One of the best things I've done all week is make this stuff.  I've done other good things too don't get me wrong but this casserole is right up there with the best.  It certainly is the best thing I've done with cauliflower in a good long while.
Being on spring break this week and surrounded by my kids and sometimes other people's kids too, I've been thinking a lot about parenting lately.  I've been giving a lot of thought to the way parenting changes as kids get older.  I'm ninety three percent convinced that my twelve year old has decided that it's her goal in life to make us crazy but she's not going to win that one.  She doesn't know who she's dealing with.  Reality is that she needs me to be a completely different parent than my six year old does.  Neither role I feel totally equipped to do well and if most of the parent model's I'm seeing are the 'right way' then I'm in big trouble.  I believe that the real issue here is that I don't really care.  I know what it is I'm supposed to be and it's not realistic nor is it any kind of recipe for success.  I'm pretty happy with the way things are.  We have one night during the school week when both kids have an activity.  The activity for both of them falls on the same night.  Kid #1 is carpooled for part of her activity so we're off the hook once she's been dropped off.  Additionally, Kid #1 has dance and piano which, for the most part happens on Saturday mornings and if it doesn't happen on Saturday then we're probably not going to do it.  D and I both work in the evenings after 'work' and there are many occasions where I have to be in to work on one day over the weekend.  We can't fit any more activities in without some serious juggling around.
Then there is the park stuff which I endure in the summer only because it's warm outside and I can sit off by myself being most antisocial, reading and sipping something cold.  When it's not warm we don't go.  I despised Mom and Tot groups when my kids were babies because they felt like they weren't for the kids at all but the parents.  The parents seemed to feel like we all deserved a collective pat on the back for our efforts towards socializing six month old people.  Nope - didn't last long and I didn't once feel bad about it.
I don't freak out if my kids didn't get outside over the course of a day.  I don't freak out if they didn't eat as well as I would have liked.  I don't freak out if they haven't finished homework or practiced piano.  I freak out a little if they spend too much time in front of a computer screen but even then it depends on what they're doing in front of that screen.  D and I have flatly refused to ever take Kid #1 camping because we don't camp.  I've never once held a birthday party in one of those places where there are games and lights and noise and awful pizza because I can't deal with it - I want to curl up in a corner, close my eyes and fall asleep just thinking about it.  I miss the days where we could just let our kids hang out outside until it got dark and we could do it without needing to sit out there watching them in order to be 'good' parents.  I need time away from them although I feel a little guilty when it happens.  I try to make sure that I take it whenever I can though - even if just for a couple of hours.
Craziest part is that I don't think my kids are suffering at all.  In fact, they seem to be pretty well adjusted so far.  Sure I wish that they did a little more of this and a little less of that but mostly they're doing ok.  We're not pushing them to be at the top of their class but neither are they failing or even seriously struggling with anything.  They enjoy their friends and they aren't unhappy to be alone.  It's weird.


So this week, when D and I ended up being the only ones who dug into this cauliflower casserole, I didn't freak out 'cause they weren't trying it.  We told them that they were missing out but didn't force it down their throats.  They really did miss out but what it meant was that we got to eat it all.  I can live with that.


Cauliflower Casserole adapted from 'Give Recipe'
serves 6

1 head of cauliflower (about 4 cups) broken into medium sized pieces
slice of lemon
1 lb ground beef, pork or lamb
1 onion (1/2 cup), diced
3 cloves garlic, crushed
1/2 - 3/4 cup red pepper, diced (I used roasted red pepper from the freezer)
1 boullion cube (veggie or whatever)
1 1/2 tbsp mixed herbs
2 tbsp honey
1 1/2 tsp salt
2 tbsp Worcestershire Sauce
1 tsp pepper sauce (optional)
1/4 cup tomato paste
2 - 3 tbsp water
1 1/2 cups mozzarella cheese

