I'm all in.  It's been one week.  I am 1/6th through and I'm all in - I've bought the farm so to speak.  Jumped into the deep end.  I've decided to stop thinking about how hard it will be and just do it.  However, that gets difficult when there is no beer at home to dull the senses.  I've learned my lesson and am working to correct the situation.

A friend put some comic thing from bitstrips on FB about me.  I hate bitstrips.  I don't feel the need to be in my own personal comic strip.  I don't find them entertaining.  In this case, it's fine.  I swallowed my hate.  I smiled.  I left a nice, if slightly strange, comment and have moved on.  I love my friend.  She's a real friend and not just a FB friend.

Our Mayor is still the Mayor which is weird because nothing else seems to be happening in this city but figuring out what to do with the Mayor.  I wish that we all got this upset about his governing (or lack thereof) and not just the crack smoking, constant inebriation, domestic issues and alleged criminal connections - although all of those things add up to quite an impressive resume to discuss.  All of this has come out over the last two weeks.  Imagine where we'll be by the end of November.  I was going to link you all to some Rob Ford article or other but there are so many.  Just google him and you can check out all of the tawdry details yourself.

I am conducting one of our choirs at Mass tomorrow.  I don't really know what I'm doing.  I'm not really a conductor.  I fake it.  The boys do this every Sunday from September through June.  They know what to do.  If I forget to tell them to stand it's ok - they remember and do it themselves.  If I forget which way the go to line up for the Eucharist, it's ok - they line up on their own.  Tomorrow happens to be the one Sunday when we are being taped by a tv station.  The Sunday I am subbing and trying not to look like I don't know what I'm doing.  Oh.

I forget that this time of year sucks.  I forget that it's really hard to get out of bed.  I totally forget that I always feel like I can't move out into that dark space outside of my door past 7pm.  I went for a long run today and remembered that when I don't run it's ten times worse.  Biking is great.  Biking gets me to work and it helps me feel like I've accomplished something good.  However, running is my happy drug.  Especially in the winter.  There is no replacement for it and I need it like I need medication.  I cannot go for five days without my medication.  I started to feel like a human being again.


This recipe leaves me with one 3 lb bag of turkey left in my freezer.  I will pull that bag out week after next.  I don't yet know what I will do with that turkey.  The second to last bag in the freezer turned into Turkey Paprikash - which turned out well and I wish that I had written the recipe down so that I could share it - and this orzo thing with butternut squash.  I guess the Paprikash thing really makes this 'Leftover Turkey #6'  The squash really needs to be roasted.  It just does.  The recipe is tasty and although it didn't get gobbled, it did get mostly eaten entirely.  A month of turkey later that is saying something.



Turkey and Roasted Butternut Squash Orzo
serves 6

1 med butternut squash, peeled and cut into 1 inch chunks
4 tbsp oil or grease
1 small onion, sliced thin
2 1/2 cups leftover turkey or chicken, cut into big chunks
3 cloves garlic, crushed
3 cups chard, thickly sliced
3 cups turkey or chicken broth
2 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1 tbsp soy sauce
2 tbsp mixed herbs (parsley, oregano, rosemary, marjoram is a nice mix)
pinch of cayenne, chipotle powder or pepper sauce
pinch of saffron
pinch of cumin
2 tsp salt
1 1/2 tsp honey
3/4 cup orzo (cooked for 3 minutes in boiling water, drained and set aside)
1/2 - 3/4 cup parmesan cheese, grated
1/2 cup cream

Preheat oven to 350°F.
Combine the butternut squash chunks and the oil or grease of your choice.  Mix to coat and place the chunks onto a baking sheet in 1 layer.  Bake for 45 minutes, tossing half way through.  Remove from the oven and set aside.

Heat a large dutch oven over low heat.
Add a little oil and add the sliced onion.  Cook over low heat for about 10 minutes, stirring to prevent sticking.
Add the garlic and turkey or chicken.  Cook for about 2 minutes.
Add the Worcestershire, soy sauce and herbs.  Mix to combine.
Add the turkey or chicken broth.
Bring to a simmer and add the saffron, cumin, salt and honey.  Stir to mix and add in the orzo.
Continue to simmer for about 5 minutes.
Add the chard and mix.
Cook for another 5 minutes.
Turn the heat down to low and add the roasted butternut squash and the parmesan cheese.  Mix to melt the cheese.
Add the cream and stir to mix.  Check the taste and adjust if necessary.
Serve

I realize that making mistakes is not just a part of life but an integral part of learning.  I know at every level of my being that I am not perfect and make mistakes frequently.  We tell our kids (especially Kid #1 because she's at that age) that not only are the mistakes going to happen but that they should motivate you to continue learning so that you don't make the mistake again.  And despite all of this, I absolutely HATE making mistakes.  It doesn't matter when, where, how, why or what happens.  Nothing altars how much I hate it when I make a mistake.
I've made a lot of mistakes lately.  Things like not biking to work when I should have because I thought that the weather might be bad but it wasn't.  Not letting the kids finish a sentence before interrupting them with some sort of answer.  Giving one of the choirboys the wrong music to work on because I didn't read the service music properly.  You get the idea.  Making mistakes when it comes to food has the effect of seriously altering what we'll be eating for the week.  If something doesn't work then either I have to make something else or we just go without.  The last time I tried pumpkin bread it failed miserably.  MISERABLY.  The gooey, puddingy mess was almost unsliceable.  Yuck.  I put the rest of the pumpkin puree in the freezer and took a break.  We needed some distance.  The damn stuff stayed in my psyche though.  Every time I read yet another food blog with some kind of devastatingly gorgeous incarnation of pumpkin bread I would cringe.  Every time I walked into a Starbucks and saw their pumpkin bread I would curse to myself.  The wound was still smarting.
Today was the day.  The day where I be the example to my kids.  The day where I put my money where my mouth is.  The day where I pulled out that pumpkin puree and tried again.  I was careful this time.  So careful.  I didn't watch a Bollywood film or any other film/tv or screen involved device - well, except for the recipe itself.  The kids both read quietly in the other room.  D was out at a rehearsal.  There were no excuses.  This was going to be it.  If this didn't work for me then I was done.  If I used pumpkin puree again it would either be in a sheet cake form or muffin, something smaller, thinner and therefor easier to get a better texture.


