh but ground is fine)
1 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp nutmeg
pinch of cloves
3/4 cup unsalted butter at room temperature
3/4 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup molasses
1 lg egg
1 tsp vanilla
1 cup (scant) white chocolate chips
1/4 cup sugar - the coarser the better (mix with a little cinnamon)

Combine the flour, oats, baking soda, salt, ginger, cinnamon, nutmeg and cloves together.  Mix and set aside.
Beat together the butter and brown sugar for about 3 - 4 minutes or until light and fluffy.  Add the molasses and continue to beat for another 2 minutes.  Add the egg and vanilla and beat until combined (about 1 1/2 minutes)
Add the flour mixture to the molasses mixture and stir/mix to combine completely.  Add in the white chocolate chips and mix evenly.  Cover completely with plastic wrap and refrigerate for about 4 hours (or overnight)
Preheat the oven to 350°F
Line a cookie sheet with parchment or a silicon liner.
Scoop spoonfuls (I used about a tbsp and a half) of dough onto the cookie sheet.  Press each cookie down a little and sprinkle with the cinnamon sugar
Bake for about 10 minutes - cookies may be a little softish in the centre but the edges should be just turning brown.
Remove and cool.
Store in a airtight container.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and make a difficult confession.
I am not a fan of pumpkin.
I know.  I know.  I should be a fan of pumpkin.  It's absolutely unseasonal of me.  But seriously though, am I the only person who feels almost overwhelmed and definitely inundated with pumpkin recipes.  They are everywhere and everything.  Every time I check pinterest it feels like half of the recipes jumping out at me are pumpkin something or other.  Every cooking/baking blog is chock full of pumpkin this and that.  From bread to brownies, it's pumpkin coming at me.  There is literally a pumpkin version of just about everything.  I'm waiting for pumpkin toothpaste to make an appearance.  What am I thinking, it's probably already out there.
I haven't ever analyzed why I'm not a fan of pumpkin so much.  It's not necessarily unappealing to me I guess.  I absolutely don't crave it however.  Other than pumpkin pie I can't remember anything being made with pumpkin when I was a kid.  I guess you just didn't do it.  There was no Pinterest to give us all of these crazy pumpkin recipes after all.  We just ate oreo's and cheezeez instead.  And lots and lots of chocolate chip cookies.  Not pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.  It doesn't smell like a sweet dessert thing to me either.  When I cook pumpkin (almost never) I don't immediate think 'cake' when I look at it mashed or smell it.  How it ever made it's way into a bowl of sugar and got dumped into a pie crust I'll never know.  Having said all of that, I may well chow down on a slice of pumpkin bread if someone offered it to me and a pumpkin muffin might go nicely with a morning coffee.  But so would a lot of other things.
While I'm not out there dumping pumpkin into my latte's (or any other flavoured-with-anything-other-than-coffee coffee for that matter), I do use a lot of fruit and whatever in my baking... when I bake.  Let's be clear, unless it contains chocolate in some clearly visible form it won't get eaten.  Yes, there are lots of things that get made in our kitchen but not eaten (at least in their entirety).  Recently, Kid #2 begged that I make some cookies, 'and not the healthy kind' he added.  By healthy he means with anything other than chocolate, white flour or chocolate chips.  After 7 months, give or take, of almost no baking and definitely precious little of the chocolate-chocolate chip-white flour variety, I decided that everybody was likely due a little treat.  These cookies are me obliging the request.  Kid #2 shared a few cookies with a friend from school who came over for a play date.  He told his friend that they were the best cookies in the world... and they are already gone.


Eaten.
Done.


No pumpkin added.