Place the cauliflower pieces in a large pot of water.  Bring to a boil and add the lemon slice.  Boil for about 7 minutes or until the cauliflower is just beginning to soften.  Drain and set aside.
Preheat the oven to 350°F.
Heat a heavy bottomed pot over medium heat.  Add a little oil and then add in the onion and garlic.  Cook for about 1 minute and then add in the ground meat.  Turn the heat down a little and cook together for about 4 minutes or until the meat begins to brown.  Add in the red pepper and veggie bouillon.  Cook for another 4 - 5 minutes.  Add in the herbs, honey, salt, Worcestershire, pepper sauce tomato paste and water.  Mix well.  Continue to cook for another 5 minutes.  Check the tastes and adjust if necessary.
Place the cauliflower into a deep baking dish (I used an 8 inch round) and sprinkle about half of the mozzarella on top of the cauliflower.  Pour the meat mixture on top of that and sprinkle the remaining mozzarella over the top.
Bake covered for 20 minutes.  Remove the cover and bake for another 15 or until the cheese begins to bubble and brown.
Cool for a few minutes before serving.

I'm sitting in front of the screen waiting to be inspired.  I decide to start reading some blogs that always do just that.  I read for a few minutes then decide I should just upload my pictures and start dealing with them so that once I finally write this post I won't have to fiddle with the pictures.  Then I think 'That's dumb - the pictures are the easiest part'.  I go back to the blog but a few minutes later find myself almost involuntarily inserting my camera's memory card into the computer slot.  And around we go.
I'm all over the place.  I'm making the adjustment to not having to hustle out the door except I don't want to truly adjust because it's only a week off and then I'm readjusting.  Trust me when I tell you that adjusting to a more relaxed schedule is a lot easier than the adjustment back.  Ick.  I managed to get myself together enough to meet up with KT for lunch.  Still not enough time (for me) but it's a start.  We got to catch up a bit finally.  Up until about 24 hours ago I hadn't cooked anything in a few days.  DAYS.  What does that tell you.  I'm slowly catching up but honestly I think that I've needed to fall apart just a little.
The thought of having to plan a March Break getaway makes me nearly apoplectic.  However, I'm not sure if it's worse having to deal with two kids asking you each day (and possibly multiple time throughout the course of that day) whether 'we're going to do anything fun today'.  'Since when is doing nothing NOT fun'  I ask.  And around we go... March Break.
I'm going to use this week to get back into some kind of running routine because now there are clear sidewalks and the temperature is such that my brain doesn't shutdown when I look outside.  I'm going to take in my poor bike that has gotten me through another winter... but barely.  Poor baby needs some TLC so badly it's not even funny.  While I'm getting my bike seen to (this is a great shop BTW) at the shop, I'm going to start a conversation about commuter bikes.  Shudder.  I know that they were made for people like me who ride everywhere and all the time (ie. through rain and winter).  They make so much sense... but they're so lame looking.  I gotta get over it and then I've gotta scrap up the dough.  I'm also going to contact my tattoo guy about #2 because I've already got an idea for #2 and #3 and I'm just going to do it.  I need some pain in the very best way.
With the kids... maybe we'll go to the theatre... maybe we'll just rent.  We've already gone out once for dinner so that's covered.  We've booked a possible play date and we've got a dentist appointment.  I'd say that if we get to the bookstore and maybe out into the ravine for a good long walk that we've covered some decent parental duties.


When it come to food I'm pretty relaxed this week.  I'm going to venture into sour dough bread but only just a little.  I'm making some beef stock with bones, meat and marrow and of course a few veggies thrown into the pot.  I did something spectacular with cauliflower that surprised even me - you'll be getting that post next.  I made these beauties.  They're all cheesy and green and square like.  I'm trying to convince myself that they're like a savoury custard bar.

The plant that was taken out of the basket that my school sent us for my Father-in-law's Memorial is finally starting to  get some new leaves.