When the loaf was done baking (and I left it in for longer than I should have probably), I waited impatiently for the loaf to cool.  A lot of nail biting was happening.  I worked hard to distract myself for the appropriate period of time.  I kept checking it, feeling the pan, sticking the tester in.  Hell, if I thought that putting it in the fridge would've worked, trust me, I would've gone for it.  Thankfully an hour or so was all I had to suffer through.  I can't imagine it being any longer.  I was finally time to place the bread out onto the cutting board and put knife to loaf.  It was agonizing.  I can't remember being so anxious about the outcome of a baked good.  The first slice would seal it, if there was any sign of goo then I would throw my hands up and then wash them of all pumpkin loaves ever again.
Then it happened.  All of a sudden the first slice was done.  Then the second and the third.  There was no goo.  No goop, no squish.  I didn't need to wring it out.  Textural success!  But how did it taste?  I broke off a little piece and it was... GOOD.  I loved it in fact.  I ate the rest of the slice just to make sure that first bite wasn't an aberration.  Nope, it was all good.


And that, my friends, means that I have now achieved pumpkin bread redemption.  I can now hold my head high in a room of food bloggers or home cooks.  I can stare into that case at Starbucks and give that bread the brush off.  Doesn't intimidate me anymore.  My kids are getting their real life lesson about dealing with mistakes while they eat the results of my tenacity.


Whole Wheat Pumpkin and Applesauce Bread adapted from weeklygreens
makes 1 loaf

3/4 cup unbleached all purpose flour
3/4 cup whole wheat flour (I used Red Fife in mine)
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1 1/2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp ginger
1/2 tsp allspice
1/4 tsp nutmeg
2 lg eggs OR 1 egg and 2 whipped egg whites (thank you homemade ice-cream)
1 cup canned or pureed pumpkin or winter squash (if it's homemade you might want to drain it a bit through a sieve so that it's as dry as possible)
1/2 cup applesauce (unsweetened or barely sweetened)
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup (4 tbsp) melted butter or coconut oil

Streusel topping:

3 tbsp whole wheat flour
1 - 1/2 tbsp quick oats or oat bran
2 tbsp brown sugar
1 tsp sugar
dash of salt
2 tbsp cold, unsalted butter, cubed

Combine all the ingredients.  Using your thumbs pinch together until the mixture forms a crumb.  Should be lumpy and holding together.  Set aside.

Preheat oven to 350°F.
Grease and flour a regular sized loaf pan and set aside.
Combine the whole wheat flour, all purpose flour, baking soda, baking powder, salt, cinnamon, ginger, allspice, and nutmeg.  Mix well.  Set aside.
Optional: Whip the egg whites (if you haven't already) until light, fluffy and nearly stiff (will have at least doubled in size)
Combine the egg(s) - not the egg whites if using - pumpkin puree, apple sauce, brown sugar and melted butter.  Mix well until all the ingredients are combined.  Add the flour mixture to the pumpkin mixture.  Mix well.  Add in the egg whites and whisk in slowly until combined.  Pour into the prepared loaf pan and bake for 45-50 minutes.  After 25 minutes of baking add the streusel topping and continue baking for the remaining 20 minutes or until a tester comes out clean.  Allow to cool completely before slicing.

Assumptions.  We all have them.  I certainly do.  I assume a lot of things about another person based on how they look: dressed up, dressed down, athletic shoes, Vuitton bag, under 25yrs old with highlights and lowlights, track pants, ear encompassing headphones.  I think that you get the idea.  It's completely normal to make assumptions about the people around you.  It's how we relate, connect and how we make decisions in our mind about whether it might be someone we would like to be around or not.
However, I don't often think about the assumptions people make about me.  Truthfully, I don't even think of myself as someone noticeable.  And then I had a conversation recently with a neighbour and realized,to my surprise, that the assumptions are definitely there.  Of course they are there.  I know on an intellectual level that people will look at me or have a brief conversation with me and make assumptions based on my hair, my clothes and my accoutrements.  I know this but I don't know it.  In the same way I don't think of myself relative to how other women look at the same age.  I don't think of myself as someone who looks like they might have a tattoo.  I just have one.  So I realize quickly that although my neighbour and I don't know each other very well there are certain assumptions that she's made based on the stuff she knows.