Chocolate Decadence Cookies adapted from 'Chewy Gooey Crispy Crunchy' Alice Medrich

Getting away from 'life' for a couple of weeks can be a good thing.  As with all good things, too much of it can be a bad thing.  Two weeks is just about right when it comes to a good thing.  One of the many good things that happened was that I didn't worry about home once.  Not once.
It could be argued that I compartmentalize way too much and/or simply shut down too easily.  That could be true.
You might guess that not being concerned about how things are going at home is just negligent and selfish.
You might even wonder just how any parent could be so callous.
The truth is that I completely trust D and Kid #1 and 2.  Absolutely and inherently.  Entirely and deeply.  I never doubted for a moment that everyone would be quite all right there without me.  And I was exactly right.  They were fine.  They were more than fine in fact.  I think that they might have even done better without me around than with.  The truth is that sometimes two parent households can get really complicated.
It's something I experience every time D goes away for any length of time.  You find yourself getting into a routine where you are totally in charge of the schedule and how things go.  You know that it's all resting on you and so you tackle it with vigour and get it figured out.  If things need to be accommodated then you get in there and do it.  You know that you are the only one who is going to do it.  Once the other parent gets involved things become a multiple juggling game.  Now we have to figure things out individually and together.  Another layer of complication/schedule has been added to the 'stuff' pile.  I think that me being the person leaving this time around has been good all around.
When I got back D told me that things went so well he would like it if I backed away from things a little and gave him more room to be involved.  Now that is cool.  Super cool.  And really hard because being a superMom gets hammered into our brains from an early age as does the belief that men can't really do domestic anything.  So it means that I need to let go.  It means that I need to let things fall apart a little.  It means that I need to allow myself to have a social life and get out there more.  It's scary but I'm working on it.  The very next night I stayed at work and went out with a colleague for a drink.
I know that it's going to take some time to iron out the kinks.  I know that things won't go smoothly and that we'll have to hash out exactly what a new role means for me and for D but I'm glad that we're doing it.  I'm glad that we're not just taking it for granted that things are ok when they stay the same.    I'm glad that I've got some after work drinking time.


There is absolutely no tie in with these cookies.  None.  No matter what my role is or turns into I will always be making stuff like this.  Baking is important (even when your sweet tooth is all but non-existent... still), baking is boss and these cookies were fantastic.


Chocolate Cookies with Roasted Cherries and White Chocolate Chips adapted from Martha Stewart
makes about 2 1/2 doz medium sized cookies

1 cup flour
1/2 cup cocoa powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 cup unsalted butter
4 oz chocolate (I used about 55%)
2 eggs
1 1/2 cups sugar
1 cup cherries, roasted
1 cup white chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350°F
Line a cookie sheet with parchment or a silicon liner and set aside.
Combine the flour, cocoa powder, salt and baking powder together.  Set aside.
Using a double boiler (or just set a stainless steel bowl over a pot of lightly simmering water - don't let the bowl touch the water) melt together the chocolate and the butter.  Set aside to cool a little.
Whisk together (or use a mixer) the chocolate mixture with the eggs and sugar until it's lightly and almost fluffy.
Add in the flour mixture and continue to whisk (or mixer) just until everything is combined.
Add in the white chocolate chips and mix well.
Gently fold in the cherries.
Drop a 1 - 2 tbsp amount of dough onto the baking sheet until it's full.
Bake for about 12 minutes or until just beginning to crack on the top.
Remove from oven and carefully remove from pan to cool on a rack.

To roast the cherries:
Preheat oven to 325°F.
Place cherries on a baking sheet and drizzle with 1 - 2 tbsp of vanilla or rum.
Roast for about 20 - 25 minutes or until the cherries are nicely darkened but not burnt or crispy.
Remove the cherries and cool.

Ladies and Gentleman:  As I told you at the beginning of this week, we would not hold you any longer than necessary.  I have some good news for you all.  We do not require your services for Valentine's Day.  Nor will we be needing your services on Friday.  Ladies and Gentleman, Thank you so much - Your Jury Duty services at this court are officially finished. 

That was probably the best paragraph that I've heard since, oh I don't know... maybe 'Will you marry me?' or 'It's a girl' or 'It's a boy'.  Ok seriously.  Not as good as those sentences but almost as good.  Yes all you kind and gentle folk, I have finished jury duty.  And what a saga it was.  I nearly got to the serious selection interview on Monday but dodged that bullet by two people.  On Tuesday we had a fire alarm which meant that a good portion of the morning was spent outside (did I mention that I live in Toronto... CANADA.  It's not especially balmy this time of year) because once we were allowed back into the building we all had to go through security again.  All 300 or so of us.  Today we had a repeat performance of the fire alarm so you can guess how my morning went.  Combine that with a last minute choir needed on Tuesday and then Ash Wednesday services today, it's been a crazy time.
I was so relieved that it was all over that I treated myself to a mini-cupcake from this bakery and whatever else you do in life DO NOT check the calorie count on these bad boys because that's just a frustrating way to live your life.  I meant to get a picture of my mini's but I didn't because I ate them.