Spinach, Kale and Feta Squares adapted from 'Almonds and Raisins' by Evelyne Pytka
makes 1 9x9 inch pan of squares

1 cup whole wheat flour (I used Red Fife but any whole wheat flour will be fine)
1/2 cup unbleached, all purpose flour
1 1/2 tsp salt
6 - 7 tbsp cold butter or lard or a combination, cut into small cubes
1/2 - 3/4 cup cold milk

1/2 cup onion, chopped
3 cups spinach, chopped
3 cups kale (I used Cavolo Nero), chopped
1 1/2 tsp salt
2 tbsp dried mixed herbs (I used parsley, basil, oregano, marjoram and rosemary)
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/2 tsp paprika
1 egg
4 egg whites (or just use 2 more eggs)
3/4 cup plain yogurt
3/4 cup milk
1 tbsp honey
2 tsp dijon (or dried mustard powder)
dash of Worcestershire
dash of pepper sauce (optional)
1 cup feta, crumbled
1 cup cheddar (or any melty cheese), shredded

Preheat oven to 350°F.
Butter or lightly grease a 9x9 baking dish and set aside.
Combine the flours, salt and 6 tbsp's of butter or lard.  Using a pastry cutter or two knives cut the mixture together until it forms a crumbly texture.  Use the extra tbsp of butter if necessary.  Add enough of the milk to form a dough that will stick together when you try to form a ball in your hand.
Pour everything into the baking dish and pat down using your fingers until it is pressed into the bottom fairly evenly throughout.
Bake for about 15 minutes or just until the dough has baked together but hasn't gotten browned.  Set aside to cool slightly.
Remove from the oven and turn the oven up to 375°F.
Meanwhile, heat a heavy bottomed sauce over medium heat.  Add a little oil to the pot and add in the onion.  Stir for a minute or so and then add in the spinach and kale.  Turn the heat off immediately and remove from the heat.  You just want the greens to wilt, not really cook.  Once wilted add in the salt, herbs, nutmeg and paprika.  Mix well.
In a bowl combine the egg and egg whites (or just all the eggs) and whisk for a couple of minutes by hand.  Add in the yogurt and milk and mix.  Add in the honey, dijon, Worcestershire and pepper sauce.  Whisk until combined.
Place the greens evenly over the baked crust.  Sprinkle the feta and cheddar evenly over that.  Pour the egg mixture over the top of everything and spread evenly.  Sprinkle with a little parmesan cheese if you would like.
Bake for about 30 - 35 minutes or until everything has browned nicely on the top and the centre feels fairly firm to the touch.
Cool for about 10 minutes before cutting.

I'm totally distracted by lots and lots of things in my life.  At the moment my big distraction is that I have no one to go to a concert with me.  I'm gutted.  I desperately want to go and see Kate Nash who is in town next week.  I sent a call out to my cyberworld friends and sadly, have gotten no response.  D is not into K enough to go to the show although, to be fair, we haven't talked about it yet.  Kate is definitely just weird enough to be just a smidge inaccessible to most pop-loving north americans but not weird enough to make it into the super fringe crowd.  Her music speaks to me.  She seems unafraid to be a 'hysterical' female.  I'm itching to go and it's my March Break week... do I go by myself... it's pretty late in the night... I'd feel weird standing there alone...
Then I thought about how far the tables have turned... and in the weirdest way.  When I was in university I was the girl that didn't go out.  I stayed home.  I put my favourite CD in the disk player and plugged in the headphones.  I would lie on the couch and get lost in the sound.  I would read.  I would go to church.  I would grab the local and free newspaper and read about what was going on... I would never do it.  My friends would ask me to do stuff... I wouldn't.  Sometimes I would go to a movie - usually either while I was supposed to be in class (ie. during the day) or at midnight (I wasn't afraid of the movie theatre... just of some movies).  Mostly I went to friends places for dinner if I did anything at all.  Once.  ONCE!  My friend dragged me kicking and screaming (and terrified on the inside) to a Bare Naked Ladies concert.  It was fun but I felt lost, I didn't know what to do.
It's taken me many years to be okay with not knowing what to do, to stop worrying about whether I looked the part and to actually let myself want to do something.  I am now at the stage of life when most of us slow down - kids, work, home - and yet now I feel finally ready to get out there and do somethings.  Let me be clear, I still don't want to do a lot.  I'm not and probably never will be much of a party person.  But there are some things that I just want to do.