She assumes that I don't eat junk food, like, ever.
Not True.
I eat junk food.  I do.  A lot.  I eat chips.  I love (I mean LOVE) wings and beer.  I don't eat stuff like candy or gummy bears because they make my stomach feel weird.  Not because I don't like them.
She assumes that I don't feed my kids anything but homemade.
Not True.
If Kid #2 could get 'cheesy noodles' (you know that awful stuff that comes from the famous box) everyday, he would be the happiest kid on earth.  I've reached a compromise I can live with by buying somewhat 'natural', organic stuff - still from a stupid box - and letting him have it for a treat once in a while (like once or twice a month).
She assumes that I eat 'healthy' and by healthy she's thinking 'low fat'.
Not True.
I eat fat.  I eat fat in the way of butter, cream, bacon, nuts and cheese.  I don't worry about fat at all.  In fact, I welcome it.  I like it.  I eat fat because it tastes really good and I believe that it's not necessarily the fat that's bad for me - especially those fats.
My neighbour was kind of surprised I guess.  If nothing else, she was somewhat better informed about the reality of my life.  I'm guessing she thought I was a '1 tbsp of olive... only, ever' kinda girl.  In addition, I hope that she's no longer beating herself up about not feeding enough vegetables to her kids or for pulling a box out of the freezer or cupboard once in a while.
I've tried and tried to think of a way to tie this together with the recipe I'm giving you.  It's taken a lot of time and effort but I think that I've found a way.  You see, when you roast a Sunday night chicken and you've made mashed potatoes and celery root, beautiful roasted carrots and parsnips with the chicken and then gorgeous gravy out of the drippings OR if you've hustled yourself home from work and maybe bought one of those roasted chickens from the deli and you want to have something tasty but also 'healthy' (i.e. veg) to go with that - and appease your guilt just a little - then this is the recipe for you.  What takes the longest is steaming the veg.  Everything else you've probably got lying around.  You can use whatever veg you've got, if it's root veg stuff then just make sure you've steamed it until it's just softening.  A little cream, a little cheese and some bread crumbs or crumbled crackers or chips or cereal and voila....


10 Minute Winter Vegetable Gratin loosely adapted from Martha Stewart

2 - 3 cups winter squash, peeled and cubed (about 1 inch cubes will do)
2 - 3 cups kale, chard or spinach, washed and chopped
2 - 3 cups broccoli or cauliflower florets, steamed until just al dente
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp nutmeg
3/4 cup cheddar, shredded (any shreddable cheese will do)
1/4 cup parmesan cheese, shredded
1/3 cup bread crumbs
1/2 - 3/4 cup cream (more if needed)

Preheat oven to 375°F.
Butter a baking dish and set aside.
Toss the cubed squash in some oil, melted butter or lard just until coated.  Place on a baking sheet and spread out evenly.  Bake for about 30 - 40 minutes or until the squash is browned on the outside and soft on the inside.  Remove from oven and set aside.  (This step can be done days ahead of time as well).
Toss together the vegetables in a bowl until mixed and pour into the baking dish.
Sprinkle with salt and nutmeg.  Sprinkle on the cheddar and then the parmesan.
Sprinkle the very top with the bread crumbs.
Add the cream just until it reaches about half the volume of the vegetables.
Bake uncovered for about 35 - 45 minutes or until golden brown on the top, bubbly and cheesy but not too wet underneath.
Cool for about 10 minutes before serving.

I'm hoping that you will all bear with me while I air out some things that I'm finding myself confused about.  For example, the other day I read a statement that went something like this: (I'm embellishing)
If you are used to seeing an armed guard at your local fast food restaurant, bank, church(!) then wouldn't the 'logic' follow that the schools which house our children for a large portion of the day should also be protected as diligently.  
This was put out the in the alternate universe known as Facebook by one of my 'friends.  'Oh Yes' you say immediately.  That's right.  We absolutely need to protect... wait, what?  Did you just mention your church had an armed guard?  Fast food joints have armed guards?  Ok.  No.  I think that we're a little mixed up here because shouldn't the real question here be why we feel the need to be armed like a military state in a country which purports such unequivocal freedom for the individual?  Sometimes 'logic' just doesn't make sense for me.  I was immediately confused.
I remember when I was a teenager a friends cousin got pregnant.  She was 17.  Most of those who weighed in on the situation (both parent and peer) thought that the logical thing to do was for her to marry the dude.  I was not one of those people.  I really thought that just because you messed up and got pregnant didn't mean that you had to sign up to continue down the same path.  Chances are that in any other circumstances the two wouldn't have stayed together past the summer.  Back then I thought that insisting the two get married would only make mistake number two.  Mistake number one already has some pretty far reaching consequences if you know what I mean.  Fortunately for her and for him they decided not to get married.  For me the same logic follows in the paragraph above.  I was always confused by the 'answers'.
If I'm truthful, both the questions and the answers feel wrong.  They seem upside down and backwards and it feels we're all too confused to really understand what we're nodding our heads to anymore because the language doesn't make sense.  Or maybe we want to find an answer that completely negates the problem.  I get that too.  Let's just find a paint colour strong enough to completely cover the crap underneath.  It can be a lot of work to get the crap off the walls first.  Sometimes I wonder if we've forgotten how to work together to find an answer because we've only been taught the 'black and whites' based on religion, colour and/or income bracket.
Do we only debate anymore?  Does debate matter in the light of 'right' and 'left' positioning.  I'm really struggling with the confusion I feel around governance and what appears to be our progressive and collective lack of understanding regarding the problems (I'm purposely using the word 'problem' as opposed to 'issue').  I'm not trying to stir the pot around gun controls.  It's just the current problem, that's all.  My concern is for the bigger picture.  I'd love to hear from you on your thoughts, not on the smaller, current problems but the larger, over-riding ones.  In other words, I'm not looking for a dissection and/or debate around things like gun control or abortion but a discussion around how we consider and move through these problems.