In other news, my school is going to Rome.  This is a big deal because it's our 75th anniversary and it's ROME.  We're singing for the Pope... wait, what... hold the phone.  As of the end of February guess what... we have no Pope.  He stepped down.  Now historically men usually die in the post, either of natural causes or... hmmm, unnatural.  The last time a Pope stepped down the Pope elected after him put him in a dungeon until he died.  That puts us squarely back to the death thing again.  We've been assured that a new Pope will be in place by Easter, (and that our present Pope will not be spending any time in a dungeon) ensuring that we will be the first to perform for him. So essentially what was originally deemed a disaster has transformed into possibly the best thing for our school in 75 years.  Silver Lining.
In yet other news, tomorrow is Valentines day and if you know me either in person or through this blog then you know that I don't give a S*^%.  I'm not anti-valentine's day or anything, I just don't care.  I have not spent my spare time making heart shaped anything.  I have not bought a card for anyone.  I will not be going out for dinner tomorrow evening (blech - the worst night of the year) but if I was offered a bottle of Veuve then I wouldn't refuse (who would).  I won't be giving or receiving any chocolates or baubles of any kind and nothing either pink or red will be worn by me.  Not because I hate it but because I don't care.


I made ginger cookies... boring, I know.  With whole wheat flour... ahh - even more boring.  I put white chocolate in them... ok, less boring.  But they were really really really good.  The catch that I'm finding with using whole wheat flour is that things don't last as long.  You'll get a couple of days out of these and then they're done.  They get pretty hard but not hard enough that they can't be hammered to pieces and sprinkled on vanilla ice cream.  Silver Lining.


Red Fife Ginger Cookies with White Chocolate Chunks adapted from 'Good to the Grain'
makes about 3 dozen

1 cup unbleached, all purpose flour
1 cup whole wheat (I used Red Fife) flour
2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 tsp ginger
3/4 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp cloves
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1/2 cup butter, melted
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup unsulphured molasses
1 egg
2 tbsp ginger, freshly grated
6 oz white chocolate coarsely chopped
1/2 cup (or so) coarse sugar for coating

Combine both flours, baking soda, salt, ginger, cinnamon, cloves and nutmeg together.  Mix and set aside.
Combine the melted butter, both sugars, molasses, egg and grated ginger together.  Whisk to mix well.  Add the flour mixture.  Mix until it forms a batter.  Add in the white chocolate.  Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least two hours and up to 24.
Preheat the oven to 350°F.
Line a cookie sheet with parchment or a silicon liner.
Pour the coarse sugar (I use fairly course white sugar anyway so I just used what I had) into a bowl.
Using about 1 1/2 tbsp of dough + Chocolate Chunk and form into a ball and roll the ball through the sugar until it's coated.
Place the cookie balls on the cookie sheet.  Bake for about 10 - 12 minutes for soft cookies (14 minutes for crunchier cookies) - turning about halfway.
Cool on a rack before digging in.

It's Tuesday people, we can do this. Despite it feeling like it must be the longest week of the year. Despite feeling like winter is probably going to last forever. Even though you're pretty sure that you might never see a real, on the vine tomato ever again. We can do this. We're gonna own this week.  
I've determined, after a week of near anxiety attacks and endless frustration, to remain as 'up' as humanly possible while acknowledging the the end of january/early february time of year is about as hard as it gets.  It took drinks with my best friend (not quite enough drinks but it was a start) and over 12 straight hours cocooned in my bed to get myself back in working condition. 