It's weird how life does that to you.  Just when you feel good about yourself and you're ready to put it out there you discover that your boat just set off from dock and you're scrambling to find another solution.  I don't know if you've ever found yourself in that situation.  Wondering how it is in your circle of friends or in your family that you are the only one who's giving a crap about some special thing or whatever.  Thing is, I'm one week away from a great show and I've got no date.  Should I consider hiring someone?  Do I ask someone to go who doesn't know KN at all - then I have to explain her or feel all apologetic when she's not what they expected.  Do I just not go?  I can get her music online after all... it's not the end of the world right?
While contemplating my dilemma I made these muffins.  Muffins are still weird for me because I feel like they are cupcake's boring cousin except... they're not.  Aside from not rising as much as I might have preferred in a perfect muffin world, these were great.  I sat with a cup of coffee (which I'm drinking again for those with an interest) and let the carrot muffin pieces in my mouth lull my into a false sense of 'ok'.


Whole Grain Carrot Muffins adapted from Good to the Grain
makes about 8 - 10 medium sized muffins

Streusel: (I only used about half of this for the muffins - the other half can go in the freezer for next time)
1/4 cup + 2 tbsp spelt flour
2 tbsp oat bran (I used quick oats instead)
3 tbsp brown sugar
1 tbsp sugar
1/2 tsp salt
3 tbsp (or so) cold, unsalted butter, cubed

Muffins:

1 cup spelt flour
3/4 cup unbleached all purpose flour
1/4 cup oat bran (I used a mixture of bran and quick oats 'cause that's what I had)

1 tsp allspice
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp salt
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1 1/2 cups carrots, shredded
1 cup buttermilk
1/4 cup unsalted butter, melted and cooled slightly
1 egg

Combine the streusel ingredients in a bowl and using your fingers, pinch together the ingredients until they form a crumbly texture.  Do this quickly and then set aside in the fridge until needed.
Preheat the oven to 350°F.
Line a muffin tin with about 10 liners and set aside.
Combine the flours, oat bran, both sugars, allspice, cinnamon, salt and nutmeg together.  Mix just until combined.  Add the shredded carrots and mix until the carrots are mixed and coated with the dry ingredients.
In another bowl combine the buttermilk, melted butter and egg together and whisk until the ingredients are combined and just a little frothy.  Add to the flour mixture and stir together just until everything has incorporated to form a wet batter.
Fill each muffin cup just to the brim with the batter.  Sprinkle a generous amount of streusel on top of each muffin (about 2 tbsp or so, if you can manage it).
Bake for about 32 - 35 minutes, turning half way through baking.
Cool slightly before removing from the pan.
Keeps for about 2 days.

I know that what you are supposed to do is post all of the links that you wish people would read on Friday.  That way, when everyone is not working (on the weekend) they can check out all of the cool ass links that you've been reading yourself ('cause you're a cool ass person).  This is the correct order of things.  The way the blogiverse is supposed to work.  Except it doesn't work for me.  During the week I'm not reading online.  I'm working.  If I'm not working then I'm drinking ('cause it's late already and the kids are in bed).  If I'm not drinking then I'm reading - not online but in my bed... 'cause I'm tired and 'cause I actually read books still.  This being both my reality and my dilemma, I find myself not catching up on anything online until the weekend when I can catch up with all the links that every other blog known to the western world has posted.
Another thing that you are not supposed to do is post a crap load of links along with a recipe.  I guess that the thinking is that we readers need things to be compartmentalized for us.  It's easier to take in all of those links when there is not also a recipe to deal with.  It muddy's up the pictures as well (which are optional with a 'link' post.  Here I've even gone and messed that up.  The blogiverse may kick my cool ass for doing things this way and I'm ok with that.  I've got to send it out the way I get it.  I have the weekend time not just to read but to cook so I'm throwing them both your way.  I'm guessing that you're gonna be able to tackle it.

Holy Sugar - Can I just tell that I laughed and then nearly cried when I read this.  I just get his angle.

Then I read this article and it put a more political slant on the whole parenting 'over-kill' that we live in.

This girl loves every single one of her pounds.  She still runs.  She does it because she loves feeling good.

Here is an example of what is possible when we say no to GMO's and all the crap that comes with them.  Will we all starve?

Ah.. I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch what you said.  I thought that you just suggested that we SELL expired food to poor people.  Oh wait... you did just say that out loud.