Now for something completely different: I promised you galette (or Pie) dough.  I promised you a recipe using lard.  I've recently started using lard more.  I've always heard that lard produces the flakiest crust but I've also heard that it's so bad for you that it's worth forfeiting for something healthier.  No longer.  I found out that I can get rendered lard from 'Fresh From the Farm'.  They just put it in yogurt containers.  I went, I saw, I bought.


Truth is that honestly I've never experienced a crust with a crumb so exquisite.  Fantastic.  Delicious.  Amazing.  I've got a crust or two in the freezer now so that I can make this on a whim but the reality is making the crust from scratch is pretty easy too.  If you can find lard from a trusted source then give this a whirl.  If you can't then butter will also do just fine.

This is the broccoli and roasted squash galette that I made with the crust.

Red Fife Galette (or Pie) Dough adapted from 'A Couple Cooks'
makes 2 med sized galettes or 1 double crusted pie

1 1/2 cups unbleached all purpose flour
1/2 cup Red Fife or Whole Wheat flour
3/4 tsp salt
1/2 cup cold butter, cubed
1/4 cup cold lard, cubed or in small bits
1 egg yolk
1/4 tsp apple cider vinegar
6 tbsp (approx) cold water

Combine the egg yolk, apple cider vinegar and cold water together.  Whisk until combined.  Set aside.
Combine both flours and the salt together in a medium sized bowl (not plastic).  Add in the cubed butter and lard.  Cut together the fats with the flour using a pastry cutter or two knives until the texture is crumbly.
Add the egg yolk mixture to the flour mixture.  Mix until it forms a dough ball (I added a little bit more water to mine).  Divide the dough into two balls, cover each with clear film and rest in the fridge for about 30 minutes.
Roll out on a lightly floured surface to about 1/4 or 1/8th of an inch approx.
Use the dough according to whatever recipe directions you are using from there.  If only using one dough ball then freeze the other.

And just like that the holidays are over and it's back to normal and I for one am so happy to be going back.  In the winter we all get a little stir crazy being inside.   Oh I wish that I were more adventurous as a parent, sure.  I watch with awe and wonder at the parents schlepping their kids here, there and everywhere in pursuit of happiness and fun.  I'm not that parent.  I'm the parent letting their kid have a cookie at 10:30 a.m. because it's the holidays.  I'm the parent letting their kid stay in pyjamas all day and doing movie marathons.  I'm the parent who might not even say a word to her kids for 2 or 3 hours because your all off in a different room... maybe napping.  I'm not out snowshoeing.  I'm not out at the mall.  We are not skating.

Note: Them - Outside/Me - Inside... maybe napping

With that in mind, we've all had a ton of relaxation and down time and are ready to brave the rest of the winter and get back to a routine.  My Christmas ham is getting it's final send-off by going  bone and all into split-pea soup.  The wine is drunk.  The champagne bottles are empty.  Birthdays have been celebrated.  Mother-in-laws have been moved.  Gingerbread houses have been decimated.  We are having our last holiday visitors over today... the tree is gone (thank god - goodbye) and the alarm clock is set for tomorrow.
Things go back to normal.  Back to waking up before the sun gets up.  Back to listening to CBC 'Metro Morning' which ends at 8:30 a.m. so I don't think I need to explain why I didn't listen over the holidays.  Back to being the lessons and classes taxi service.  Back to really listening to news and reading the papers.  A return to my normal cynicism around the politics of change as opposed to the politics for theatre.  And hence, back to my regular frustration.  It's back to piano practice and homework after school and cleaning out lunch kits.
And finally, it's back to the comfort of the everyday and food that can be transported for lunches or work well as leftovers.  Enter: Squash.


Squash - that stuff I hated when I was a kid.  Squash - the stuff I only knew as a thing that you cut in half, de-seeded (never done by me mind you) and roasted with sugar and butter.  Sometimes it was bearable and other times it was the WORST.  Squash - the food that you tolerated for dinner and hoped that something better (like taco's or spaghetti from a can) was coming tomorrow.  Squash - the dinner guest that I discovered would come out of my brother's nose if I got him to laugh hard enough.  Squash - the stuff that I thought only came in dark green acorn and bright orange pumpkin.  Squash - the food that I would never in a million years have guessed could make a rather nice sweet loaf... seriously, who knew that one.
Now, squash has become synonymous with comfort food for me.  Roast that squash and it further transforms into amazing.  Put it with some sausage, greens and cream and you've got winter heaven in a bowl.  Honestly I don't need to eat this with anything else but it does go nicely with some pasta and would do well with rice or something like it as well.