Once I got myself straightened out I was able to focus. I caught up with some of my favourite blogs.  Chicken Tender is one of those blogs that just makes my day.  I love the sincerity of the struggle and the honesty in the journey.  Chandelle posted one of those 'Friday Links'  craziness, kinda things and I've been thoroughly engrossed in taking it all in.  I always love her links but this whole post in particular struck some chords.  For example, the 'I'm a Mom and I'm stoned right now' was absolutely hilarious.  I don't read Jezebel enough and it was good to get that reminder.  There was another article linked about diet and how our 'low fat/calories in vs. calories out diet craze over the last 30 years has successfully distracted women from fully accepting and appreciating themselves and everyone around them.  Then there was another article linked which was written by a writer I love but have to read in careful portions because otherwise I want to kill myself.  It seems that Chandelle feels the same way... *sigh of relief* it's so good to feel like you're not alone.  Seriously, catching those links was better than reading the newspaper for me.  It's almost like you can hear the birds singing again... hope and lightness.
I also checked out one of my favourite tattoo artists.  I wish that I lived closer to Portland so that I could get some of her work.  She's always adding cool new pictures and making me want to do this tattoo thing all over again.  You can feel some of the snow melting around you.  
Both Monday and today I forced myself back on my bike and rode to work.  Damn it was cold but I felt human and free.  The sun shone a little brighter (well, I'm sure that it did behind the clouds somewhere).  


Then I made cookies.  Chocolate Chip Cookies.  Because when you are feeling like you at the end of everything that is good and right in the world, chocolate chip cookies are what you need.  Maybe it's the chocolate.  Maybe it's the sugar.  I don't know and right now I don't care.  I only eat.  I made these with a goodly portion of red fife flour and they were great.  I'm using the past tense because they're gone already.  And rightly so.  They won't last long with whole wheat flour so if you know you can eat them all then throw some in a freezer bag for later or make the dough balls and freeze them before baking so that you can pull them out and change your February into May anytime you like.  Take that in the face, Tuesday.  

Kid #2: The Self Portrait #2

Whole Wheat, Chocolate Chip Cookies adapted from 'Good to the Grain'
makes about 3 dozen medium sized cookies

2 cups whole wheat or red fife flour
1 cup unbleached, all purpose flour
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp instant espresso powder (could be added to the wet mix too)
1/2 tsp cinnamon

1 cup unsalted butter at room temperature
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
2 tsp vanilla OR scrap out the seeds from one vanilla bean
6 oz dark or bittersweet chocolate, coarsely chopped
2 oz cocoa nibs OR just use more dark chocolate

Preheat oven to 350°F.
Line a cookie sheet with parchment or a silicon liner and set aside.

Combine both flours, baking powder, baking soda, salt, espresso powder and cinnamon together in a bowl.  Mix and set aside.
In another bowl beat together the butter and both sugars until light and fluffy (you can use a hand or stand mixer for this).  Gradually add the eggs one at a time mixing completely after each one.  Add in the vanilla or vanilla bean and continue to mix.
Slowly add the flour to the butter mixture - if using a mixer do it slowly so that the flour doesn't fly everywhere - and mix well until all the flour is mixed completely with the butter mixture.  Add in the chocolate and the cocoa nibs and stir to mix.
Use about 1 1/2 tbsp of cookie dough and form into a ball.  Place on the prepared cookie sheet and make sure there is a little room for the cookies to spread.
Bake for about 12 minutes (in my oven - the recipe called for about 16 min. so I would check after about 12 and if they need longer then go from there.  I totally lost one whole try of cookies because they burned on the bottom - sad face)
Remove the cookies from the cookie sheet and cool on a wire rack.  Store in an airtight container.

There are times in your life when you just need chocolate.
(Disclaimer: Some serious self-congratulation is about to ensue)
Today was one of those days.  In fact, the whole weekend was 'one of those days'.  It started on Saturday.  Kid #1 was having a birthday party (her birthday is at the very end of December - like the 31st of - which is not a good day to celebrate anything other than the end of one year and the beginning of another) with 3 friends.  They were coming over to take over the main floor of our house - watch movies, make pizza and have some space to themselves.  That's all good.  I made sure that before anyone arrived I had finished my workout for the day, gotten breakfast done with, made pizza dough, gotten the tomato sauce ready and had the house in order.  D, Kid #2 and I then made a quick getaway out of the house until the early evening.