And then there is the side dish that has been served with a kick ass roasted chicken, carrots, mashed potatoes and gravy.  The poor turnip and I are working at our relationship.  We've been negligent recently but if nothing else we are motivated to change.  We have agreed not to stop trying until we've found something that works for both of us.  This dish has been a positive step in our work together.


Turnip and Kale Soufflé adapted from Saveur
serves 6 - 8 as a side dish

2 1/2 - 3 cups turnip (peeled and diced), boiled 8 - 10 minutes in salted water and then mashed
3 1/2 cups kale or spinach greens, stems removed and leaves finely chopped
5 eggs, separated
5 tbsp butter
4 tbsp flour
1/2 cup cream
1 tsp salt
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1/2 cup parmesan, grated

Preheat oven to 350°F.
Butter an 8 inch round baking dish and set aside.
Have the mashed turnip ready (mine was still warm which turns out perfectly).
Using a mixer (hand or standing, doesn't matter) whip the egg whites until they are about tripled in size and form hard peaks.  Set aside
Heat a large pot over medium/low heat.  Add the butter until the butter melts.  Add in the flour and whisk until it forms a thick paste.  Add the cream and remove from the heat.  Whisk until it forms a slightly less thick paste but shouldn't be clumpy.
Add in the greens and the mashed turnip.  Mix everything well.  Add in the egg yolks, salt, nutmeg and parmesan.  Mix well.
Gently begin to mix in the egg whites.  Start with a smallish amount and gently fold in.  Continue to fold in the whites gradually until the egg whites have been entirely incorporated.  The mixture should be about double it's original size.
Pour into the prepared baking dish.  Sprinkle the top with a little extra parmesan and bake for about 30 - 35 minutes or until the middle of the soufflé feels almost completely firm when you press on it and the top should be golden brown.
Remove from the oven and cool slightly before serving.

It's amazing how quickly we can forget things that we knew very well.
When it's summer I forget what it feels like to be cold.  When it's winter I forget what it feels like to be warm.
I can forget where I've put my keys or glasses in a matter of seconds.
I can forget what my favourite blogs are over the course of one week - less time if it's been a busy week.
I often forget to bring strategic articles of clothing to work with me (I ride my bike most of the time and prefer to change my clothes rather than get my good work clothes dirty and/or wrecked) and have had to resort to keep these strategic pieces in my bag at all times.  That's how many times I've forgotten.
There have been times when I've forgotten to eat.

Collectively, we forget almost everything.
We forget public policy.
We forget leaders both good and bad.
We forget history (a dangerous, dangerous way to exist) both the good and the bad - unless it's documented clearly for us in movie form of course.


Recently, I realised that I'd forgotten about something very important.
My waffle maker.
I know that you were expecting me to come out with something a little more... weighty, serious.  I might counter that two extremely happy, contented kids who think that their Mom is THE BEST can be a pretty weighty and serious matter.  However, I will concede that it's a little trivial and self centred.  However, if there is ever a time when you can allow yourself a little bit of the trivial and self centred, it's the weekend.  Am I right?
I've been experimenting with grain flours over the past couple of months and have discovered that my organic food box will deliver locally grown and milled flour as well as it being available from 'Fresh from the Farm'.  I've been taking full advantage of both offerings.  These waffles turned out beautifully.  No one suspected that they were 'whole wheat' either by taste or texture.


Multigrain Waffles adapted from King Arthur Flour
makes between 10 and 12 med sized round waffles