Squash and Sausage Pasta Sauce
serves 6

3 cups butternut squash (or other winter squash), peeled, deseeded and cubed
1 cup onion
3 cloves garlic
1 1/2 cup mushrooms
3 cups curly Kale, diced
1 lb sausage, (I used Honey, Garlic) uncooked and thinly sliced
1 cup vegetable or chicken broth
1 1/2 - 2 cups cream
2 tbsp lemon juice
1 tsp paprika
1 1/2 tsp nutmeg
2 tsp salt
2 tsp italian seasoning
2 tbsp honey
4 - 5 cups rotini or penne pasta cooked to al dente, drained and set aside

Preheat oven to 375°F.
Line a baking sheet.  Toss the butternut squash in melted lard or olive oil.  Place on the baking sheet and roast for about 40 minutes (if it looks ready after 30 minutes in your oven take it out then).  Set aside.
Heat a large wok or dutch oven over medium heat.   Add 2 - 3 tbsp of lard or oil.  Add in the onion and cook for about 4 minutes.  Add in the sausage and garlic and cook together another 5 minutes.  Turn the heat down to med/low and add the mushrooms and kale.  Cook together for another 5 - 7 minutes (the kale should be fully wilted at that point).  Add in the roasted squash and mix.  Add in the paprika, nutmeg, salt, italian seasoning and honey.  Mix well.  Add in the broth, lemon juice and cream. Check the taste and adjust if necessary (I might add in a little heat for example).
At this point you can remove the sauce from the heat and add it to the pasta, mix well and serve OR plate the pasta and add the sauce over top on each plate.

I have amended my Christmas wish list.  'Time' is now officially the first item on the list. I know that it makes no real sense to have 'Time' as part of my wish list because once Christmas is here I'll have lots of time.  Let's look at it as 'At least I know that I'm going to get what I want for Christmas' - oozing positivity.
I have so many recipes ready to go.
I have cookies to bake.
I have lemon curd to whip up.
I have chex mex to make.  This is important for the Christmas Eve movie that we will go to and sneak in our own snacks.
Although most things of worth have gone by the wayside lately, here are some of the things that I've managed to keep up with:
1.  Bathing and teeth brushing
2.  Birthday cake making
3.  Clothes washing... almost
4.  Breakfast
5.  Biking to work
6.  Letters to Santa (Kid #2 wrote a letter that went like this: Dear Santa - I want....... signed Kid #2.  Kid #1 got really upset and told him that if he didn't write some nice things to Santa first that he wouldn't get anything on his list.  You can't just send Santa a list!  He was confused and more than a little frustrated but wrote the letter anyway)
7.  An early gift to myself.  This took a little more of that precious time than I had anticipated but it was so worth it and I'm thrilled and a little itchy.


So I'm keeping up in a manner of speaking.  However, when it comes to food I'm falling way way way behind.  It's pathetic.  And then there is the whole 'dark-in-the-middle-of-the-day' thing that is just totally wrecking photos for me.  It's bumming me out.  Curry helps.  Curry feels warm and sunny.  It reminds me that there are many places in the world that aren't dark, damp and cold.  If you find the curry powder amount sounds a little rash then by all means start with half the amount and ramp it up from there.  We prefer our curry kickin'.


I truly hope that you are finding some time for reflection and quiet.  I hope that you are making all the cookies and curds that your little heart desires.  I hope that your Chex Mex making schedule is right on target... and if it's not just know that you are not alone.


Cabbage and Squash Curry adapted from Simply in Season
serves 8

1 small onion, diced
2 cloves garlic, minced
3- 4 cups butternut squash (or other winter squash), peeled, de-seeded and cut into 2 inch cubes
3 - 4 cups cabbage
2 lg potatoes, cut into 2 inch cubes
1 cup frozen peas or green beans

Curry seasoning:
2 bouillion cubes
1 full cup mild curry seasoning (I used west indian curry)
4 tbsp garam masala
2 tsp ginger
2 tsp cumin
2 tsp salt
pinch of pepper
1 tsp pepper sauce

2 tbsp soy sauce
1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
2 - 3 tbsp tomato sauce or paste
1 can (400 ml) chick peas
1 can (400 ml) coconut milk
2 tbsp honey

Preheat oven to 350° F.  Coat the squash cubes in oil and spread onto a baking sheet.  Roast for about 35 minutes or until turning golden brown on the outside and soft on the inside.  Remove from oven and set aside.
Heat a heavy bottomed soup pot or dutch oven over medium heat.
Add about 4 tbsp of oil or butter and then add in the onion and cubes potatoes.  Cook together for about 10 minutes (turning the heat down if necessary).  The potato should be browning on the outsides.  Add in the garlic and cabbage.  Turn the heat down to medium/low.  Make sure that the cabbage is coated in oil and continue to cook for about 10 minutes.  Stir when necessary to keep the vegetables from sticking.
In another bowl combine the boullion cubes (crushed up with your fingers), curry seasoning, garam masala, ginger, cumin and salt.  Add just enough water to form a paste.  Add in the soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce and tomato sauce.  Stir well.
Add the paste to the cooking vegetables.  Stir well.  Add the chickpeas, coconut milk and honey.  Stir well.  Add in the roasted squash and the frozen beans.  Mix well.  Check the tastes and adjust if necessary.
Cover and simmer about 15 minutes on low heat.
Serve with rice.