Today I was having some serious cravings for a house all to myself.  A place to curl up and read or look outside and think, to experience some quiet and calm.  What I got was making fresh waffles for the girls (one of the party attendees slept over) and kid #2.  Making bread (recipe to follow very soon). Have 3 kids play nerf gun through my house.  Getting a run in (8k today, thank jeebus for sunshine and bearable temperatures) and then... going to have a leisurely and quiet lunch with KT... oops scratch that... dealing with Kid #1 who is getting frantic because her afternoon mall date with a friend is not happening.  Wait, she's not sure because they talked about it last Monday and it was happening.  Wait, I'm sure she'll be here any second.  Wait - Ahhhhh, WHY ISN'T SHE HERE.  Wait.  I don't have her phone number because we only email.  WHY DOESN'T SHE EMAIL ME BACK.
So what happened is I ran out the door stuff two still slightly warm cookies into my mouth just for the endorphin rush.  I arrived at my lunch late and frustrated (thank you for my long suffering best friend who takes me at my worst).  Was joined about 1 hr later by Kid #1 so that she and I could wander around the mall together.  I love my kid immensely but I have to admit that my idea of quality time with her does not consist of wandering around a store, let alone a store that calls itself 'Forever21'.  Because my kid got stood up, I decided to be the adult and help her feel better.  It worked for her but I came home feeling slightly nauseous, very tired and entirely frustrated.  The worst part is that I didn't even get to fully enjoy those two, still warm, cookies.  These cookies deserve to be savoured and not stuffed down your gullet so that you can get a quick 'happy' rush.  So with an evening tea I decided to enjoy two more of those cookies.  I savoured and closed my eyes and pretended that the house was mine.  I pretended that if I opened my eyes that the toy area would tranform into a lovely office space and that if I so desired, I could lie down on my couch and watch a movie of MY choosing.  The cookies helped me go there.


If you've ever wondered if whole wheat and chocolate might work in a cookie together, wonder no more.  They do.  This cookie had none of the 'granola' feel that I would have expected from something whole wheat.  I would highly recommend the cocoa nibs.  I ordered mine online a couple of years ago and this is the first recipe where they've gotten some use.  They do add something tangible here.
Here's to long suffering best friends who walk around a mall with you even when it's the last thing they want to do too.  Here's to knowing that maybe the next weekend will be a little more 'Wanda-friendly'.  And... Here's to some serious chocolate cookies to help get you to next Friday.


Whole Wheat, Chocolate, Chocolate Chip Cookies adapted from 'Good to the Grain'
makes about 5 dozen medium/small sized cookies

1 cup unsalted butter
8 oz dark chocolate (about 70% cocoa solids), chopped
4 eggs
2 cups sugar
1 1/2 cups Red Fife or Whole Wheat flour
1/2 cup unbleached all purpose flour
1tbsp + 1 tsp baking powder
1 1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp espresso powder
1/4 tsp cinnamon
8 oz dark chocolate, coarsely chopped or in chunks (or chips, or whatever - it doesn't really matter at this point)
Optional: Cocoa Nibs

Melt the butter and chopped dark chocolate together in the top of a double boiler over just simmering water.  Once melted and mixed together, remove from the double boiler and set aside to cool a little (about 10 minutes is what I did with mine - just cooled enough that the eggs won't cook once they're added).
Combine the flours, baking powder, salt, espresso powder and cinnamon together and set aside.
Using a mixer or by hand beat together the eggs and the sugar until they're light and frothy - like you want to whip them.  Continue whipping for about 3 minutes (or more if you are doing it by hand).  Scrape all, All, ALL of the melted chocolate mixture into the sugar and continue whipping until combined.
Add the flour mixture to the chocolate mixture and mix well until combined.
Add the dark chocolate chunks or chips and mix well.
Refrigerate for at least 2 hrs and up to 3 days.
Preheat oven to 350°F and line a cookie sheet with parchment or a silicon liner.
Scoop about 2 tbsp's worth of dough out and form into a ball.  Dip the top of the ball in the cocoa nibs (optional) and place on the cookie sheet.
Bake for about 16 - 20 minutes depending on your oven and your cookie preferences.  (I went for 16 or so because I wanted gooey cookies so a little undercooked in the middle was fine with me)