1/2 cup whole wheat

I went to my first professional basketball game this week and I was totally... BORED.  It may have had something to do with the fact that I had been working my ass off for the entire day because we were the choir singing the national anthems at the games.  It might have had something to do with me not sleeping well for a couple of nights prior to the game.  It might also just be that I'm not into that kind of thing.  The only game I seem to find any pleasure at all in watching is soccer (known as football by the rest of the world) and even that is pushing it.
It got me thinking about how bored I got watching baseball and even (dare I say it) hockey.  The weird thing is that I do like sports.  I even think of myself as somewhat athletic.  So much so that I wonder if the current 'Me' went back to high school now 'Me' might consider trying out for volleyball or track or something.  That's saying something.  What I find when I'm watching a game from the stands of these huge arena's is that I am so far removed from the game itself, it's so far away, that I don't invest.  I'm not connected to it at all.  There are so many people watching and we're all so far away and it starts and stops so much and so many of us are moving around and talking and leaving to pee and going to buy junk food that I can't focus.  There is the constant drone of the announcer and the lights flashing on the jumbotron.  It's too much for me.
And then I don't know the game well and I certainly don't know the players.  I'm out there at Centre Court for sound check with the players all warming up around us and watching our high school boys freaking out and thinking that this would probably be pretty meaningful if I had a clue who these guys were.  It seemed funny to me.  The highlight of the night was seeing that a well known Canadian actress was sitting court side (they gave her some flowers and a stuffed mascot toy - we could only see it on the jumbotron).  Realising that this was the highlight for me pretty much sealed it.  Yup - I'm not meant for this kind of stuff.


So if you were thinking about buying some season's tickets for a hockey/soccer/basketball/baseball team in the city you might want to reconsider.  I'd be pretty happy that you thought of me and might feel a sense of obligation to attend some of those games just because you spent the money on me but I wouldn't enjoy it much.  I really enjoyed the moment when D and I realised we just wanted to leave early and go home for a beer... which is exactly what we did.



This, of course, has nothing to do with the recipe that you will find below.  That's because there is no cool story for this recipe.  This recipe isn't really glamorous or cool.  It's just good and kinda healthy because it's using cooked cauliflower in place of the flour.  I don't know, maybe that is kinda cool.


Cauliflower Alfredo Sauce adapted from 'cupcakes and kale'
makes about 4 cups of sauce

3 1/2 cups cauliflower pieces
1 cup onion, sliced
4 med cloves garlic
1 can (about 1 cup) white beans, drained and rinsed
1 cup cream
3/4 cups milk
2 tsp salt
2 boullion cubes
1/2 tsp paprika
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1 tsp honey
1/2 - 3/4 cup parmesan cheese, grated

4 cups cooked pasta of choice (I used cooked penne)
4 cups veggies - I used greens (kale and chard mixture) - steamed until wilted or softened
3 slices of bacon (optional), diced
1 1/2 cups mushrooms, halved
1/3 cup walnuts, coarsely chopped

Bring a large, heavy bottomed pot to a boil with about 3/4 cup of water (approx).  Add in the cauliflower pieces, turn the heat down to med/low and cover.  Cook for about 15 - 20 minutes or until the cauliflower is softened and mashable.  Drain and set aside.
In a large dutch oven or heavy bottomed pot heat about 3 tbsp of oil over medium heat.  Add in the onion and cook for about 4 minutes.  Add in the garlic and cook for about 3 minutes together.  Add in the white beans.  Turn the heat down to low.
Add the cauliflower, milk and stir well.  Using a hand blender or pouring the whole thing into a regular blender, puree until the whole thing forms a sauce consistency.  Making it as smooth and consistent as possible.
Add in the cream, salt, boullion, paprika, nutmeg, honey and parmesan.  Mix until the parmesan has melted in.  Check the tastes and adjust if necessary.

To make the casserole:
Heat a large frying pan over medium heat and add the bacon.  Cook about two minutes or until just beginning to get brown.  Add in the mushrooms (and the greens if you don't want to steam them) and cook for about 4 minutes.
Combine the cooked pasta with the bacon and veggie mixture.  Toss to combine and pour into a large baking dish or serving bowl.
Pour the sauce over the pasta mixture and stir well.
Sprinkle with a little additional parmesan and the chopped walnuts.
serve.