My friend emailed a few of us this week describing her recent and devastating occurrence.  She and her partner have chickens.  They've only just gotten off the ground.  Her partner B went all out with the coop and the chickens have this lovely area under the trees where they love to roost  when they're out and about.  For the most part, the chickens have been getting on with life - enjoying the roam and adding to C and B's egg collection.
More recently C and B added a rooster to their family.  Roosters are always difficult.  If there's more than one, they fight.  Nasty fighting.  Sometimes they just randomly start pecking away at another chicken until it's raw and bleeding.  Once that begins it's very hard to stop it and it the other chickens start picking up the behaviour as well.  They're also pretty loud compared to the chickens.  In this case though, Harry (yes - they named the rooster) has been exceptional.  Harry has gotten along well with his harem and things have been relatively peaceful.
Until one morning earlier this week when C went out to the coop only to find poor Harry lying on the floor of the coop, his comb turning blue and breathing shallow, laborious breaths.  C rushed Harry to the vet (yup - she did) where Harry later died.  The vet thinks that Harry succombed to heart failure and that it might be something congenital, ie. something the breed itself is susceptible to.
My poor friend C is bereft and confused.  She is a vegetarian and has trouble with any kind of suffering whatsoever.  So in the midst of working hard to create more awareness around growing food, saving seeds, keeping animals for the sake of the soil and all of that she is asking herself how ethical it is to entertain breeding animals that are susceptible to such severe congenital problems.  She has asked us all to respond with our thoughts about the whole thing.
So I'm thinking here on this blog.  I'm thinking that if we expect that there will be no 'setback' in our pursuit of a better planet then we're fooling ourselves.  One of the reasons that we've allowed ourselves to be so overwhelmed with industry created food is because it's damn hard doing it yourself.  The breed used for industrial chicken farms is one that grows fast, so fast that after 12 weeks of life it can't stand anymore.  The meat tastes like fluff because it's got no muscle tone but it grows fast and is hearty enough that with some (lots) antibiotics it can survive long enough to die fat.  Doing things any other way is a lot of work, it takes a lot of time and there is a lot of loss.  Loss is present everywhere whether we like it or not.  Animals die, plants die (they do), people die.  The real question for me is what kind of life was had by the animal, plant or person.  Harry probably had a much better life than most chickens do and I would hope that his death would be able to continue life in something else.  An animal could be fed, a human could be fed, the soil could be fed.  I hope that Harry's death doesn't become the most wasted thing about his life.


I've become so much more appreciative of what animals give us.  I understand so much more that we are all connected and when we abuse one we are abusing all including ourselves.  I don't buy chicken parts anymore.  I buy the whole chicken and I buy it from someone who let the chickens wander around and peck around and roost in the bottom branches of their favourite tree... because that's what being a chicken is all about.  When I use that chicken for food I'm thankful for every part of that bird - the feet, the neck, the organs especially and the fat off the skin.  Nothing gets wasted.


The end of my last chicken roast along with the neck and organs and skin and feet became fantastic chicken stock and yielded about 2 - 3 cups of meaty cooked chicken.  I used it with some roasted butternut squash, some cream, some cheese and some sage.  It's been one of the best things I've made this fall bar none.  I savoured each bite with heartfelt gratitude.


Chicken and Butternut Squash Orzo
serves 6 - 8

1 med/sm butternut squash, seeded, peeled and cubed into 1 inch cubes
5 - 6 cups chicken broth
3 - 4 cups cooked chicken, cut into bite sized pieces
1 1/2 cups orzo
1/2 cup cream
3/4 cup parmesan cheese
1 - 2 tsp salt
2 - 3 tbsp honey
3 - 4 tbsp fresh sage, coarsely chopped
1/4 tsp nutmeg

Preheat the oven to 350° F.
Line a baking sheet with parchment.  In a bowl toss the butternut squash cubes with some oil or lard that's been warmed up.  Place the sqaush cubes on the baking sheet, sprinkle with a little salt and roast in the oven for about 30 - 35 min. The squash should be nicely browned on the outside and squishy on the inside.
In a heavy bottomed pan heat the broth over med/hi heat until the broth is simmering. Add in the orzo and turn the heat down to medium/low.  Continue to simmer for about 10 - 15 min or until the orzo is becoming soft.  As the orzo is almost ready add in the salt, honey, sage and nutmeg.  Check e taste and adjust if necessary. Add in the cooked chicken and the roasted squash. Mix well.
Turn the heat down to very low and add in the cream and parmesan cheese.  Let the cheese melt and serve.

We're settling into something resembling a routine.  A very loose routine.  It's wonderful.  I'm enjoying it all.  It's great sweating each and every toxin out of my body (that probably some urban myth b.s. but it sounds like a great idea), wandering to the farmer's market, sleeping until 8 a.m. and staying up late.
The heat this summer, although wonderful - don't get me wrong, has kept me out of the kitchen a little more than I was expecting.


I have these wonderful fresh veggies to cook with but all I really want to eat are these gorgeous heirloom tomatoes with some homemade mayo.  Who would want to eat anything else?  What else even matters. However when you get something that looks as beautiful as this...


Well, you just have to cook it.
I could have stuffed it.  Lots of recipes out there for that.  Thought about it... ugh, too much work and it didn't look like it could feed us - ie. no leftovers.   Essential anytime of year but especially in the summer when it's hot.  I decided on a beautiful ratatouille.  Yes.  Ratatouille.  Rustic.  Simple.  So comforting.  Highlighting the summer veggies beautifully.  Problem.  Tomatoes.  I don't have any home canned tomatoes left.  I'm empty.  Broke.  Flat out.  They won't be ready to can for another month.  So what's a girl to do?
I cave in and off I go to buy canned tomatoes.  They're organic and everything else that's supposed to make me feel ok about buying that stuff.  So problem solved.  Wait... Next problem... I bought the wrong kind of tomatoes.  These are crushed tomatoes not diced.  Ahhhhh!  And I go off on my inner tirade:  This project is so doomed.  Why am I rushing through these things all the time.  Why can't I just have canned more damn tomatoes last year... etc.


I collect myself and decide to continue with an altered plan.  Stew.  Not ratatouille but stew.  It's not the same.  But as it turns out, it's actually just as good.


Ratatouille inspired Eggplant and PattyPan Stew adapted from 'The Silver Palate Cookbook'
serves 6

1 medium/lg eggplant in 1 - 1 1/2 inch chunks (I did not peel mine)
3 - 4 cups sliced pattypan (about 1/4 inch thick or so)
1/2 cup onion, diced
4 - 5 tbsp olive oil or grease of choice (I use lard when I can get it) - you might need a little more depending on the eggplant.
500 ml can crushed or diced tomatoes
4 cups sausage meat, cooked and diced or thinly sliced (I used honey garlic for this one)
2 veggie bouillion cubes
1/2 cup diced fresh herbs with a strong presence of basil
2 tsp salt
2 tbsp honey
pepper or pepper sauce to taste

Heat a large heavy bottomed sauce pan over medium heat.
Add in the oil or grease.
Throw in the eggplant, pattypan and onion.  Cook together for about 10 - 12 minutes adding a little more oil/grease if necessary and cook together (stirring regularly) for another 10 minutes or so - turn the heat down a little if it's just too hot.
Throw in the rest of the ingredients adding just a little water if it looks too thick.
Cook together over low heat for another 40 minutes or so - the eggplant and the patty pan should be almost disintegrating.
Check the tastes and adjust if necessary.

NOTE:  You could also throw everything into a slow cooker once the onion, eggplant and pattypan have been browned.  Leave in the slow cooker on low for the day.

Sometimes I am a b*&%h.
I was recently having a conversation with D in which I got little heated.  Not at him, at someone else.  A situation that I was describing to him was really getting to me.  He was telling me that I was being a real b#%*h.  His accusation was dead on.  I was being a b@&*h.  I told him that I was totally ok with it.  I was completely and totally accepting of my own bitchiness.  I think that it makes me a more balanced individual.  In fact, I will go out on a seriously politically incorrect limb here and say that I think there are situations which demand some serious and heartfelt bitchiness.
At the time I was describing a situation in which an acquaintance was discussing his wife's shopping habits to a large group of people.  This person publically implied that he let his wife off the leash to go crazy shopping.  The sub-text being that these are the things that men must put up with to keep (and to reward) a happy marriage.  Now while I whole-heartedly applaud this individual's desire for a happy marriage, I can't even begin to express how offended and revolted, disgusted and angry I was with the comment.  I was so 'moved' that in discussing this whole thing with D I used some pretty choice words... and the kids were around.
I apologized to them afterwards because I wasn't exactly proud of my vocabulary but it did give me a chance to talk to Kid #1 about why my reaction was so strong.  Being the Mom to this wonderful daughter of mine means that I have a responsibility to tell her about the root of my anger and bitchiness.  We ended up having a serious discussion about how important I feel it is that no matter how wonderful her partner is that she remain confident and empowered in the relationship.  Equitability to me means that I don't need to ask for permission to spend money either because I make my own or it's not something that either one of us do frivolously and we both trust each other in that.  I know that if D spends money he's doing it for a damn good reason.  I also know that he feels the same way about me.  I have never been questioned about a purchase.
However, I also made it clear to Kid #1 that if she had money available to her and wished to 'live large' with that money that she had every right to do so.  We have a cousin who is a highly respected and recognized lawyer in the UK.  She has worked hard.   Damn hard.  She gives her time not just at her job but with numerous organizations that help educate and empower women.  She makes a lot of money and she spends it.  Done.  She gets a lot of flack for her spending habits.  Many in the family will talk about it, pass judgement even.  I made it clear to Kid #1 that I have no problem with how our cousin spends her money.  If our cousin were a man no one would say a word.  In fact, they might very well pat him on the back for being so successful ... and most certainly they would never question it. Because our cousin is a woman her spending is treated differently.  The wonderful thing about our cousin is that she doesn't care.  She does what she does and she's proud.  She is generous to a fault and enjoys herself freely and openly.
I guess what really got my goat about this whole thing was that rather than people jumping on this guy for being so down right patriarchal and condescending towards women, he was applauded.  Applauded.  That was the shocker.  I'm still speechless about it.


I cook.  I clean.  I work both in the home and out of it.  Because I have to and because I want to.  I'm not the craziest feminist out there for sure but I want my daughter to live in a world where she can be herself.  Where she can get paid the same salary as a man for the job she does.  Where she has access to jobs that even now are limited for women.  Where she can wear a head scarf if she wishes or knee high boots without fear.  I also want her to be able to stay home to parent, cook and clean if she wishes.  It's important.
This bread is an homage to my past.  To Women's collective past.   To kneading and baking bread whilst fully appreciating all the choices that I now enjoy as a woman.  So yeah, this is definitely one those situations in which I am proud to be bitchy.