I don't do martyr well.  Oh sure, I play a good game.  I'll sacrifice a lot for the sake of the kids.  I don't look like your typical diva and I certainly don't act like one.  I can tell you one thing though.  I am stamping my foot on the ground and saying 'I want my hour back!'
I was reading this article... again (!) and I've realized that what upsets me most isn't what I thought it would be.  The whole calorie counting/exercise mania/to look gorgeous crap is what initially hit me.  I tried the food restriction/calorie counting in my twenties which corresponded nicely with being desperately broke and not being able to generally afford things like meat, eggs and cheese in quantities of any significance.  What I lived on I can't remember exactly but I have vague thoughts of beans and lots of them, toast, peanut butter (thank god for that one) and coffee.  What it got me was a lot of malcontent, a size 2 and digestion problems.  Glad that one's behind me.
The exercise, as you all know, is something that I'm religious about - one of the few things really.  I don't do it to be skinny.  I am a size 8 and proud.  Why I exercise is simple.  I feel wonderful, my health is off the charts (literally, as far as my insurance company is concerned) and I think better out there on my bike or on a run than I do at any other time in the day.  It's my time.  I don't do spa days (maybe spa hours but not days) to rejuvenate, I do a run.
So what finally made me mad when I read this article?  You know, after all of these years of liberation, 'equality' and authority, we women are still working at a disadvantage all the time.  We still bear the lion's share of work in the home (in most cases) whether or not we work outside of it.  We still have children and carry a lot of the responsibilities that go along with kids.  We still feel an incredible amount of pressure to look the part... well put together, of a certain size, doing all the right things.  In other words rather than freeing ourselves over the last 50 years it feels more like a 'make work' project.  I do want my hour back.


I don't want my hour back so that I can be told what I'm supposed to fill it with.  I don't want my hour back so that I can watch reality tv on cable.  I don't want my hour back so that I can wander around in a mall.  I don't want my hour to go from being told to fill it with the Jane Fonda workout to being told to fill it with... anything.  I want it to be my hour.  And that's the martyr piece that I'm not good at.  When I don't get some time - without restraint, without demands, without mental invasion - then I start to get antsy, panicky even claustrophobic.  When I go from getting up in the morning to get ourselves and kids ready, to work, to gym, to home, to laundry, to clean, to cook, to read, to sleep then I start to feel lost in there.  Today, I'm tired of feeling lost and I want to feel found.  That's it - I'm finding myself.


Today I am eating chocolate cake - maybe even multiple pieces - and I'm going for a run - maybe even a long one - because today that's how I want to fill up MY hour.


Plain Old Chocolate Cake adapted from Alexandra's Kitchen
makes 1 8x8 inch square cake

1 1/2 oz semi-sweet or dark chocolate (not unsweetened), chopped
3/4 cup coffee, still warm
1 1/2 cups unbleached, all purpose flour
3/4 cups dark cocoa powder
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1 egg + 2 egg whites (or two eggs)
1 1/2 cups sugar
1 vanilla pod seeds
1/4 cup + 2 tbsp melted butter or oil (coconut or veg)
1/4 cup + 2 tbsp buttermilk

Ganache icing: adapted from Martha Stewart
makes enough when thickened to cover 1 square chocolate cake

3/4 cup cream
4 oz chopped dark chocolate, finely chopped
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp espresso powder
2 - 4 tbsp sugar (depending on how sweet you like it)

Grease and flour a square 8x8 cake pan.  Set aside.
Preheat oven to 300°F.

Combine the hot coffee and chopped chocolate together and set aside.
Combine the flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, baking powder and salt together.  Sift and mix well.  Set aside.
Whisk (or use a mixer) the eggs until lemon coloured and slightly frothy (about 1 1/2 minutes).  Add the sugar and continue to whisk until frothy and thickening slightly.  Add the melted butter and continue to whisk for about a minute.  Add in the vanilla and the coffee/chocolate mixture and whisk until well mixed.
Add in the flour mixture and gently whisk until well mixed.
Slowly add in the buttermilk mixture and whisk until the batter is smooth.
Pour into the prepared pan and drop onto the floor or counter just to get out the air bubbles.
Bake for about 40 - 45 minutes or until a cake tester comes out clean.
Cool completely before removing from the pan.
To make ganache:
Bring the cream just to the boiling point in a heavy bottomed saucepan.
Remove from the heat and add in the chocolate and salt and stir until the chocolate is melted and the cream and chocolate have completely mixed together.  Cool to room temperature (about 40 minutes), stirring regularly.
Whip using a hand mixer or whatever until it gets thick and spreadable (took me between 5 and 7 minutes)
Spread onto completely cooled cake.