Pumpkin Cloverleaf Buns adapted from Gourmet Magazine 'Comfort Food'
makes about a dozen

5 tbsp unsalted butter, melted
2 1/4 tsp active dry yeast (1 packet)
1/4 cup + 2 tbsp warm milk
1 tbsp brown sugar
2 3/4 cups all purpose flour (a little more for kneading)
1 tsp salt
1/8 tsp each nutmeg, cardamom
1/3 cup pumpkin/squash puree (canned is fine)
1 lg egg + 1 egg yolk

1 tbsp water
1 egg

Combine the yeast, warm milk and brown sugar together  and set aside in a draft free spot to proof for about 10 minutes.
Combine the flour, salt, nutmeg and cardamom together in a bowl and set aside.
Once the yeast has proofed and is all bubbly and doubled in size then add in the pumpkin, 1 egg + 1 yolk and the butter.  Mix until incorporated.
Add the yeast mixture to the flour mixture and mix with a wooden spoon until it forms a soft dough ball.
Turn onto a lightly floured surface and knead for about 8 minutes or until the dough is silky smooth and almost feels light when working through it.
Oil or grease a large bowl.  Place the dough in the greased bowl and turn the dough so that all side are greased.  Cover with a clean cloth and place in draft free spot to rise for 1 1/2 - 2 hrs or until doubled in size.
Punch down the dough (do not knead). Divide the dough in half.  On a lightly flour surface roll half of the dough out into a long log.  Cut the log into 6 pieces.
Cut each piece into 3 small pieces.  Form each piece into a ball shape.
Repeat with the other half of the dough.


Grease a 12 cup muffin tin.  Place 3 balls into each muffin cup.  Cover with a clean cloth and place in a draft free spot to rise for 1 - 1 1/2 hrs (until the dough is about an inch above the rim of each muffin cup.


Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.
Combine the remaining egg and water.  Brush the egg wash over the top of each bun.
Bake about 20 minutes or until golden brown.
Best consumed the same day.  Otherwise cool and freeze.  Just warm them up as you want to each them.

Things I've learned from being a musician:
1.  The gifts you are born with only take you so far.  Hard work and perseverance take you the distance.  Every single time.
2.  Practice is a waste of time if your hearts not in it.  That doesn't mean don't bother, it means collect yourself and get some work done.  Discipline in the deepest way.
3.  It's not getting out there into the 'real world' that's hard.  It's getting off your ass and swallowing your own fears... that's the hardest.  And you don't do that just once, you do it over and over and over.


Sure I could have and probably would have learned those same lessons being a history major or in engineering... but I'm a musician.  I've been one all my life.
All my early music memories are from church.  My first music disaster at the ripe old age of about 6 when I pushed the organ peddle too hard during the offertory and woke the ENTIRE church.  I cried.  My Dad hugged me afterwards and gave me a candy to suck on.
My first singing adventure when during my Sunday School solo my Dad sat at the back of the church and smiled at my whilst simultaneously dropping his denture.  I could never quite figure out why my Dad wanted to make me laugh while I was singing.
I hated having to learn to sing harmonies.  My Mom taught me very early in life so that I could do trio's with her and my Dad.  Now I have a good ear.
Singing and playing in Festivals and doing exams.  Jeez - it never stopped.
I'm still doing it.  Still singing, playing, teaching, passing it on to my own kids, listening to everything I can get my hands on, living music.  Music got me into biking and running oddly enough.  Biking, because I used my bike at university to get around instead of the subway... I was broke.  Running, because practice taught me that something hard could eventually be overcome and even fun.  The biggest thing that music has given me though is my sense of self.  I'm not sure how in a school of neurotic and insecure singers I found myself but I did.  It's taught me to roll with change and to look at my own weaknesses.  Crying in a practice room because I didn't want to do that audition and then going out there and doing it anyway (and sucking BTW) taught me that I can do it and still be me afterwards AND I can always get better (and I did).  When I think about how much fear drives our culture and our 'selves' I feel very thankful for that.
I had a conversation recently with a friend and we were talking about positive and negative experiences in our lives.  About how hard the hard stuff really can be.  What I ended up blurting out was that it's the hard stuff that's given me more and taught me more deeply than the easy stuff or even the happy stuff.  In fact, it's made me appreciate the good times even more.  I think it's partly because it makes us feel so deeply.  It's also made me way more comfortable with making hard decisions that I know are the right thing... even though they're hard.  For all that I'm thankful.  Very thankful.


I'm also deeply thankful for this bread.  And deeply satisfied.  I needed this bread.  After the slew of sweets that I found lacking for me this bread was just what the doctor ordered.  I've already eaten two pieces and it just came out of the oven a little while ago.  No too sweet.  A perfect crumb and a texture hefty enough to stand up to a good cup of tea... before I go and practice.



Sweet Squash Bread adapted from 'Simply in Season'
makes 1 loaf

1 cup all purpose flour
1 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
3/4 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
pinch each of ginger, nutmeg and cloves

1 1/4 cup squash puree (I used some frozen butternut squash puree from my freezer)
2 eggs
1/3 cup oil
streusel topping (optional)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
Grease and flour a loaf pan.  I have two loaf pan sizes but I don't know what the measurements are for them.  For this recipe I used the smaller of the two pans.
Combine the flour, whole wheat flour, sugar, brown sugar, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg and cloves together in a bowl.  Set aside.
In another bowl combine the squash puree, eggs and oil.  Mix well.
Add the squash mixture to the flour mixture and stir until combined.
Pour the batter into the prepared loaf pan.  Sprinkle with the streusel topping (if you want).  Bake for about 50 minutes or until a cake tester comes out clean.
Cool in the pan for about 10 minutes before removing to cool completely.